Anxiety Attacks After Last Breakup

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This last go-around, I found myself in an AS/AS relationship.

Sounds like a perfect match (for the men on this forum), right?

Wrong.

After getting a promotion at my current job, I had received a phone call from her saying that "she wasn't faithful" and had cheated on me with another person. She had told me beforehand that she had feelings for a past fling, but we spoke about it and enforced the concept of letting go of the past in order to make this relationship work.

Obviously old habits stay a thing.

It's been about a month since, but periodically before I go to bed I experience really severe anxiety attacks where I am still recovering the next day from.

Is there a better way to cope with this breakup?

I'm afraid to jump into another relationship after this last episode, I don't want the next attack to put me in the hospital...

Well s**t, perhaps I'm not the friendliest dude in existence but I at least don't use reverse psychology on anyone I love. Humans are a vicious species, but I don't see that providing rationale for being unkind to them. ASD doesn't really factor in, everyone needs to let their mind settle before moving back toward these goings-on.

I mean... People on the internet are nasty, I can't imagine how that rationalizes trying to "compete" by stooping to a similar level.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

^ wtf does this have to do with the topic?

I was in an AS/AS relationship myself and break up. I was the one that didn't know I had AS until recently. True story.


Seek a thrapist that know AS. Seriously, that is the only thing keeping me from having more anxiety attacks and fits. To know I get to vent about it and get a kind of feed back from a professional.

Reaquaint yourself with your special interests,

Right now you are stuck in a loop just like me. Take care of your mind. Buy a massage, even if it feels funny, try it.

Seems to me you're anxious that you've been perceived as too kind; fair warning, there is no such disposition. I was referring to the link in your signature.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

My issue is being too nice and too shy when it comes to dating. I'm so chickenshit to approach anyone and i can't punch the idiot inside my brain that's holding me back.

I'm too chickenshit to join a club or activity because there's nothing left in Rochester.

I'm too chickenshit to go to clubs and bars because I don't drink or smoke, which can be a real turn-off (no liquid courage)

Western NY plays by an "Adapt or Perish" model, maybe i'm just meant to perish...

Is the nature of youy anxiety mainly social or general?

Either way I suggest CBT.

Joining social club may be something that you may wan to do in the future, but baby steps. You will need to break the problem down, which is part of CBT.

It sounds like the break up may have effectively set up or worsen an anxiety disorder.

You have to understand that however unfortunate this catalyst is, even when you are over the breakup you can be left with a mental illness. The catalyst may no longer be relevant at this point (despite what old Freudian idea tell you).

A someone who used to have regular panic attacks, and haven't had one since 2007, I recommend dealing with this.

I would say something perhaps unexpected, don't treat this purely part of a break up. Treat it as a negative cycle of behavior an cognition it is.

Now this has nothing to do with being 'normal' or 'curing' AS, it about dealing with negative cognition and behaviors, and developing coping strategies for the future.

Part of the reason why I don't have panic attacks now, is becuase where a situation might progress to panic attack I have the strategies an mentality to nip it in the bud.

Do you feel like you have closure here?
I must ask what the last thing you said to her was? and if you feel like you told her what you needed to say? (in a reasonable and stern way). I'm in my late twenties and I know that when I was 21 or 22 and dealing with women that would do this type of stuff to me. I had a tendency to stop communicating. Stopping communication without letting someone know you don't appreciate the treatment you received from them didn't work for me. But finding the words to say or the right actions to let them know you didn't appreciate it was trickier. So maybe a professional counsellor or therapist can help.

Gawd I hate the word 'closure'. Remember when this was not a buzzword?

If something is negatively affecting you naturally you want to reduce that effect. But the whole concept of closure, and whatnot I think is a red herring.

I am no expert, but I will take my guess anyway. I hope I can help you here.

Think back to previous panic attacks and think hard enough that you are able to trace a pattern of what would usually happen. That is likely what you will have to deal with.

I had bad anxiety attacks after my 1st relationship ended. Getting on psych meds helped with the anxiety attacks some & posting about things on forums aLOT helped me sort things out.

I start having severe panic attacks not immediately after my breakup but a girl I was sleeping with confronted me about her and if I was over her. They continued onto the next relationship that lasted 3 months before she broke it off, no doubt sensing my anxiety. I have sought counseling and mental health help and while it's not disappeared completely it is greatly reduced. Basically it all stems back to how much rejection I faced as a child and teenager from peers and relatives and it has made me become "needy" for lack of a better term. That is precisely why I ended up in a relationship with a girl that I know beyond any reasonable doubt had Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't even go into how anxiety inducing BPDs are in a relationship! As of now I no longer need to take Psych Meds and I am weening myself off of anti-depressants although I would be lying if I said I was feeling great.

Im personally of the opinion that people seeking to go into AS/AS relationships, i.e non-dominating non-controlling relationships. They need to have sex with other people. They need to date other people through it. Especially when younger. It's really a neurotypical fantasy and somewhat delusion that you find someone and then DECIDE thats it, your going to commit forever only each other, exclusivity. A truly healthy AS / AS relationship I think developed through finding someone to explore yourself and life with who really understands you and wants you to fully explore all your instincts and yourself and truly empower yourself. You be there for each other as individuals. If she needed to go back and have sex with another guy to see what its like then she needed to. Maybe he was actually more ideal for her and she had learned some things from you that made her think maybe he was the right one and that your desire to commit and hold was actually inhibiting her from truly manifest her most ideal situation, and your most ideal situation, as she truly wasn't the most right for you. I think its really important that with AS people you don't fall into the mental traps and ideations of neurotypical people, for neurotypical people its all a domination and control game. For autistic people this is unhealthy, it must be extremely mutual. AS/AS relationships connect on almost a transcendent level to neurotypical people, even if two AS people have sex with other people, the sex isn't as connecting as the innate transcendent AS AS connection, its that connection which will form true bonds through AS people.

Maybe you shouldn't of broken up, maybe you shouldn't of been in a relationship in the first place. You probably should of just recognized your connection and said "Im here for you" and continued to explore life fully, sexually, however, simply being support for each other.

As an autistic male, especially younger, I know there is this serious hangup because you think its way easier for girls to get sex, which in a way it is. So when entering into AS AS relations, you want to disenable an imbalance of what you see as her being able to get sex easier than you for personal exploration. But notice this is you projecting your personal problem on her. Truth is it can be just as easy for male and females to get sex. If you had a handful of other girls to go have sex with, you wouldn't have had the impulse to grab at her so tightly away from males. Its really an impulse of your own insecurity and lack of development. Work on yourself, get to the point where sex is not something you get by controlling the situation, but learn to be attractive enough that sex is freely available to you as you need it. Then bonds can be formed not around the need to control, and control sex, but it can be formed around true connection at a level beyond sex.

The anxiety you feel is most likely the rising of your own self, the rising of your intensity, your own identity. From now knowing, you can't become a full person the way neurotypical people, falling on each other and being dominated by one another. It induces a lot of anxiety and tension and takes a huge amount of will to stand on your own. You must not fear your own intensity, it is you, it will form the backbone of your individual identity.

If you do really feel like she is solid connection and has potential. I would tell her that maybe you two shouldn't of been in a relationship from the beginning, but you'd like to still explore your relation. Make it openly stated that you aren't dependent or exclusive to each other, but you are there for each other as support. Maybe in the process both of you will discover more ideal people. But to lose what could of been a valuable connection to grow because you could not hammer it into a neurotypical model of relationships could be inhibiting for both of you. Sometimes this isn't always possible either. I encountered a girl one time, where the support she needed was to basically have multiple guys obsessed and adoring her. She would come to me for nights of freaky sex to make herself feel empowered and play mind games to get me to obsess over her, and did that with other guys too,which is what she needed to overcome her personal issues, but her inability to perceive what was most healthy for me, and pull my instincts to be purely a thing for her development, and not the most ideal for my development, disallowed us from being there for each other. So I'd see if the door can stay open but be conscious of what may really be going on and if its actually helpful. The way to really tell this is, how does she make you feel after she is gone and you are alone? Do you feel more empowered and capable after time with her? Or do you feel more obsessive and insecure.