Losing and keeping friends

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I am after some advice about friendships.
Back story: until April I was at uni (first year), but had to come home after about a semester of being really ill. My first semester I made some good friends through joining the uni judo club. However during my second semester I kind of fell off the social map, didn't talk to people and didn't go to judo at all. So I lost the friends I had made at judo, they didn't really talk to me at all except maybe *sometimes* to say a quick hello if we passed each other. The second semester I also kind of kept people at arms length and didn't reply to texts or messages. I haven't spoken to any of them since leaving uni.
Now I am a bit better I am feeling quite lonely, would it be weird to start talking to people again after all of this time? I am worried that they took it personally that I stopped talking to them (as they stopped trying to talk to me, and didn't message me on my birthday even though I messaged them on theirs). If I do talk to them again, what do I say?

Tl;dr: cut myself off from friends when I was unwell, wanting to make contact with them again but am not sure how

Well if they didn't return in kind the message on your birthday when you sent them a message for their birthday, then what kind of friends are those? A true friend would have understood that it wasn't personal and not taken it that way that you stopped talking with them, that it was due to illness. Not your fault!

If they're not that understanding then if it was me I'd be finding new friends. I'm ill recently myself so I sympathize with your side of things rather than with someone who's healthy but can't be bothered to send someone a message on their birthday, takes 20 seconds!

Just my 2 cents.

That is a good point, but the trouble is I kept them in the dark a bit about how ill I was- and so they may have taken it personally. And making new friends is really really hard, making up with older friends I find easier. I do get your point though, they might just not really care.

Perhaps you could renew contact by making the first text or e-mail a quick explanation about what happened? You could explain that you realize you suddenly seemed t fall out of touch, and you realize it must have seemed strange and hurtful. Then explain that the reason you fell off the radar was because you were in fact ill, and it affected you in such a way that you were not able to keep in touch well, or at all.

Sometimes when someone receives an explanation for behavior that hurt or confused them, and it was something the person couldn't help and was ill with, and they also get an apology too even though it wasn't the person's faul,t it helps the "offended party" forgive and forget. Clarifying something always gives the opportunity to "re-set" the situation and possibly start over.

You could say something like that too, in your e-mail to each person -- "I wonder if we could start over? I really enjoyed getting to know you and I'm so sorry that my illness kind of interrupted all that. I'm much better now and I'd love to meet for coffee to catch up with you, or go do something fun now that I'm in a better place."

If you make a warm, friendly, explaining and apologetic approach, and any of these friends ignore it or reject you, they're not worth having as friends. But if someone answers back with something equally warm, and says they're sorry too that contact was lost, they're glad you feel better, and they're sorry to hear what you went through and are glad to hear from you again, then that's a friendship worth reviving.

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This was my experience. I used to have dozens of friends and hundreds of acquaintances. Over time, my friends stopped communicating with me even though I always sent birthday and Christmas e-cards to them. After several years of their silence, I adopted a new life rule for myself: If, after a year of being ignored by a person in my life, I would delete the person from my contact list and stop communicating, too. Doing this allows me to make, at least, the last attempt to stay in touch, and prevents me from lingering and hoping, hoping, hoping that they decide to reply. I have been much happier and less stressed than I was before. However, it does bring focus to the fact that most of my friends and acquaintances have abandoned our friendships. I guess that would have happened anyway, so I can't claim much responsibility.

I believe that, despite the stereotype, we have a special desire to remain loyal to friends, while they don't. Don't beat yourself up for their behaviors.

Last edited by AspieUtah on 06 Aug 2014, 11:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think that's a good idea really. I think I am just a bit nervous of being rejected, or people talking about me badly. I will give your idea a shot though I think, maybe set aside am evening where I am free to talk to them properly.

I would agree with you on the loyalty front, I think also aspies have a tendency to put up with a lot more before breaking off friendship. So I think you have a good policy there.
It can be argued that at least all of your friends are 'real' friends now, instead of just having lots of friends who don't care as much about you

Yes , that is a better way!

Near as I can tell, that is just what people are like.

Not necessarily with each other. They've got ways that don't make sense.
They're just like that with us.

I don't know if it is because they can tell we're different, or because they're waiting for something we can't give them...... but in the end, our attempts to be friends are just our own, and the mundies couldn't care less. They have endless streams of disposable friends. What is one lost here or there?

Hm...If I keep making the effort with a friend, and there's no response and no explanation, then after a while that's quite hurtful. If such a person turns up suddenly again wanting to be chatty, I'm wary at best. If I do give the person another chance and he pulls the same stunt, then that's it, we're done. I don't allow people to wander in and out of my life like cats who just show up when they want something.

Hi all,
Thought I would post an update to things:
I have been talking to my old friends today, and everything is fine. I think my brain just blew things out of proportion and jumped to the worst case scenario. We are chatting again like friends and they don't seem to have minded that I didn't talk to them for a while.

Thanks for all of your helpful replies that gave me the courage to talk to them again

I made a friend last year and we texted like everyday up until the middle of June then she changed. I never got a clear response from her as to why, and now I found she is dating someone so I know I will never talk to her like I did before. I figured the best thing to do is wait to see if she ever wants to talk again and leave the ball in her court so to speak.

I made a friend last year and we texted like everyday up until the middle of June then she changed. I never got a clear response from her as to why, and now I found she is dating someone so I know I will never talk to her like I did before. I figured the best thing to do is wait to see if she ever wants to talk again and leave the ball in her court so to speak.