Should we force our aspie kids to socialize?

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The so called doctors and therapists seem to think i should be taking my aspie out so he can socialize, (easier said then done.)

I don't think anyone should be *forced* to do anything.

Tim

You are right Tim. That is what i told them (the doctors) they seem to think that if he doesn't get out more he will fall in to his own little world and never want to go anywhere.

It depends on what they mean by socialize. Are they recommending clubs, playdates, arranging friendships? I'd say don't do that. Default friends (kids your parents make you hang out with) aren't good for the self-esteem.

Is it possible they mean socialize in the sense of interacting with other people for themselves, ie ordering food at a restaurant, paying for something in a store, asking a stranger a question like directions? It could even mean socializing with the family out of the house, like a mall or restaurant.

The former is just opening a can of worms. He could make a social gaffe and withdraw in a negative way. He may like his independence.

Hmm...This is a tough question. I have a difficult time remembering precisely how I started the few friendships I have had in my life. I do now that in my case, and I am exceptionally shy, I have great difficulty socializing with more then one or two people.

Daisydiana - I would check to clarify what they meant. If they were referring to pushing your child into unnatural situations/relationships - run from those docs as fast as you can and ignore whatever they may have told you.

As long as your child can handle the mall (maybe when it's quieter like early mornings) and he's old enough (no age mentioned?) then yes, getting him used to ordering his own lunch in a restaurant, that kind of thing, can be good for him. We did that with our son, and while he still has his one good friend, and still can't "socialize" well, he can make it outside the house, without mom and dad.

If at some point later "he" asks for help with making friends, then and only then would I step in and even then I'd tread pretty lightly.

I can remember how I made my (few) friends... thankfully my family didn't force me. When I was 3 years old, I started school and on the first day of class, I got seated beside my very first friend. She was a bit more outgoing than I was, but still fairly shy. She's been my 'best' friend for 25 years now. We've gone through years of not speaking, but when we talk after that time of separation- it is like we were never apart.

If I was forced to socialize I probably would have resisted more than anything else, and I wouldn't have been open to make the few friends that I do have. For me, common interests and values are so important. I don't care for friends just for the sake of having a friend.

Yes -- as long as there is an escape route to all social situations.

-You will often see me today (at the age of 28) at a social function by myself outside. -but I am technically still socialiseing, I'm there aren't I.

-So when you go to the restaurant - let him/her go outside by themselves.
-When at the barbeque - let the apsie wander on the streets while everyone is eating.
-When at the formal function - it's ok if he misses the groom's speech.
-When in Church - let him walk out halfway throught the sermon.
-When at a highly populated area , eg. a crowded city where it's hard to find escape... let him find a corner to stand in for a while, and maybe go home early. (if it's public transport which is the mode of how your planning to go home, sometimes calling for a taxi could be advisable if it was a hectic day.)


Your child still needs to socialise - just don't muffle him the way most modern parents today do (most parents are ALWAYS with thier kids today because they think a rapist is around the corner or they can't put the simplest trust in their own child that they CAN crosss the street by themselves at 6 - it's sad because today's kids are being turned into aspie/add types even though they shouldn't be - My god son couldn't talk by 8 and still gets his food preared at 15 even though he has no mental condition - he nehaves like a spioled brat like alot of the kids of the Z generation)

They are referring to birthday parties and stuff , skating arena, restaurants. The problem is he refuses to go anywhere. He knows he has to go to school other than that he spends all of his time at home. He wont even go the store with me. I tried pushing him a bit and insisting he go, got him in the car after a long time of arguing, and he was kicking my seat the whole way then he wont get out of the car. It is exausting.

Skating arenas, resturants, parties??? This sounds like places full of loud people that have nothing to do with him.

As for Kicking the seat that is not aspieness, thats bratty behavior. I understand why he would rather sit in the car...most adult
stores are boring beyond belief.

If you want him to do something, you need to explain WHY...not just tell him to do it.


Why not try going someplace that fits in with his interests.
A park, a library, a zoo, an aquarium.

--your going to 'HAVE TO' make him go. I didn't want to go outside either. I was stuck in my room for half my life playing LEGO. - the problem was that I was playing LEGO, an introverted activity. What got me outside were outdoor activities... climbing trees I think was the first... actually no - the sand pit was the first, a transition where I took my Lego out on the sand freeways I built. The next step is to go places that require a biulding upon the interest... eg the sand in my sand pit stolen from a beach as a family activity... and it was fun.

...I didn't always just play with lego... slowly I started geting Match Box cars... but in order to choose a match box car I had to go to the store... in the end I wanted to go shopping because I knew at one stage we may go to the Newsagency.

..I think my parents knew there was something wrong with me (they didn't knwo the specifics though) so they knew how to trick me... everything from making me wear iritating clothing to eating things most adults can't swallow. To giving me a haven (my bedroom) - yet still making me share it with my brother (socialising ... we had another room, but it was 'used' as a sowing room) to even teaching me about addiction... cheese was my first but I was given a 'bad memory' associated with chees eating and I have only started eating cheese again in the last year (and loving it) - how they did this to me I don't know.

...There could be a million strategies to get your kid out of the Bedroom and in the back yard.... I had to mow the lawn, I'm sure your kids too could take part in simple chores which make them become accustomed to sensations which are difficult to process. (Note these strategies are for Apsergers type kids and not fully blown Autism)

autistic kids can and should have chores to. I'd go that route with the shopping. Request his help with making food choices and carrying bags. When I had a laundry room in the house, my son loved to help with the laundry. (even at 3 and 4)

When we want a family dinner, we make our son go with us. Our compromise is that it is always a restaurant that we all can enjoy, Mexican, burgers, pizza or a breakfast diner. My son is sometimes able to order his food, sometimes not. But he does interact with the wait staff and is taught to be polite and patient.

I don't take my son to the mall because he'll have a meltdown/tantrum there. We had people running for him last time, thinking he was being abducted. Too many variables there. He wasn't always like that, though. I know parents who simply make their kids walk from one end of the mall to the other and then leave.

Our experience has shown that it's really important to introduce social activities that our son can experience success with. For example, playdates that are highly structured (like playing a board game, a video game, a planned activity), that involve an area of special interest, limited to only one or two friends, and supervised. I'd avoid making introductory social activities ones that occur in loud & noisy places, where your child will be on sensory overload and lucky to barely cope. And, with anything that is going to work somewhat smoothly with our son, we prepare, prepare, prepare....talk about what's going to happen, what our expectations are for appropriate behaviour, problem solve any anticipated conflicts, and give him some strategies/tools for managing sensory overload. We pay very close attention to his mood, and when we see that he's beginning to get agitated, we'll shift the activity to give him a "break" (like having snack time, watching a very short video, etc.).

Setting him up for success has been VERY important to his motivation to want to continue to participate in social experiences.

I don't think it should be forced but it doesn't hurt to encourage it and help facilitate it if the child does choose to.

Thanks to all of you for the advice, some of it sounds great but some i know i will not get him to do all the kids i find are very different but yet some are similiar in some ways. The kicking the seat i know someone reffered it to bratty behavior that is exactly what i said but the doctor thinks it is his aggression coming out of him because he was made to go somewhere he didn't want to go. You know they think it is so easy just take him and say we're going. They are not the ones that have to deal with this aggression( verbal and physical .)
I think sometimes i'm going crazy i am trying to do the best for him but it's a constant battle.