Making friends with 'degenerate' people easily?

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I seem to have a bit of a dilemma.

It seems that, whenever I might meet someone nice, they almost always turn out to be what I would call 'degenerate'.

What I mean by this is, they might engage in destructive or illegal behavior.

For example, I might end up being acquaintances/minor friends with someone who drinks, does drugs, may or may not already have lost their virginity, might go to parties with their little gangster acting friends, etc.

I hate to sound snobby/elitist, but I just don't like these kind of people and don't mix with them well, which I think is natural for many of us Aspies.

The problem is, of all kinds of people out there, they seem to be the ones I am most easily drawn to.

I find that I have to hide my true self around them, because I know they are the kind of people who would actually hate me or see me as weak or sensitive or effeminate, etc. if they knew the real me. I'm not fake or anything, just secretive. I'm shy, like poetry, music, all that kind of stuff.

Anyway, yeah, my question is, how do I fix and avoid this problem? How do I stop myself from being so drawn to such people?

It's already happened a few times in only the last couple of months. This new guy seemed nice enough, he's mentioned he's been drunk, and he's implied he has had one-night-stands with females or in his words "i'm just looking for a quick f*ck". I thought he could of made a nice friend and gave him the idea I would be his friend, but once I found out he's "THAT" kind of person, I chose not to continue things...

This other new guy a year older seemed nice as well, he however soon made it clear he likes marijuana/weed (having a funny game on his phone where you grow a weed plant, and a hat that said 'I love weed') and also that he was drunk at his mates house once, etc.

NOTE: None of them truly become good friends, I purposely choose not to hang out with them. But I'm still nice to them, have conversations with them, etc. and they're always nice and welcoming to me.

What do I do? Has anyone else here experienced something like this?

I do not have advice on what to do, all I can say is that I've had similar experiences. I've always had very strong morals and they don't even stem from religious beliefs. Except, somehow I always manage to only be able to make friends with people who really aren't going anywhere in life and don't even have any real aspirations to. When I was a young teen, I found myself pressured to do some less than favorable activity often and I always ended up complying. I stopped talking to these people by the time I had turned fifteen and they were all just smoking weed all day every day and probably flunking all of their classes the last I heard about them two years or so ago.

I never really was myself in these groups, I always ended up being who I thought they'd want to be and even then I think they only enjoyed my company because my stupidity was good for a quick laugh. I've never figured out why I can't manage to make friends that actually share my interests and personal beliefs...

I had the same problem. I did not fix it sad to say, I just have accepted that I don't need allot of friends. I am lucky that I have one friend that is not a degenerate. He might think he is, but his qualities that he will never steal and will not be dishonest. He will tell me what he thinks that is for sure.

If you are looking for a good friend that is not a degenerate. Go into your mind palace do not wait to be approached. Why? De generates are looking for you. Some one that looks vulnerable and lonely. Easy prey for some one looking for a f!@#$. That lonely person will share the same mannerisms as you. Looking away, not talking to people, paying attention to a TV or just something that is not animated. That is the person that I won't have to tolerate. Due to the fact that that person and me are just trying tolerate every one else. Yes it does sound snobby. The reward of bringing a person out of their shell ...you will find a loyal friend.

I also feel turned off by some of the shadier things some people like to get up to, and I haven't liked it when a person with a lifestyle I can't condone is drawn to me. It doesn't happen much lately but it's been a factor at times in the past.

Oddly, my now-ex-husband was a magnet for shady people! Just going out for a quiet dinner on a special occasion always somehow became all about some person who either approached us, or some "old friend" of my ex's who ran into us and it became clear the guy was a bit on the dark side of life, illegal activities and such. When all I wanted was a cosy, wholesome dinner for the two of us, suddenly we're hanging out with some stranger regaling us with tales of how much LSD he did "back in the sixties, man"....

And instead of politely saying we're just out on our anniversary dinner, thanks, my hubby would wallow in whatever person had intruded upon our time, lap it all up and let the guy rule our entire night out. It felt really sad to me. I was never rude to these people and it's not that I was being judgmental -- someone's chosen lifestyle is their business and not mine, whatever they need to do in their life -- but I actually didn't even feel safe, sometimes. It wasn't a safe feeling, being around some of these characters. Little wonder my marriage did not last, although this was only one of many reasons why this guy was not the right person for me.

With my world as I experience it already an alarming place in many ways that I have to strenuously manage, I feel safer when the people I know or spend time with are just nice, ordinary people with no darker habits or illegal activities in their lives for me to find something else to worry about, for myself and for them.

Erm ... lose the judgmental piety?

I don't know where you live from, but being drunk, talking about one night stands which you *may* or *may not* really have had and experimenting with marijuana once in a while hardly strike me as uncommon activities for people your age. What's more, if you open your mind a little you might find that these people have more to offer as all-round human beings than what you consider to be their degenerate behaviour might suggest. Plus, they'll probably grow out of seeing such actions as anything worth boasting about as they get older.

just be yourself, you will drawn people who are similar to you or people who appreciate your point of view. Sometimes degenerate people looks for someone who help them to set limits.

As I said I don't mix with these people well, they aren't "my" kind of people so to speak.

I'm not saying what they do is bad, and they are nice people, don't get me wrong.

However, I know their 'type'. These are the kind of people who wouldn't accept me for who I am and I can already tell.

I was actually GOOD friends with one of the kinds of people I'm talking about. He called me a 'p*ssy little f*ggot' or something like that because I asked him if he likes CARD GAMES.

This is what I'm talking about. The kind of people who would beat the cr*p out of me and call me a f*ggot if I ever told them I think I'm Bisexual. The kind of people who would see me as "effeminate, weak, a sissy" if they knew I liked writing, reading, poetry, art, etc.

The majority of people who do drugs, get drunk and all that stuff are still just nice, ordinary people.

However, those AREN'T the ones that I'm so drawn to. I'm drawn more to the ones that would try to use me for their own gains, or abandon me when times get tough. Slimy little weasels who would bring more trouble to me than good.

But you DO have a point. Maybe I should be less judgemental firsthand.

The real issue is separating the decent and nice people who might have a little fun sometimes, and the low-lifes who might just use me.

Outrider, personally I don't think you're being judgmental, as nothing in your posts says anything hateful about these people, just that you don't feel comfortable. I'm the same, and in my own post also, I tried to emphasize that I'm not judging anyone I've encountered, I just don't really feel comfortable. There are sometimes even some good reasons not to be, as, yes, someone can actually not just be a nice person with a couple of fun habits but truly a lowlife.

And even when they're not, but just the "people having some fun," it can be a problem because if one of these people get into trouble and you're with them or associated with them, you can wind up hauled downtown too. I'm already a person riddled with anxiety. (And no, "substances" don't help with that, but make it worse.) From my own experience I have found that the only way I can get through life without being in constant stress is to make sure everything in my control is as normal as possible and that nothing I do, or that anyone closely associated with me does, is going to land me in trouble, jail, whatever. That kind of thing feels like a worse nightmare to me.

I need my life stable and decent, just for my own mental health. It's not judgmentalism if I'm aware that others are fine living a different way, but I can't stand the chaos of being near that. That's just my personal inner set of needs for my own life, and perhaps you are similar.

Ah, ok - I'm sorry. I didn't realise there was a homophobic / bullying subtext gong on here too. If that's the case, I can understand why you wouldn't want to associate with people like them. I know what it's like - I also grew up in a small village with its fair share of narrow-minded / judgemental people similar to the ones you mention. That's one of the main reasons I moved to London. Maybe philistines would have been a more accurate term to use than degenerates?

Erm I guess avoiding it would be not hiding what you're really like.
I'm normally very blunt and fine with pointing out when I disagree with someone and sometimes they really like that.
If they don't, does it matter if you're not very keen on them anyway?
Sometimes they respect that you like them even though you're so different and it becomes a bonding point.

Edit: I attract people who I don't think are best for me, and I'm also trying to figure out how to avoid it.
I think the idea for me is looking in places where I'd be most comfortable, and thus people I'd be better off with might be more comfortable.
I tend to like rockers and relaxed people but that can come with it's own problems that play against my other traits, so I'm looking at the hierarchy of things. I've noticed motivation and inquisitiveness is very important to me so I'm placing that at my focus and then the other traits as secondary things (I had it the other way around before, maybe that was the problem).
So perhaps you need to look at different places and environments to associate with people, and in that new environment see who you're attracted to and who's attracted to you in that situation.

Test things out basically, and figure out your priorities.

Safety should be first, along with self respect and comfort. I learnt that the hard way recently.

I see it as a matter of "like attracts like."

We are the "freaks" of society. Hence, I think there is an inherent "kinship" with others who are regarded the same way. We suffer the same basic issues of being social outcasts.

most of the onlly people i attract too are scum in my opinion, or scum in someonnes elses opinion. scum in my opinion would be sociopaths who lie to make me thinkk i was ther friend but they were only actually using me, while scum in other peoplles opinion i mean people who do drugs and think violence/violent crimes is fun/status symbol and other stuff. i dont consider thos people scum unless they are sociopathic on top of it all - usuallly they are more nice to me than "upstanding" people, more frank insted of always backstabbing, and they can be fun

To think of someone as being degenerate is a very harsh judgement, even if you keep it to yourself, I think they can always tell when you judge them that way, because it will colour your words and actions towards them, and they're not going to want to be around you. So of course you're going to have a hard time becoming their friend. But it sounds like you don't want to be their friend anyway, so is the problem just that you get drawn to them? Maybe you should make a list of the good qualities they have that draw you to them, and then reevaluate if they're really such bad people when you weigh up the pros and cons?

If you treat them with respect, and they still disrespect you back, then of course you should avoid them, but keep in mind that your negative experience with them doesn't mean you will have a negative experience with everyone who looks like them or does the same things as them. I used to struggle with this too. People like to form cliques and act the same, but they are really quite different, under the surface. The problem is usually that you don't fit in their clique, and that's when they start insulting you. You just have to accept it and find another group.

There's loads of reasons why a group of people could be rude to you, often it's because just one person in the group doesn't like you, for some trivial reason, and they all follow his lead. That doesn't mean they're all bad, they're just doing what they have to to keep their group together. Don't take it too personally.

This is why I have a hard time getting along in groups. The IQ of the group does seem to be equivalent to the dumbest person in the group divided by the number of people, but talk to them alone and suddenly they act normal again.

It's the same for me; strong sense of morals but not religious but I also got along with religious people despite being a Secular Humanist but lots of em tried to convert me.

I acted out certain fasts of my personality with them that tended to stay inside me otherwise & i had some fun but it wasn't who I really was & wasn't healthy for me.

I don't think Im a freak. I'm considered a bit eccentric and unique, sure. But I'm likeable, sociable, and fairly flexible with who I can get on with.
I actually think I have a saviour complex; I take on people who I want to help who seem to be abandoned by others. They often take advantage, if not initially, they do eventually.
=/

I agree with the second bit people probably think people I hang around are 'scum' or degenerate, except probably would not want to hang around people that think violence/violent crime is fun or a status symbol....now shenanigans is one thing but don't think any of the people I really hang around would be to happy with a friend or acquaintance if they actually went around committing violence(especially if it came back to us in any way) considering we like to drink and smoke in peace that would just bring attention of cops and such....my friends acquaintances have had fights but that's for a reason not fun/status symbol.

Either way I find the deviants of society much of the time are much more easy to get along with and less judgmental than a lot of your 'normal' or even well to do ordinary people who steer clear of any deviance or try to.