Miscellaneous Joke Thread (KEEP IT CLEAN)

Post Reply New Topic

Here's a thread for random jokes. Please keep this one family friendly so it dosen't have to be moved to the mature section.

Enjoy.

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 'Wannna go ride bikes?

Once, in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking along and he noticed all ofthe other animals had a mate. So Adam got to think about that and decided he'd ask God about it. He asks God, "could you please make me the exact perfect mate"? So God says, "OK, but it will cost you an eye, arm, and a leg". Adam thinks about it and says, "Hmmmm, that sounds kind of steep, what can I get for just one rib"???

Ladies, just to try and be fair:
Q: How many guys does it take to put a roll of toilet paper on the rack?
A: I don't know, it's never been done before!


As you can see I really need some new jokes. Please, let me hear yours!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin came to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me...Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

OMG SEXIST!

Pretty damn funny though.

St. Peter noticed that heaven was getting kida full (of course since someone dies every 12 seconds) so he decided to ask everyone one question to see if they were worthy of eternal bliss. Three men were waiting in line. St Peter asked the first one:
Who Built the ark? He answered, duh, Noah. The trumpet sounded, the gates opened. St. Peter asked the second
Who led the Israelites out of Egypt? He answered, duh, Moses, The trumpets sounded, the gates opened.

Now he saw how easy it was and decided that the questions had to be harder to answer. He asked the third man
What was the first thing Eve said to Adam? The man thought for a minute, then responded hmmm, thats a hard one.

The trumpet sounded the gates opened

That's so funny! I think you're supposed to keep these jokes clean, but innuendo is probably an exception.

There were two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Wow, is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns to him and says "HOLY SHI* A TALKING MUFFIN!! !"
-TheEnd

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. (also works with pretzels)

Two guys walked into a bar. One said "Ow!"

(Person #2 leaves Doctor's office)
Person #1 : What do you have?
Person #2: Ebola
Person #1: Ebola....what?!
Person #2: E-bol-a cereal, that's what.

What do you call a knot in space?
A cosmo-knot!

A big U.S warship is docked next to a smaller British one. One of the Americans calls to the British ship 'well guys, hows the world's second biggest navy?'
'ok.' comes the reply. 'how is it's second best?'

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.

Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!"

Deleted

Last edited by Ante on 09 Nov 2005, 3:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And early in the morning he came again into the temple, and all the people came unto him; and he sat down, and taught them. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with [his] finger wrote on the ground, [as though he heard them not]. So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her. And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And they which heard [it], being convicted by [their own] conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, [even] unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. And then was a great commotion, and lo, a frail, haggered old woman didst enter the fray, and she didst stagger under the burden of an enormous stone of great weight. With a mighty heave she didst launch the stone at the woman, smiting her instantly. And the Lord didst look upon the old woman with dismay - and lo he didst say unto her "Oh, bleeding hell mother!! ! You don't have to keep showing off all the time, you know...."

Why did Anakin Skywalker NOT die along with the rest of the Jedi?

"Every SINGLE Jedi is now an enemy of the Republic." Darth Sidious

What did the ADD child say to the Man on the Moon?
"What planet are you from?"

What did the autistic astronaut say when he landed on Pluto?
"Am I on the right planet right?"

What has two legs and bleeds alot?

Half a cat.



Ba doom tish, I do believe.

Those are so bad they're (almost) good!

I beg to disagree.......

Anyway - oldie but goodie and never fails.... The "Scouser" joke:

What do you call a Scouser in a suit? The accused
What do you call a Scouser at University? The janitor
What do you call a Scouser in a nice house? A burglar
What do you call a Scouser with a happy family? A kidnapper

A piece of string walks into a bar. "Pint of lager and a packet of crisps please" he says to the barman. The barman looks at him with scorn and says "'Ear! We don't serve your sort around here! You're one of them bleedin' pieces of string aren't yer?". The piece of string looks at him innocently and says "No - I'm afraid not"........

What's round and bites people? A vicious circle
What's round and goes to University? A learning curve

A drunk man staggers into a Catholic church. He sees the confessional booth, so he decides to go in and have a seat. He sits there for a few minutes and says nothing, so the Priest clears his throat to try to get the guy's attention. Still, the guy does not respond so the Priest clears his throat a little louder. Still, the guy dosen't respond. So the Priest knocks on the wall of the confessional booth, to which the drunk guy responds, "It's no use knockin' mate, there's no paper in here either".