Somewhere I belong...

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I'm a new member and just recently realised that I may have autism or a related pdd. the thing that made me realise this was the fact that everywhere I go, I tend to get the same reactions out of people. They tend to talk to me as though they were afraid of me. I am told that I have no emotions and that I don't smile. The thing is i don't really know how else i should react to people. I tend to think of myself as some sort of blank- almost as though something is missing in me which would allow me to interact with people.
Some of my friends actually describe me as being "strange" even though I don't feel like i'm behaving in a strange manner. A lot of people also don't greet me because they say that I am moody which completely confuses me. It is realy hard being the only one who sees things the way I do because nobody else can understand. the thing is even if you go to a psychiatrist he will be an ordinary person who wil not be able to see the world as you do. I've basically spent my entire life being told and also believing that I was different. my parents told me that i was what you would call a perfect child since I wouldn't cry a lot and therefore didn't demand as much from them as my siblings did.

I am now studying at a university. The past four years have been the most difficult of my entire life. the thing is your university years are supposed to be fun, where you meet new people etc.. but for me they have been a nightmare. The thing is I feel as though I should socialise with people but when I do I feel left out. I've even tried twice to find a girlfreind but each time it ends in disaster. Both girls basically told me that they had absolutely no idea that I was interested in them even though for me it felt as though I was showing them the right signals . I guess it goes back to the fact that normal people can't "read" us. it's qoute frustrating when especially in the type of environment that the university is.
I kinda feel as though I am the only one who sees things this way. You kinda tend to feel alone even though all you want is to be left alone. It's a paradoxical concept that people just cant get. Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

First of all, welcome

I know exactly what you mean. People often think I look angry, while I feel that I just look "neutral". I don't smile a lot. People sometimes act in a way I don't get, meaning that I must have done something wrong, but I don't know what.

Ok, I'm not being a great help here, but I just want to let you know that you are not alone
I think a lot of aspies feel like you, wanting to socialize, but not being able to.

Glad you found Wrong Planet,I think it will give you some insights into what is going on.

My experience with college was very similar and very lonely.I would recommend you try and find a psych professional in your area that knows about AS.Not necessarily to get a DX but just to have some one who understands where you are coming from.

Thanx guys oyur comments are really appreciated. i finally feel as though i've found a group of people who may actually understand me!

It's been 7 days now that I know I am ''strange''

-your description fits me to a tea - yep no crying 'aparently'

-my grilfirend always said, why don't you love me? -when in effect she was a what I would know describe to be a bit Autistic too - except she went the 'other' way with her autisitc traits (the extrovert)

-uni - people couldn't get used to my 'eccentricity'


---But now that I am at Wrong Planet -- I am starting to realise.... maybe it's not the Autistics that have the problem ... I have met many a people that 'understand' or are able to interact on par with me.....the people that have the problem are the ones that never learnt anything 'subtle' about thier environment,, they are more bemussed about being happy and ignorant and feeling thier way through the world .... It's not us it's they that have the problem.(It's also a good philosophy, to keep you sane amongst the ignorant NT's of the world, they may of had control upto our evolution till now, but give it time us Aspies will take over soon!)

University wasn't fun for me either. I made a few abortive attempts to get involved in the social scene over the years, but you know you're socially ret*d when even the Wargaming/Roleplaying Society doesn't want you I ended up just not talking to anybody, and I mean to the extent of keeping a 50 yard radius of empty space around me at all times when not in class. One girl in one of my classes kept going out of her way to talk to me during the last year; evidently she wanted to be a friend, but there are times when I'm able to interact and times when I just can't face it, and I never did come up with a way to explain this to acquaintances even when I was much younger, so this time, knowing that it never ends well, I didn't even try. Of course we soon fell out of touch.

I recall just five events over the three years to which I was personally invited (a halloween party, a roleplaying game and three club socials), and I fled all of them well before the end and sometimes only a few minutes into it, pleading ill-health. Truthfully it was just the nearness of so many PEOPLE that I found so stressful and difficult to cope with. To an NT, it would've been a treat, great fun to hang out and crack jokes and play a silly game; I viewed it with absolute dread, but went hoping that if I threw myself into it somehow I'd end up normal. If anyone remembers that game show Gladiator, there was an event where the contestant had to stand on a high platform and be beaten around the head with a foam-padded stick until they fell off... that's how these events always felt for me. And I tended to fall off quickly.

AS is a paradox: feeling lonely, but not being able to tolerate the presence of people. You both desire and abhor. What bugs me is that if I'd known then what I know now, I might have been able to do something about it. I might've been able to say to that girl "Hey, I'm autistic, do you know what that is?" and then explain why I'm the way I am and just because I don't smile doesn't mean I don't want to be friends. I just thought the misery, loneliness and isolation was my own fault, because I was weak. I discovered AS one year too late.

welcome!

i know exactly what you mean by every word you said... my mom's even told me several times how enjoyable it was for her and dad to be able to take me out to restaraunts when i was a baby, cause i never cried.

college is hard and i still have hope that it'll be better when i'm done

WP helps INFINITELY

welcome to WrongPlanet!...gee, welcome home! can relate to everything you voiced. keep on keeping on; everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that doesn't make their opinion superior over yours. you will find a lot of support and rapport here along with a lot of fun, cool people, like yourself!