Back to School Blues

Post Reply New Topic

We had a pretty good summer this year. DS spent most of his time either doing workbook pages I assigned him, or playing video/computer games (without the workbooks, it would have been 100% games). We took a family vacation, and he attended a one-week day camp that he seemed to enjoy. Only occasionally did he drive me up the wall. It was a better summer than usual.
I find myself not looking forward to the new school year. The meetings, and the "we're concerned" phone calls, and all of that. I feel that I have to pretend to be surprised and concerned about behaviors that I frankly am aware of and can't do anything about (even though I do try). In summer, it feels like DS is a normal-ish kid. It feels like we're a normal-ish family. During the school year, it feels like he's a circus freak.
I'm just not looking forward to it.

I understand. I always felt that same way. It is so stupid when they expect you to be surprised and appalled about behavior you just talked about at the last IEP meeting.

I'm not sure you need to pretend to be surprised.

I can't pretend I'm an expert, but I reference things school or an outside professional has said or done as much as possible if someone raises a concern especially if I can refer to progress already discussed.

When someone still needs to establish they're in charge or whatever unpleasantness I try to stick to asking clarifying questions. Even if I'm getting upset by their attitude. "Are you saying____?" "how would you recommend I do that___?"

This summer hasn't been our best summer (or even close to being our best summer) but yeah I strongly dislike IEP meetings and phone calls to pick up this child of yours and please hurry up because he's eating all the flowers in the office (based on an actual phone call). That I could do without. I don't act shocked or surprised though. It's not shocking or surprising..this is my daily life. I think they'd be very surprised if I was surprised.

I feel that if I don't pretend to be shocked ("He said what to his classmate? Oh my!") it will seem that I condone his behavior, and that that's the reason he acts inappropriately.

Yeah, I always felt that, too. Sometimes, I would try to turn it around and ask what happened that day to trigger a particular thing, but for some reason that was not the hoped for response. It was always interpreted as trying to make excuses.

Well admittedly I often do the wrong thing socially. Not what's expected even when I'm trying to conform.

Someone told me when I advocate for my kids, school staff will not like me but they will respect me. That is, I think, frequently true.

And it sometimes works to say "oh yes, that was an issue and Mrs____was so helpful!" They either join me in wanting to solve the problem or at least they stop complaining.

I suppose it may cut down the information they're willing to give me. That's the down side. But I hate being given a problem unless I can do something useful.

I see what you mean. When I talk to them, I usually try to sound like we're on a team and I experience the same stuff/don't know what to do- so we have to share ideas and give feedback. Seems to work alright. I talk to them a lot though - like every day or maybe every other day. By the end of the year, I know his teachers' pets' names- I know them that well. So maybe that's why I don't have to be surprised.

I don't understand. How does not pretending to be shocked make it seem like you're condoning his behavior? How do we get from A to B in this case?

There seems to be an expectation that if a parent is aware of a problem behavior, then he/she should be able to correct that problem. Of course this isn't always the case even with an NT child, let alone a child with ASD, but the expectation is there nonetheless. If the problem behavior remains, it is sometimes assumed that the parent doesn't view it as a problem and isn't making an effort to correct it.

I understand all of this and it makes sense. What I am not understanding is why does one have to pretend and display a sense of shock if he doesn't feel shock? Why does this crop up in the equation? Is there something I'm missing here?

Why would not displaying shock automatically assume one is condoning the behavior? Is this some kind of emotional or cultural thing I'm missing?

If you act like you are expecting it, people infer that means you are not trying to correct it, vs. them understanding you don't know how to correct it. This appears to happen at a non-intellectual level b/c if you tell them that a particular issue was discussed at the last IEP meeting or whatever, they will nod at you.

Here is what they want to see, on some emotional level:

Schmuck at school: "ASDMommy, ASDKid did X!"

Me: "ASDKid, how could you do that? I am surprised that you would do this after we did social stories a 6th time (that never solved the problem the last 5 times we tried it)! I am shocked this did not work! [Humor, they would not like, here] I must punish you severely ( to appease Schmuck at school, even though that never works either)!" [More unwelcome humor, here, obviously, they don't want to hear the stuff in parenthesis.]

Yeah...

Just brain storming.... What if you said something like....

Mrs. Schmuck, I am so sorry! I would not like ASD kid to do this at home, and I assume you feel it is inappropriate for him to do it in your class room. Since I'm not in his class during the day, I don't know why he did it or where he learned this behavior. Can you find out what was going on at the time that ASD kid did this? I would think that would help you as well. I would think you would not like ASD kids to do this ever again, and I would certainly not like him to do it at home. Maybe should set up another IEP meeting so that he would learn appropriate behaviors at school, rather than inappropriate ones.

aann,

That is pretty great, I have to say.

Last year DS's teacher emailed me that he was saying extremely inappropriate things to another child, things that could get him in "big trouble". I replied, asking her to please tell me specifically what he said. I told her that I couldn't address the problem otherwise.
She never wrote back. Maybe she didn't believe that simply telling DS "stop saying inappropriate things" would have zero effect. He has to be told exactly what not to say, and the precise reason why he shouldn't say it. And the reason can't be "because it's not nice".

YippySkippy, here is the thing for me at least. Unless it is blatantly obvious to me I don't know what is inappropriate and why it is inappropriate. Your DS would need to know what the teacher's view of what inappropriate is and what is appropriate in one class period may not carry over in another one.

More than likely whatever he did that was inappropriate was learned from the other kids. Educators seem to have this underlying belief that one can and should be socialized by his or her peers. This is what I can't wrap my mind around. How can a child learn what is appropriate and wise when those who they're supposed to learn from know nothing of what is appropriate and wise themselves? To have a child be wise, appropriate and well mannered wouldn't you want a kid to be around those who are wise, appropriate and well mannered which more than likely are some adults not all?

ASDMommy you tried to explain the thinking to me and the issue I have is I still can't follow it? Yippy, how can your DS learn what is appropriate if he is around a whole bunch of shmucks who don't know what appropriate is?