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but it's been so bastardized by tumblrinas so much
Even parents of autistics are considered ableist now because they are not radically neurodivergent. All of them, except if the parent themself is (or diagnosed themself as) autism spectrum. Ableism isn't taken seriously now because of the reason you put so perfectly into words.
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It's absolutely ableism when neurotypicals tell autistics how to identify themselves. It's very condescending when they say they know better than us what we find offensive. I'd recommend a scathing response to that. I hate person-first language with a passion.
I once encountered a special-needs volunteer who was so against the term autistic(s) that she made an effort never to use the word, even when it was the only grammatically appropriate word.
Compare "Arabella has autism, and she drives a Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG" and "Arabella is autistic, and she drives a Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG". Grammatically, it makes no difference. The word to describe Arabella which should be used is determined by Arabella herself.
Now compare "We're going to the mall in that guy with autism's Mercedes" and "We're going to the mall in that autistic guy's Mercedes". The former sentence implies that a group of friends are off to the mall inside a man, who has a Mercedes belonging to autism. The latter implies that a group of friends are off to the mall inside a Mercedes, owned by an autistic man. Which makes more sense?
I don't really mind it being used to describe me but there are times when it is absolutely necessary to say autistic.