Aspies and suicidal thoughts

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Hi. I am 39. I have suicidal thoughts since I am 15. Every single day of my life I literally visualize my own death, even in the happiest moments of my life. Does anyone have the same feelings?

Yes I do and I have come very very close in the past.

In fact I think suicidal feelings are the hardest to fight. But that might be just my opinion.

I am 40 one year older then you and the answer is yes yes yes.


Somebody very close to me committed suicide over four years ago and I think about many times every day.

This person suffered from depression not any form of autism but he felt nobody would miss him.


Your 39 get your stuff togetherd and though it out nature will get us all in the end.

I am 63 - never leaves my mind - I don't want to be here, but I don't want to stay - its so permanent -that sucks - I want to stay to survive this world and overcome it as much as possible and that is why I am still here

I've had those kinds of thoughts since I was thirteen. I also deal with depression. I used to do some very dangerous things, and things that were harmful to me because of them. In a weird way, suicidal thoughts relax me; I'm not sure why.

I'm 46, it's always been a constant since about the same age 15 or so. Death is always an option.

What causes such thoughts is it depression is it a trait of ASD?

I've got a weird thing going. I've been suicidal since I was 5. I'm 64 just today. A couple of months ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not suffering. But the suicidal ideation left me. I'm more relaxed. If it's time to go, so be it. And I could go without burdening the family with suicide.

Something along these lines, I think about death and suicide and for whatever reason I often feel relieved. I think it plays into a sort of break for the mind to think, even for a moment, that it will be over soon. But this is only present for me when depressed or when I don't live up to my own expectations of myself (which is frequent). When not depressed, I have the opposite: what I think is called existential dread.

It is a rare day that I do not think about suicide. I started considering it as a teenager, but would only think about it a few times a month. Now at 69, I think about it almost every day. I have no love for this world and consider humanity to be a failed experiment that should be terminated. But the next world after this one . . . . . . . that's the problem. It too is going to be a real hell, just like this one, only different. Perhaps I am just a closet Cather, since I share many of their beliefs.

Depression and Anxiety often go hand-in-hand with Autism Spectrum Disorders. I've been depressed and severely depressed for most of my life. I've been suicidal more times than I can count, I've come VERY close to it several times.

I think for me, even on my worst days, I think of it like this as of recently - I AM going to die. That is a fact. I am going to leave this world eventually and see what all the fuss is about. It's inevitable. So I might as well live the only life I've got for as long as I can. I know it's hard to think rationally when you're in a severely depressed mood but force it. Look for anything that you enjoy. Do that.
And some days all you may want to do is sit alone in your room, blocking out the world, and binge watching netflix or internet videos or your special interest for 2 days straight.. DO THAT THEN! Do whatever the hell you want to do in this life because you only get one. If you want to be a recluse out in a cabin in the woods (I dream of this some days) then DO THAT!

I just read a story about a mid-40 year old man who lived nearly 30 years in the woods alone. He was happy there (Apart from nearly freezing in the winters) and enjoyed his own company. It wasn't until he was caught for thieving supplies that he became miserable living in our society. *He is also believed to have Aspergers.*

You are going to die, you don't have a choice. But don't do it yourself.

{hug}

Not very often. Maybe once every week or two. It scares me and I hate myself for it. Mostly though, these are just thoughts envisioning how it would be... I never REALLY want to die unless I have horrible tinnitus, low blood sugar, massive noise overload- things like that.

I have these thoughts, but not all the time. I first started having them, if I remember correctly, sometime during elementary school.

It must suck to have those thoughts every day.

The thing is, I have strong beliefs in this stuff. Like the suicidal stuff. But what keeps me from doing it is logistics. Logically, would this be a burden or create a mess in my house or in my area? Would it freak out cops and cause more regulatory overreach? So what I do is try to make it so that I contribute more than I take.

Because, my main idea as to why I don't feel I deserve to live is that I take more than I give, and that there are too many people in the world. Usually when I have a suicidal day I skip food for the day and that helps me. Also I try to give to others. I try to make sure I haven't got any days off so that I am always working and paying taxes. Also look for causes. That's what helps me.

Ever since I was 17, I've probably thought about it a majority of the days I've had. I used to be looking for a way to carry it out but recently it's more of just a thought that comes to my mind either randomly or because something triggered it, I haven't been trying to make plans as much recently.

The only reason I think I am alive right now is because I didn't want it to be just an attempt, if I was going to do it I wanted to make sure I would die. I wasn't going to risk living through it and have to deal with all the aftermath. I've never had access to firearms, and I could never jump off a building or bridge (I have a phobia of heights and specifically ledges; if I ever come near one I immediately feel a strong need to back away and/or lay down on the ground, I could never make myself even get close).

More recently I haven't been as depressed, so suicide doesn't occupy my thoughts as much as it did (I used to be thinking about it constantly). But it still feels like it's there all the time at the back of my mind, and I don't think it will ever go away at this point. If I was given the opportunity to do it I am not sure what I would do.