Will he ever "get over it"?

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My husband and I have had a rocky relationship for the past year and a half, after 17 years of happy marriage, together for 21. Basically I think he was struggling (anxiety mostly but I also suspect he may have AS) for a long time but hiding it well- in hindsight I see times when I missed signs- but anyways in Jan 2013 "s**t hit the fan" as they say.. He just broke down I guess, and ended up lying a lot to me, and it was just a disaster.

I'm starting to realise that a lot of his seemingly as*hole behaviour was actually him trying to keep me from finding out because he thought if I knew how he was struggling then I would leave, but at the time I felt like he was just being an as*hole plain and simple. I was really hurt and angry so I didn't handle him that well- I kind of confirmed his fear in a way by getting mad (but the thing is, I was mad about the lying, not the mental health issue). I said some mean things. Namely, I said it was no wonder he has no friends, and that he's a burden on me. (I know, very very bad).

One of the weird things about my husband is he never forgets mean things people say. He still feels upset thinking about things kids said to him in KINDERGARTEN (it's not an exaggeration). So he is the worst person to say things you don't mean to.

It's hard for me to know what to do because what he did to me was really bad by anyone's standards (including his own - he seems to feel an unsurpassable amount of guilt), however, I'm over it. Obviously I won't ever "forget" , but I understand it better now and I'm ready to move on. But he's not at all.

I told him I was sorry about the things I said ages ago, but since I've written him a letter outlining why it's not true and why I would say something that wasn't true. He has told me it couldn't be a lie because I wasn't covering anything up. But I've explained that while I wasn't covering anything up, what I was doing was trying to make him feel as bad as I felt (which is 100% wrong). But he's not convinced. I think maybe partly because he would never do that...

He's not angry about it- he's not lording it over me- he's just anxious whenever we talk about real things (he likes to talk to me but it's about stuff that isn't real life- it's a book or whatever). Last night he broke down sobbing which is really uncharacteristic as he doesnt normally cry..and he was saying he wants me to like him. I do like him (honestly, I do) and I've him so like a million times since then. He's talking about "the hole" again that he dug himself into and can't get out of. I think part of it is the guilt he feels, but I've also told him I forgive him and don't care about the past anymore- all that matters now is the present- I need him to tell me the truth now, but whatever happened then is done for me. Maybe because he's not over the guilt, he is thinking I must still feel as hurt by him as I did before, thus I must still dislike him and think of him as a burden? (but I never truly felt that way, as I've told him).

I know it's ideal to always mean what you say in the first place, but it's pretty normal to say things you don't mean when you're hurt or angry. I have and had it done to me, in other relationships and you all get over it. You have to move on eventually- either that or discard the friendship. But based on last night, he really does not want to discard the friendship- he wants to fix it but he thinks he can't fix it with me- but he already has...ugh i just don't know. I've apologised, I mean my apology, I feel guilty - what else can I do??

I was just wondering if anyone has any advice. I hate to see him this upset. It's scary too because he attempted suicide a whole year after our big fight (back in Feb). Maybe it's beyond what I can help with, but I want to at least not make it worse. Not sure if it's typical of AS or just unique to him, but regardless I'm lost here.

sorry, but once a hurtful thing is said or done, it has to fade with time, there is no undoing or amelioration. the trust is gone and has to slowly be regained, and that takes time and no further slip-ups. you have got to ask yourself if you are up to this or not.

I'm not really sure what you can do to help him. I would honestly recommend church service myself and see if that improves his state of mind and wellbeing.

I will comment that it took me over a year to get over an ex telling me that I was a "selfish piece of s**t and deserved to be alone and away from people since nobody cares about you you selfish as*hole." this was someone I met at a meetup group that I am now a co-organizer for. I somehow started moving forward after starting church within the next month and starting dating my girlfriend (still with her) three months later. Eventually the two met when they became co-workers at a job and i was immediately concerned when my gf told me. It turned out then that I was not over being called a selfish piece of s**t.

What I was doing at the time when i was called that was walking away from that girl because she ignored any honesty I was giving her and because she wanted to believe her own bs. I knew she was lying to me and herself with the answers she gave me about what was going on with this other guy. The sad part is that i ended up being right about the situation she was in (at the time) about 5 months down the road. What happened is she fell for a player and lost her boyfriend over it. The fact that I admitted to still caring about her at the time is why she called me a selfish piece of s**t because she assumed I wanted in her pants when i didn't want to see her make the same mistake she made with me months earlier.

So will he get over what you said? I hope so. But he really has to want to and stop feeling guilty over a fight you two had.

Honestly, it's hard to say. I can only suggest honesty - it's incredibly important to be honest when dealing with people with autism, just because we take so much at face value. We typically aren't offended by people being blunt, so long as it is in fact honest. You need to tell him how you feel and why, whether it's positive or negative, and you realise that this is probably going to take years.

maybe attend marriage counseling as a couple? maybe he will listen if he hears it from somebody other than you?

it sounds like aspieness to me. if you don't understand the way normal people communicate, and you know you can't tell when someone is lying, it makes you paranoid. it can also make you really insecure. when I first got diagnosed, I got really insecure because all of a sudden I realized what other people could do that I couldn't do. I overthought every social interaction and basically developed this theory that all normal people are liars and not to be trusted. It has taken me a very long time to get over it. however, communication within romantic relationships are still almost impossible for me. I don't understand the other person's perspective and they don't understand my behavior because I have AS. I have a book on AS that I plan to have any future romantic partner read, but I haven't tried it yet. I like it because it uses everyday language and gives real life examples. It's called Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome by Cindy Ariel.

If it was one-sided, me just being mean, then I could see that. As it is, if you act like a jerk, you should expect the other person to say some jerky things back- and then when you stop and both apologise, essentially cut your losses. You shouldn't have done that, they shouldn't have done that, you've both apologised, it's over, and treating it as such makes happiness more attainable. Obviously he doesn't share my ideas though.

that is why I asked you if you were up to dealing with a one-sided relationship in that aspect. that can be a tall order.

Been there done that.

I don't know why some of us have such a problem with those words sticking with us.

Anyway, it is recoverable.

I suggest making simple deals, like I won't say anything about X again and you won't do Y again, and stick to it. Really you are trying to get to figuring out what behavior your partner really doesn't like and swearing off it for good (I mean both of you). In time and it takes time, the trust can be rebuilt anew.

Been there and done that too.

I imagine your husband is feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, and I know for me that takes a long time to get over.

I remember minor things I did wrong years and years ago, and if they pop into my memory, I STILL feel horrible - guilty and embarrassed - about what I said or did. A few months ago, I had a meltdown and said some things I shouldn't have to someone and still wonder if it changed our relationship forever.

I know that I would need lots and lots and lots of affirmation to know that I am not going to be discarded by someone when I've done something wrong.

So many of Aspies have lost friends and significant others, and many times we don't even know why. How much worse it is when we KNOW we completely screwed up and the other person has more than enough reason to ditch us.

If I knew how to help you, I'd help myself.

We're in the same mess. Almost a decade ago, Hubby lost it, said some very hurtful things, and made dire threats he didn't mean-- he just wanted to get control of the situation and get my attention.

Well, HE GOT IT. Has had it ever since. We can't put those words back, cannot put back the fact that I restructured my thinking, my being, and my entire life around them, can't change the fact that, every time I try to rebuild that structure, those words that he never meant in the first place reverberate in my head and heart and tear me apart.

It is now part of our reality that, if I mess up and "act autistic," he will leave me and use the fact of my diagnosis to take the kids. I can't have friends-- the mere thought of forming more than a casual acquaintanceship with the parents of my kids' friends causes extreme physiological distress-- because if I make a friend who gets too much of my time and energy, he will leave me and take the kids. The friendships I had prior to that time must not intrude on the marriage even so far as "calling up while he is at home," because I'm a nervous wreck for days if it happens. It is part of our reality that, if it looks like the depression and anxiety that come from having to hide the autism are getting out of control, he will leave me and use the fact of my diagnosis to take the kids. Those things, whether they are true or not, are part of our reality every single waking moment.

We can have good times around that reality. We can still laugh and smile, play games, hang out, take vacations, parent children, have sex. I have to make everything revolve around his whims and his satisfaction; if I don't, I have serial panic attacks. If he sees that I really need some down time, he has to order me to take it. If he sees that I want to do something, he has to give me permission to do it-- and has to tell me to what degree, how much time and money I may spend on it, et cetera et cetera ad nauseam. Because, if he doesn't, I get sick.

He hates it, but I can't fix it. To attempt to go back to being an autonomous creature within the bounds of the marriage relationship is too terrifying-- if I take that risk, it will all happen again, and that prospect is much more terrifying than any degree of stress or resentment under which I could live.

Maybe its best if you compliment him more than you normally would, and never even mention the things he feels guilty about. Might help him see that you still love him. If he thinks the glass is half-empty, fill the glass up

Thanks guys...

It's weird because we do get along really well still, when we're not talking about these things. I enjoy his company and he appears to enjoy mine (and he can talk to me without too much anxiety, which he can't with any else), but then he will suddenly clam up when he remembers I don't like him, and then he's embarrassed that he ever did that because I guess he thinks I'm judging him and secretly really annoyed that he's being friendly with me... but what's weird is that's the total opposite of how I feel: I like him much better when he's relaxed.

Em tsuj- we actually have a marriage counsellor, but he never says anything to her (literally nothing) so it's just me and her talking which is not very effective (plus we haven't gone in ages). He has social anxiety with pretty much everyone, but he really struggles with the "mechanics" of group conversations also, so even if he wasn't anxious, he doesn't know how to time joining the conversation if there is more than one other person, so I'm not sure if that will ever work, even if his anxiety is reduced. He has a psychologist for his anxiety specifically, who he gave permission to talk to me about some things they've discussed previously, so I'm kind of working with him on my marriage, but I speak to him separately.

BuyerBeware- that's so sad. I don't think I could handle that for a decade, honestly. I don't know what I will do though if this really does stay like this forever.. (No judgement towards your relationship- just thinking how it would apply here).

FireyInspiration- I have been, but one of his pet peeves is being complimented in excess, because he feels it's condescending. I understand that completely so I want to make sure my compliments are actually really meaningful. I read a book about panic attacks, and one of the suggestions was to tell the person that you're proud of them for staying so calm, and I just don't think that would work for him, because staying calm is the baseline expectation- not staying calm is not meeting the expectation. You shouldn't get complimented for just doing what you're supposed to do... but then for him it IS a big deal, so I'm not really sure about that.