Sons anxiety, my cancer journey

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Hi there,
Looking for some advice/suggestions.
In April this year I had a masectomy for breast cancer, and am now thankfully all clear. Have ongoing meds, but otherwise ok. Very fortunate.

I was scheduled to have reconstructive surgery 2 days ago, but unfortunately it was cancelled, and rescheduled for 5 th December.
The last few weeks have been absolute hell for my AS son and I.
He has had enormous anxiety about the operation , which has presented as diarrhea, school refusal, not eating at school if he does go to school, and seperation anxiety.
We spent soo much time arranging and explaining transport for him for school(I won't be able to drive for 4 weeks) and karate, and now all that work was for nothing.
I am worried about the next few weeks as again we prepare for the operation scheduled for December. I dont know how to deal with it, the constant anxiety, school refusal, diarrhea, food issues, it's really stressful.
I am also stressed because of the delay.
Any advice would be apreciated.
Thanks,
Vertical mum.

I am sorry. I understand why this would be really stressful. I understand why this idea might be more stressful for you as I do not know all the details; but would the school let him school remotely from home, and if so, could he manage to be at home during the day?

Edited to add: I know if this is even possible, that this will not help with much, but I was thinking getting the school refusal issue off the table might help a little.

Thank you for your suggestion ASDmommyASDkid.
I'm thinking that maybe he can go to school a couple of days a week, and stay home a couple. I am an ASD mum like you, and am a sole parent too. So, it's a bit intense sometimes.

He is still having toilet issues, so I am not going to send him back till that has settled. So maybe if I say to him he only has to go half the time to school , it might take enough pressure off to stop the anxiety affecting him so much...........doctor has suggested ssri meds, but I'm not sure.
Thanks again for your suggestion.
Vertical mum.

Ugh, that's got to be murder for both of you. I empathize and sympathize.

I don't know if there's anything that CAN fix it. You are the sole parent; that basically means that you are the sun and the moon, the stars in the nighttime sky, and the earth beneath his feet. In his world, if something were to happen to you, THE WORLD WOULD NOT GO ON.

My mom died of cancer when I was 11; somewhere around 16 or 17, my dad had to have hernia surgery. Yeah, suffice it to say that I turned into a complete and total f*****g basket case for about 6 weeks. I don't know how that was for him on the inside; on the outside he had it all together. On the outside he gave lots of hugs and we went over the "worst-case scenario backup plan" 700,000,000 times, with reassurances liberally applied. On the inside, he probably wanted to wring my neck.

That's about all I can advise: Keep on keeping on, with liberal amounts of love and compassion (for both of you, because you completely and totally cannot either be blamed for being *ahem* a leeeeeeetle short in the patience department right now.

I didn't see it in the OP and don't offhand remember. How old is your dude??

Hi BuyerBeware,
Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you lost your mum so young, that would have been tough. And yes you are right, I am everything, his only support, his world.
He has not seen his father for 3 yrs, and so I am it.

I'm not thinking there is not much we can do either except just what you said, heaps of love.

In Australia , it is all most the end of the school year, so, I'm going to keep him home as much as my sanity allows.....lol.......little dude is 9 yrs old.
Thank you for understanding, it helps to know other opinions, I am just a little short on patience right now, your right!!
So a combination of both replied suggestions, less school for son, and heaps of love and compassion for both of us.
Not sure everyone will be happy with this (teacher, relatives) but in the end, I am the one who has to deal with the fall out at the end of the day........so I am making the decisions.
Thanks again for the support.
Vertical mum.

Have you talked with him much about it? Sometimes just venting feelings can help. And if he doesn't know what his feelings are (he might not), social stories and similar might help; try creating fictional characters and putting them in similar situations, and see if he can identify what the characters might be feeling.

One thing I've noticed on these forums is that ASD individuals are surprisingly affected by visual changes in their family members. So in addition to the obvious changes that will be difficult for him (not having you home, et al), he may also be worried about how you will look. Just something to think about.

I wanted to say congrats on beating cancer, I am so sorry that you both have to go through this. Everyone had really great ideas. The only thing else I could think of is perhaps give him tasks to do. My son loves having jobs and I have noticed if he is anxious about something if I give him a job to do, it makes him feel like he has more control. I don't know your guy is the same way, but if he is it might help. It also might help you if he is doing something helpful instead of under foot all stressed while you are trying to heal.

I wish you a speedy recovery.

hi DW_a_mom, sorry for the delay in replying. I have talked to him a lot and so has his teacher and the school psyc, all he keeps saying is that he is scared, and no matter what we do, its not helping his anxiety. So I have an appointment with his pead tomorrow. hopefully he will have some suggestions. Medication most likely, so Im not sure how I feel about that, and Im not sure we have any other option at this time.

Hi setai, thank you. I am hopeful the cancer has gone for good. Yes I have followed your suggestion, and even the simple task of making me a cup of coffee has helped, he has also helped in the garden, so that works. School is still a MAJOR problem, head aches, tummy problems, all that seem to disappear on the week end.........
anyway, I have not let him know my operation date, and we are seeing the pead tomorrow. So fingers crossed. Even if we have to go down the medication path, maybe it might be the solution for a couple of months while we get through this.

Thanks for your support.
verticalmum.