How do you express feelings without ''moaning''?

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I have some good social skills what the majority of ASD people lack, but one thing what has always confused me is how to express yourself without being accused of moaning. I have always been told to ''stop moaning'', and although I have improved on making myself moan less by smiling and laughing more and not using a whinging one of voice when voicing my opinion (and yes people don't say ''stop moaning'' to me any more so I feel I have improved), whenever somebody tells somebody else to stop maoning they always point to me and go ''she moans all the time!'' So I somehow still ''moan'', and that seems to be a word that everybody uses about me, even though I know that I have noticeably improved on this since I was a child.

But I was a very anxious child, and the world seemed overwhelming to me, and all I was doing was telling people how I felt, and people yelling ''stop moaning!'' did not really help, but made me feel worse. But when I got to a teenager I decided to learn from this, and mentally note down when I was moaning and how often people commented on it and I learnt to reduce moaning and come off as more positive, and now I find I have changed a LOT and I DO see the world in a more positive view. I find some people moan literally about EVERYTHING, that even I get a bit sick of them, but I don't say anything because I try to understand how they're feeling.

But sometimes I do face a situation where I kind of have to ''moan''. Like once when it was pouring with rain on a winter day, and I was with my friend. We weren't in any rush to get anywhere, but she wouldn't quickly shelter in a nearby shop to wait for the rain to ease a bit, and my trousers were getting soaked and I was getting cold, and most people (especially us girls) don't like getting soaking wet and freezing cold, so I said ''can we quickly shelter somewhere for a few minutes? My legs are getting really soaked and I am freezing.'' Although I didn't say it negatively, my friend said ''stop moaning, it's only a bit of water!'' But she only lived up the road and so could get changed into dry clothes, but I had a 45-minute bus ride to get home, and I didn't fancy sitting in wet clothes all that time. That's the sort of situation where it is appropriate to say that you are disatisfied.

I never know how to do this right. Does anybody else?

I feel that sometimes no matter how matter-of-factly and non-whiny one expresses a need or request or complaint, some people will always call it "moaning" or whining, and sometimes that's more about their negative and be-nighted outlook, than about you.

At the risk of pissing off everyone from the UK --- I'm born and raised British too! -- this tends to be very commonplace in the UK, by which I mean, the mindset of thinking that ANY form of assertion of one's needs is "moaning" and the person should just shut up and put up.

I don't agree with that mindset. I lived in another country for a long time, one which I generally found seemed to have a slightly different take on things. While people there did sometimes accuse others of merely moaning, there was maybe less of that and more of the mindset that being able to assert a request or requirement or need, exactly like that one, that you'd rather shelter for a while because you're getting soaked and cold and have a longer journey home, please and thank you, is actually admirable because you are managing to assert your needs in a matter-of-fact way. There was generally more frankness there and most people took assertions not as whining but as telling it like it is. In the UK it's much more often called moaning/whining, I notice.

There is a difference in whether even one's tone of voice is whiny/moany or simply calm and factual. Choice of words too -- there's a difference between, for example: "Aaahhh, nooooo, I'm soaking!! !! I wanna get outta the rain, aaah" and "Okay, um, I think I need to shelter under that place until this rain eases off, I have a longer journey home than you and I'm pretty soaked, so....lets just dodge under here for a minute."

It sounds to me like you know how to do that latter one rather than the first one, because you've really tried hard. And yet still get accused sometimes of moaning. That's frustrating!

But maybe it would help to remember that sometimes that other person saying you're moaning is in the wrong, and it's their own negativity and not yours.

I'm not entirely sure, but it sounds to me like you're giving off vibes of being uncertain of yourself and anxious to please others, eg "by smiling and laughing more and not using a whinging one of voice."

A lot of people will pick up on those vibes and use it to walk all over you. It may not be a conscious thing on their part - I'm sure if you were to confront them about it they'd completely deny it and say they didn't mean anything by it or were only joking.

The moral of the story is that you shouldn't try to change yourself too much to please other people. It rarely works and you can end up losing sight of who you really are. I know people who moan about loads of things, but they are NTs and not self-conscious about it.

Obviously, if you were having a tantrum or bending somebody's ear for half an hour, then you would be right to try to curtail that. But from what I can tell, you don't seem to be actually any more "negative" than half the people I know.

Ignore them and keep moaning. Easy.

You weren't moaning. Your friend was being self-centered and inconsiderate.

What I would do with a person like that, rather than asking "can we..." I would say "I need to get out of the rain for awhile, until it slows down, do you want to hang out here with me or meet back up later?" That way you are stating a need and making a firm choice, not asking whether it is acceptable to them or not.

If you are leaving it up to other people to decide whether or not you can do something, that gives them the opening to say you are whining or making too much of something.

Exactly. People are just projecting their own negative way of thinking onto you. It's just the reflection of their negativity.


Very true. Trying to please others usually only results in them stepping on your head and getting away with it. When someone accuses you of moaning, you might want to tell him/her to stop being negative.


I agree.

I would purposely moan even more if someone moans about my "moaning".

i dunno, if they always use the name moaning it probably has to do with the tone of your voice more than with wat is actualy being said. alternatively you can actualy just tell them it are you're authentic feeling that you don't want you're pants to get wet and that they should be respected

Hang out with people who aren't so sensitive to tone is the only way I can see to do it. I

've had people tell me I'm being "negative" even though I don't mean to express anything "negative" and don't even feel "negatively." They were apparently projecting their emotional reactions onto me and I don't see what I could do to change that. Their feelings about the situation are more real to them than my intent.

I used to be like that when I was a child. I used to moan about EVERYTHING, and the other kids in my class used to yell at me. I felt quite isolated at the time because I was unsure how to express myself without moaning, and if somebody just tried to listen and understand, I think I would have moaned less and enjoyed myself instead. But nobody seemed to know how to put themselves in my shoes, even though I was expected to put myself in other people's shoes or else I ''lacked empathy''.


I thought it was only Autistics who can pick up/sense other people's vibes? There was a thread on WP a while ago about it. Sorry, not getting at anyone, I just get really confused and stressed when I see contradictions.

No, Aspies aren't the only ones that can sense vibes. I don't think I read the other thread you're talking about, but whomever said we're the only ones, was wrong!

Anyway, I totally agree with dianthus. State your case / stand your ground!! Don't say: "Do you wanna", say: "I'm doing this"! ! Like dianthus said, if you don't, it gives the other person le'way to walk all over ya!! ! If they say you're moaning, STILL, then say: "Well, this is what I'm doin'! !! !" (meaning, I'm taking shelter in here) It'll be difficult for BOTH parties to get used to "the new you", but keep-on with it, to make SURE it's understood that this is how you're gonna be now----if you don't, there'll be NO respecting you (and that's what they're doing----disrespecting you / your feelings----when they say you're moaning)! !! Take it from someone who's been there!!

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt259822.html

The thing to do is to announce what you're going to do, then do it. If you ask people's permission all the time, they'll think they can walk all over you.
So, in the situation you described,
"I'm staying here until the rain eases up. Enjoy your walk."

It was more of a rhetorical question, I wasn't literally asking my friend's permission.

I totally expected something different based on the thread title.

No, that's not true at all. Everyone subconsciously picks up on other people's behaviour. Too lazy to dig up anything right now, but studies have shown that first impressions are formed within 30 seconds of first meeting somebody (at a job interview, say). And once first impressions are formed, they can be hard to undo.

It's called gut instinct. It's not infallible, but without the ability to make instinctive decisions, the human race would have died out ages ago. As far as I know, Aspies are no better at this than anyone else. If anything, in some cases I would have thought they were worse at it. The classic example being the Aspie who goes on and on about his or her special interest and doesn't notice the listener's eyes glazing over with boredom.

I posted a link to the thread.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt259822. ... oPGRs.dpuf