Advice for early stages of dating an aspie? (I'm NT)

Post Reply New Topic

Hey, guys. My name is Chris and I work as a developmental therapist with people with developmental disabilities, and I'm a NT. One of the individuals I work with is heavily involved in Special Olympics (soccer) and I frequently attend practices to lend support as well as to help out. I noticed one of his teammates at one of the first practices and was immediately struck by how cute he was. I assumed that he was one of the coaches by how instructive he was with the other players (and just by how high-functioning he was in general), but later was told that he was an aspie and played on the team because of his struggle with the rough touching in soccer. I started conversations with him a few times and we seemed to have a natural chemistry and a few similar interests, so I invited him to see a concert with me. We are going in a couple of days, but I am a bit unsure of how to handle the event. I know aspies struggle with subtleties in communication, so I'm assuming he hasn't picked up on the fact that I was asking him for a date because I wasn't explicit at all (and really just wanted to get to know him as a friend first, anyway). Any tips on how to address this? I know I should be direct, but it is awkward and the gay aspect makes it even more difficult.

Another thing...I thought aspies couldn't participate in Special Olympics? He drives and seems very high-functioning and, when telling me about his participation, said he didn't "have much of a learning disability" but was just bothered by the rough touching of the mainstream teams that he played on. I just wonder if he may have an intellectual disability that would very much complicate chances of a deep relationship forming. But part of the diagnosis of aspergers requires average or above-average IQ, so his participation confuses me.

I guess I'm being hard on myself. I have formed strong friendships with autistic clients I work with, but I am nervous about taking the steps to building a foundation for a romantic relationship with an aspie. And not because of his social inhibitions, but because of how ambiguous I can be. I'm quite opposite of someone who is very black-and-white in that I'm very sarcastic and interpretive, if that makes sense? Ok, I'll stop ranting. I appreciate any feedback from you guys! Looking forward to getting to know you all.

There's a ton of information for you to study on this site.

As a decent general place to start, I will tell you that you should communicate with him very directly and very literally. Feed him very raw, straight, honest information. Don't talk to him like you would talk to an NT. It may be difficult for you at first to communicate so openly and honestly. Many people would say that they already do communicate like this, but they do not.
He will most likely appreciate this greatly, even if he doesn't say so.

Another thing is that he's likely to be much more at ease if you do things with him that do not involve other people, and especially not crowds, strangers, or excessive stimulation like sounds & flashing lights.

Don't expect him to pick up on hints, body language, inflection in voice, or added layers of conception in communications.

If you ask him questions, make sure that you are prepared to handle the truth delivered in a straightforward manner, and don't assume the truth is given with the intent to hurt you in any way.

Thanks for the reply!

I was concerned about inviting him to a concert because of the possible over-stimulation, but he said he loves music and going to shows, so it should be okay. We are planning to spend time by ourselves before this to talk a bit as well.

I've had a lot of practice in being more direct with my job working with people with DDs, but it's hard for someone as sarcastic as me to perpetually change! :p

You have to have an intellectual disability or "related developmental delay" to be in the Special Olympics. It's possible they let this guy play on the team at practices but he doesn't actually play in the Special Olympics. It's supposed to be about building community, after all.

I know for a fact that he played on the team that went to the national Special Olympics (and won the gold) and he is diagnosed with aspergers. He is pretty amazing at soccer as well...I don't get it. Maybe they made an exception for him because of his problem with contact?

I hope you make an exception to avoid touching. I don't recommend trying to be anything but his friend until he makes a move. I have been mistaken as gay, because of my teeth/smile, and I would freak out in this kind of situation.

As the adage goes, "If you've met one aspie, you've met one aspie."

Assuming you do start dating or forming a romantic relationship, my advice would be to learn about his specific quirks. He may not have problems with going to concerts but perhaps he is hypersensitive to other types of stimuli. You will just have to get to know him as an individual in order to discover these things. It takes time and patience. Just be yourself and keep your eyes and ears open.

Best wishes!

Oh, of course. He went out of his way to say that he was okay with things like handshakes and hugs, but I always let him initiate them.

It's possible. It's something NTs would probably classify as abnormal, after all. Why don't you just ask? "How did you get involved in the Special Olympics?"

Autism is enough to get on the team. Aspies don't usually play on special olympics teams because they can get onto regular ones okay, but remember what the Special Olympics is there for! It's meant to make athletics open to people with mental disabilities, so they can participate in sports too. If this particular Aspie can't participate in regular athletics, then the Special Olympics team sounds like a pretty decent place for him. I mean, what are they going to do, say, "Hey, you're not disabled enough; you can't play with us, even though you're too disabled to play on a normal team"? That'd just be a jerk move.

IMO, I think the first thing to do is make sure he's actually gay or bi, otherwise you'll be setting yourself up for a lot of awkwardness if he's not even attracted to your gender and you try to make a move. If he's not, don't give up on that friendship. If you think he's a cool guy, why not make friends, introduce him to your friends, etc.? You don't necessarily have to date.

Best way to communicate with an Aspie or other highly-verbal autistic: Use words. They're precise, and we don't have to try to figure out what's behind all that body language.

Thanks again for the advice, everyone! I'm excited to see how things go.

Yeah, you're basically going to have to tell him you're gay and attracted to him. Otherwise, he probably won't catch on that he's dating you. Awkward!

[quote="YippySkippy"]Yeah, you're basically going to have to tell him you're gay and attracted to him. Otherwise, he probably won't catch on that he's dating you. Awkward![/quote

Very.

Are you sure he's gay?

I've often been mistaken for gay, I've been told I come across a little swishy, but I'm solidly hetero.

I was at a party a friend of mine had last year (the last party I've been to, the first in many moons) I was enjoying myself and chatting with people about potato chips and National Parks (special interests). I was having a good conversation with one guy and I told him I rode the bus to get there that evening, he offered to drive me home since it was on his way, so sure, why not.

We continued to chat while driving, when he dropped me off, he hugged me then tried to kiss me.

I was stunned, and quickly went inside.

I don't know the best way to broach the subject, but being up front but not blunt helps. It's probably good that you are going "as friends" first with some time to get to know each other beforehand.

Good luck.