Female AS - dealing with "competitors"

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Hi there,

I am an AS woman in her early 30s, and I've never had a boyfriend. It is just that I don't seem to understand signs. Friends have been telling me over and over, that I was a very attractive woman, and that I could be very charming. Till the age of 26, I did not even have a single date, after that, I started online dating. Looking back, I can see that a number of guys has been seriously interested in me - but I did not even notice it back then.
Since I am dating men I got to know online, I always seem to make the same mistake: In the first phase of getting to know each other, I usually don't get a realistic picture of what a guy "feels" for me, and as I acknowledge, that he may not yet be able to have made up his mind, I tend not to raise expectations. Then what usually happens is that I notice all the other women in his life, I realize him showing interest in them or them in him (oh, how I hate facebook likes ). Usually, I am not able to figure out, what this other woman means to him. (And you surely agree, that it is a no-go to ask ?!). Well, what happens next (it has happened over and over again) is that I draw back a little and observe the situation. That is of course quite risky, as it may be regarded as disinterest (while nothing could be farther from the truth).
I simply do not know, how to show affection, or what measure of affection and compliments is ok and does not offend him. For me, this situation is almost unbearable and it usually ends such that I am witnessing how the guy I like (or I am in love with) gets together with the woman I suspected to be "my rival".

How can I be "the right one"? How can I show interest without intimidating him?

And yes, this question is very pressing for me just now. I like him very much, but I do not even know whether he is interested in a friendship or more. And then there is this other perfectly friendly, educated and beautiful woman, whom he is going to visit next weekend (it needed some facebook investigation to find that out...).
I am wondering, whether I should make the whole thing a little easier and just talk about me and say that I am currently not spending time with/dating another guy (hoping that he would tell me the same...). I am just feeling so miserable and helpless and feel, as if I was (again!) loosing him.

You need to not sugarcoat or overstate things.

I made a horrible mistake in a prior relationship with a girlfriend where I felt i had this need to 'act' out romantically, things in movies, or other things. I would tell her I love her. A lot. I would see her with other men and react how i though guys should act given how I saw them in movies or other. I was basically trying to interpret how I should act through culture and completely paranoid that if I didn't fit the cultural model that it wouldn't work out.

Well in the process of me trying 'act' out how I thought I was supposed to express interest and be romantic I basically freaked the s**t out of her cause I guess my acting wasn't very good. So be sure you AREN'T doing that.

I've since find that you should never be thinking in terms of "what would culture expect me to do or respond to this in order to signal this". Think in terms of describing yourself directly and literally but not overstated beyond what it is.

So you had a really amazing conversation, and had lots of emotions of connect. You don't need to say you "LOVE" him or give some lofty compliment trying to 'act'. Just state it literally and plainly "This conversation was very valuable to me and I hope we can have more". "Your company makes me feel very warm and comfortable". "I don't feel alone around you". Just state literally what your feeling in the specific context of what is happening. its through these simple honest statements that deduce if you are actually and truly compatible. If you can't just be yourself and have it naturally grow into connection how could connection ever be maintained? This is why people date. They have an initial attraction, a big crush, love feelings, emotion, they mythologize the other person, they imagine what they think they are and how they relate. But its only through dating, clearly representing who you really are that you can actually deduce if your imagination is reasonable or if its just a fantasy to take elsewhere.

As for asking questions. Just literally state them. Don't beat around the bush. Say that you don't like dating guys who date lots of other girls. If he isn't agreeable, he isn't right. You can go on the next one faster. Believe me I know its super exciting when you first encounter a few people who really believe are perfect and your supposed to 'work' this thing to make it work somehow. But don't try to change people. Don't get obsessive over people pre-eminatively. There are so many people, there is one that doesn't need changing. Decide on what you want and don't want and just state it. This intimidates a lot of men because they don't want women who have a mind it scares them. But also do you really want to get into a relationship with a guy like that? Maintain yourself and your dignity. Its about presenting who you really are and seeing if they choose to continue to like it, and they might not. Be prepared to always move on. Don't let your mind get ahead of where things really are. He likes multiple women, he might like you. He may be physically attracted to you, but not connect with you mentally. It takes a few months of going out regularly to decipher these things. Although you SHOULD go out for a few months to even see if your compatible before you try to tell him you don't like him around other women as much. Its possible he actually is more compatible with this other woman. You have to get out of the competition and fighting mentality. There isn't any winning and ownership in real relationship, there is only representation of the self and synchronizing of like qualities between people.

Lots of guys complain about how women play "mind games" & how they cant figure out what women want so maybe it'll be good to try an Aspie approach & be straight up with em about liking them & see what happens next instead of trying to analyze NT guy language & making assumptions.

It's sad enough that NT girls think they must show hints. It really saddens me that even an aspie girl thinks so. I'm the last person that should be giving dating advice, so all I'll say is that if I was a woman (and had this problem) I would just tell guys I like them. I mean, let me be perfectly clear, I would literally say the words "I (really) like you. Do you like me?" This is not advice, it's simply what (I think) I would do.

Oh god I am so afraid to do that. There is a guy I like but I am afraid of rejection.
One time he and a few coursemates had lunch at my house and he let me borrow an extra large bowl since he lived so close anyway. As he (and the others) left he said: "And when I come back to pick up my bowl in the evening Cafeaulait will me invite to have a drink with her". I though he was flirting with me but then my friend said he was just joking. Apprearantly I freaking suck at hints.

Go for guys who are way less handsome and charming, and not desired by a horde of women.

I've always been pretty forthcoming- once I've figured it out myself enough to at least know what direction I'm headed.

As in "ok I like you. Should we do something about that or are you going to pursue someone else?". Variations on that.

It's hard and nervewracking, and ties my stomach in knots and is SO not easy at all.
But i find it's much better to blurt something awkward out along the lines of "I like cherry coke and you like cherry coke so we should hold hands" rather than just try to guess at all this winking and nodding and awkward sitting close so thighs are touching OMG DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING stuff. Because it's complete agony and I hate it.

And if someone is completely turned off by me just asking "Do you dig me and want to hold my hand and OH BY THE WAY do you like how my hair smells?" then they wouldn't be able to handle any kind of romantical relationship with me anyway if it somehow meandered over in that general direction. It would be stressful and not fun.

it's not a given that you can't outright ask, or tell, or any of that. I feel like it's an assumption because it's hard to do and it's scary. But I prefer the "short term in your face awkward" as opposed to the "long drawn out agonizing awkward". We are just supposed to accept that the latter is The Way Things Are.

And it's crap because that's all confusing.

Anyway. So says me. I shall now await the public flogging.

Yesss! An actual female to back up the "just say it" thing I was talking about.

SignOfLazarus, you haven't been posting for very long, but I like you already! This seems like as good a thread as any to say so.

Sorry if I am not the most for words. If it makes you feel any better, I want to say that I also have my problems as well. Especially since I can be oblivious to things or just not get it. I had my first date ever a couple of months ago.

If you really like a man, then tell him. You can say that I like you, and am interested in a relationship with you. Keep it short and concise.

Since you are a woman there shouldn't be any really bad repercussions for this straight approach even though it breaks the dating code of NTs. The man is primarily attracted to your looks, and if he likes your personality as well, then you have nothing to lose by just showing your interest in a clear manner. Your straightforwardness will be greatly appreciated by many men.

However, I would caution that some men might take advantage of this situation, since you are giving them the power. There is a chance that some more socially savvy guys might take advantage of your naivety. Therefore, you shouldn't wait any man to make up his mind. If you show explicit interest in a man, and the man doesn't do something about it very quickly then you should move on.

A somewhat rational and numbers-game-esque approach to dating is in order.

I wod think that the social savvy manipulator would be quick on the draw, to take advantage of her forthrightness.

heh. I have never felt I was giving someone else power by being honest with them. EVEN in this particular situation. If I was saying "I love you and I will die if you don't feel the same"... then yeah that can set up a power differential. Talking about how you feel about someone doesn't have to. People might try to take advantage of the situation, some may succeed and some may not. But you don't automatically give someone power by simply being honest. You hand over power by attaching actions and demands and ultimatums. The idea that honesty can screw us over [give away our power over ourselves or our autonomy] is one of the falsehoods I think that make people not want to be very honest about where they stand with one another. I think maybe because it's freakin' scary. Though it is true that people will often try to take advantage of the people who are honest, honesty does not necessarily equal naivety. False.



Then that would mean they were manipulating me form the very beginning anyway if this was the case?

So I'd rather live my life not assuming everyone I meet- particularly those I wish to form close bonds with- are out to manipulate me and screw me over. That's actually served me better than assuming everyone is out to harm me.

I've tried it both ways and while you DO get hurt in either situation, the former ensures anxiety and heartache and the worst in people way more often I've found. Mostly because you are forever looking for those things in people- you are bound to find what you are looking for and be scared off by them.

I will grant that is certainly my personal experience and it will not be the same for everyone, everywhere, every time. We all have to find our own way through.