Sick of thinking of suicide...

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So its been getting a little out of hand in my opinion....the thoughts pertaining to suicide. At the moment over-all I feel a bit too numb to even care enough to actually put the effort into going through with anything, even if I did attempt it would be a pretty half assed attempt. Nonetheless I cannot get it out of my head it seems. Guess I am sick of feeling miserable, even when there is no reason to...putting on my 'I'm ok maybe even enjoying myself' act while visualizing in my mind that if I had a gun I'd be sitting there contemplating blowing my brains out with it. Trying to enjoy a concert, or hanging out with people or even just trying to relax by myself or anything only to have the black fog of depression creep in, or maybe some out of place major anxiety.

But yeah at the moment I am not on the verge of any sort of attempt, but seems like I think of suicide at least every day....suppose I am worried about how I might react to that when the numbness wears off. It would seems somethings gotten to me so my PTSD numbness is back to protect me from whatever it is that's too overwhelming. Being that way I feel detatched from those thoughts in a weird kind of way, but the numbness never lasts....

another thought I've had is to just dissapper for a few days, so everyone will leave me alone and I can attempt to sort out my thoughts, cause its all a big jumble not sure what is going on with all kinds of various things and yeah too much of other people....I know isolating isn't too healthy but what could a couple days alone with no disturbance possibly hurt...trouble is where would I even go and with what money since I really gotta be careful this month with spending.

You're an integral part of this Forum; I'm sure they'd be lots of people who would hate not to "see" you any more. I'm not always in agreement with you--and you with me--but I think you're all right.

Have you ever thought about going to Vicky's place? I know it's in Colorado--I don't know where, though. I'm not sure how you'd feel about nudity LOL.....but if she could swing a "scholarship" for you, maybe you could get a vacation in the mountains. Who knows? I'm sure Vicky Gleitz would be amenable to "speaking" with you; she would be able to provide you with the link to the place.

I think she's also sponsoring something called AutieHaven or something like that in your state as well.

Anything to get out of the house LOL

Me too, and I think overdosing on my psychiatric medication would not work. Vyvanse has to be metabolized somewhere in the body, which probably limits the rate at which the amphetamine actually reaches your nervous system. Prozac is really slow acting. And Abilify, well, carries warnings about do not overheat yourself when you are on this medication but I don't know how it would exactly kill you.

a few days of retreat is not the same as isolating. if you don't have room mates, you could just stay in and unplug. if you find your depression worsening, you could just quickly reconnect.

So I know this sounds sort of ...er..."crazy" ha, but is the feeling sort of like a constant pressure/voice uhm...itch?Or does it come from sadness?

If that concept rings a bell ( I will just tell you this cause it helped me a lot with the decade of constant thoughts) and it may be helpful.

My suicidal thoughts came from this sort of pressured place...uh as in pressured speech, kind of like a tic (tick?), but it was a very very constant presence that yes would appear when something overwhelming might happen, but it was when my brain got overwhelmed so my brain I don't know.

So, not knowing like...anything about you, but dealing with that kind of and I mean sometimes if not most of the time all day voice that would be loud a lot of the time and quiet at others, it was never (well usually) an emotional "i'm worthless and have nothing to live for thing"... it was like a... compulsion or... well... it doesn't matter... either way...

The point is, I didn't always want to kill myself, there was always just this part of my head that was like there's a spot, do it here.

Long story short, between meds that took me 7 years to actually try and stabilize on, and understanding that I didn't really want to kill myself it was just a compulsion that sucked as bad as every other part of my illness... it was a little easier to manage.
I would think of slitting my wrists and I had to seriously nothing that thought because I knew that my broken head just thought of it sometimes...or driving off the cliff, and I'm like hm, well time to go watch game of thrones and tell my husband he's got to get me a diet coke.

It's just another venue for your illness. It doesn't mean anything. A silly compulsion...at least, that is what helped me get through the horrible sh***y times.
It exists, but it doesn't run you.

All my love going out to you and your crazy brain. I hope you make it past this episode. God only knows how horrible it is fighting those stupid shadows.

*awkwardly hugs Sweet leaf (stranger)* Idk what to tell you sir/ma'am. I try to stay away from guns. I misfired one once, in a store. I'm going to attempt to commiserate but be positive, something I have no skill at doing. I just genuinely desire to help you. Things to feel good about- you have people around that you interact with. You have money, some being better than none. Every time thoughts of exsanguination enter your mind, then are diminished, you win. You've beaten them back through sheer force of will. That's not easy, trust me I know. The grass is always greener, unless you think about others whose grass is scorched barren earth. It's the little things that keep me from ending it. This sounds inept and weak to me, it's not really advice because I don't give what I don't know. But staying in a room for four or five days then standing in the sun feels nice. Deprive yourself of joy, completely, then pursue things you enjoy or at least used to enjoy. It helps me. Friendly love your way

You could come stay with us for a few days if you like. It is beyond peaceful here. I do tend to "mother'and I will not be offended if you
say "damnit vicky, leave me alone!"

One thing you might consider. You have a big heart and caring about others pain seems to make your own pain deeper.DO NOT STOP CARING. But, if you were taking PHYSICAL action on your priorities, maybe that would help. My son has been working on Ocate Cliffs in NM this summer. He is not being paid, no one is, but they are working on putting together a retreat center to be built and run entirely by Autistics. They could use more volunteers this summer at the next 2 workcamps. We could drive you and LJ [20 year old son] there and pik you upif you would like.

Also,Sweetleaf, we are in the way early stages of putting together an Autistic community within an already existing one. Initially, we were looking at Thornton, but we-for MANY reasons-are more strongly considering Pueblo as a location. We are also putting together next years AutHaven. Also in the future, a publishing company, training centers, entrepeneurship training, and so much more.

You have the spirit of a life changer, a true activist. I am so envious of you because you have so much more remaining time to effect incredible changes during this period which is so ripe for them. We would love to have you [and we so need you] to be a part of the team.

I have gone through several periods in my life where suicide was the most common thought going through my brain. I wish I could tell you there is some simple magic cure-all to fix it. I don't think I ever got to the point where I would actually do it, but different methods and their advantages and disadvantages would march through my brain sometimes for hours on end. I found that temporary isolation in a quiet and fairly dark place actually helped when it was brought on by too much difficulty dealing with people, but was terrible when it was brought on by loneliness and/or sadness.

I don't know if it would work for you, but I would say that breath based meditation has helped me more than anything. I also have a home-made miniature rock garden that does wonders. Just a plastic tub with sand and some pretty and/or interesting rocks I've collected over the years. I rearrange the stones and make paths and patterns in the sand with my bare hands. It helps me focus my mind on something very neutral instead of thoughts that will lead me in circles that just get more unpleasant or intense the longer they go on.

This is why I hoard sleeping meds. I know my life will eventually end by my own hands. Death is all I think about or dream about anymore. I don't want to live my life taking handfuls of pills.

Fear of Hell has kept me here through some of the worst times...

...but I note that, ultimately, it wasn't enough to outgun the worst of the worst. I remember a point at which I figured that Hell COULDN'T be any worse than having my kids watch my die slowly, eating antipsychotics like candy, no longer able to hobble across a one-room apartment and fix a bowl of ramen, let alone be useful to anyone or enjoy anything.

Luckily someone threw me a lifeline in the form of taking the antipsychotics away and telling me that, no matter what I'd been told up to that point, I was once and could be again a functioning human being.

In the end, I think, it takes hope to survive. Therefore what you need is to cultivate a reason to hope. I'd recommend working with Vicky; you do seem to be the kind of person who is going to get a lot out of working to change the world.

I, too, have a long history of suicidal ideation. There was also a serious suicide attempt in there. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. My last deep suicidal feeling was a couple of months ago. Depression is always with me. What's been helping, these past couple of weeks, is Prozac. I'd been on Risperdal, Celexa, Lithium, Wellbutrin and Sinequan but only the Prozac seems to elevate my moods. I wish you luck and hope things work out for you.

Sympathies. Risperdal made me borderline catatonic, psychotic (I believed that people could tell I had Asperger's just by looking at me and would therefore call the authorities, take my kids away, and have me locked up if I went out in public, which I am told qualifies as a delusion), and non-functional. Can't say if it was the drug or living with all of that that made me want to die.

I got the same lift from Prozac (at least for a little while). It did not make problems go away, but it did make it easier to save my outrage for the therapist and keep smiling at the as*holes.

I really miss mirtazapine. Take one of those, wait 45 minutes, go to bed. SLEEP. Get up in the morning and not really remember what it's like to experience deep feelings of anxiety-make-that-terror. Had to quit 'cause I got knocked up, though, and really can't go back to taking it as they say it's for short-term use in digging you out of a deep, dark hole as it has a tendency to some really unpleasant side effects if used long-term.

Still, it had about the same soothing effect as cannabis, except that it lasted longer, made me less stupid, and wasn't illegal.

You're in CO, though, so you don't have the illegal problem any more...