Xlexa wrote:
I am having a hard time to remain stable, since every second I feel like I am on a verge of crying or having a mental break down. I am stupid, and yet I pretend to be smart, and I make myself believe I am smart, which leads to me failing at life. I made my family believe I am smart, and so I have these expectations place on me, and I think I am on the verge at failing again. I am in the Army, and I am scared I am going to fail my training because it requires a lot of math (and I fail my last ait), so I might get chapter out if I fail this one. If I fail this training, get kick out, it's going to lead to embarassment ... and yet I don't want that to happen to me. I am trying to learn the material, but it's not clicking.
And then I feel like if I get chapter out, there's no way I can afford being alive, and I will end up being with some old man or something like that (I done that before). And... I will make my family look at me even worse. So that's not an option.
I also have these constant transgender feelings, and I can't live my life in that manner either ((I thought the military could help me but in the end, it's just getting worse because it's all I can think of)). I will never live that life out.
I don't know what to do. It's like I am stuck between two hard rocks... and I am just so afraid right now.
I want an easy military job now... and I don't care what the army gives me, but I think I am just going to get chapter. I don't know. I tried my best, and I keep failing at life. I tried the college thing, but it didn't work. This is my last chance....
I am tired of trying, trying, and seeing myself fail. I also feel like my failure will be a burden to my family, but that won't be the case, but I feel like I have to be there to help my family because my mother doesn't have a husband, my brother is a loser, and all that... but I can't help them, I don't know what to do.
Thing is, it's not your last chance. I mean, if you really think about it.
It's hard to have family because one hand they are super awesome and you love them, but one the other hand just having a family-- even the most awesome perfect family in the world-- can hold you back in your personal growth and contentment if you put their lives and wishes for you above your own intuition and desires for your own happiness. And that can be the case for anything, be it a job, a religion, a creed, a code anything. Anything that comes before your mind becomes a kind of poison... no matter how amazing and valid it is.
If you cannot trust yourself, then all of it, all of it is meaningless and ash. Because you are the beginning of all of the questions to begin with... Does that make sense?
Lemme 'splain:
So if your family wants something great for you, it can only even begin to matter because you are who you are. However, if you are waiting around trying to be something for them or waiting to define your life around them, then you are nothing as a person and cannot do anything. You are a non entity. A non entity cannot have hopes and dreams and act or be acted upon.
Beyond that, failure is nothing.
Why on earth don't you love yourself? Not loving yourself is silly.
Don't you know you have one beautiful shot here? Don't waste it on worry and doubt and uselessness.
Be responsible for your s**t, and let others be responsible for theirs. Love is great, yes. But no one who loves you will really ask you to do anything that makes you unhappy.
If you want to be another gender, then you gotta do it. Let it go. Don't make me go Elsa. Will people judge you? Yes. Will everyone understand and embrace it? No. But it won't go away. You can't close your eyes, you have to face it and really figure it out. Love who you are.
I am straight, and my best buddy is gay. The LGBTQ community has taught me more about loving and accepting myself, the people around me and all that than all the constructs I was raised in ever have. ANd I seriously love me a good drag show.
My little girls get on our shoulders and point and say " look at the princesses!"
You can really change the world by letting yourself be happy.
A test does not define you, the army does not define you, your family does not define you, only you can within your heart.
09 Jul 2014, 8:59 pm
