Help! Finding autistic friends for my son...

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I have been trying to find friends for my son that have similar interests and are more like him. I have seen how well he gets along with such kids and how both my son and the other kids have a wonderful time, the problem? The PARENTS!! ! My son is only 13, therefore the friends I find are mostly involved in some type of "autism support group". The problem is that the parents are so darn negative about autism, autistics and anything that is "different" that even when they see how relaxed their kids are, how different they are when their kids are with my son, etc. they seem to constantly talk about all the negative stuff about autism. My son has very high self-esteem as I homeschool him and I have always ensured that he works on what is harder for him, while praising his uniqueness. These parents just will NOT let go of the constant negative autism talk even while at a party at my house, when out, etc.

One of the parents, the PRESIDENT of the autism group here I believe is an incredibly cruel and ME ME ME poor ME parent. We went out once and she said something wrong in English and my son said to her "no, you say it like this"?Of course, I told my son that he should not walk around correcting people, but that is just how he is. This PARENT, PRESIDENT of the autism group, instead of "letting it go" or anything else, said to my son "really? Well, I don't care because you only speak English and I speak both Spanish and English better than YOU!" I almost LOST IT!! ! She KNOWS my son takes speech therapy. How can someone representing kids with autism be so cruel to a 13 year old with speech problems?

Last weekend I had a Halloween party for the kids. All the kids were having a WONDERFUL time just being themselves. My son was so very happy. Even some parents commented that it had been a LONG time since they were so relaxed and smiled and that it was amazing to see the kids all play together. What did they later do? I had YouTube videos playing on the TV for the kids (all Halloween kid videos)?sure enough, one mother started asking that I play an "autism funny video she had". It was a "funny video one of the moms had made about having to deal with autism and her kid". I did NOT want to play it but all the parents insisted they wanted to see it. Thankfully most of the kids were in the bedrooms playing, but it still drove ME nuts!

I continue to look for kids that are more like him, have the same interests, etc. however, at this age it is extremely hard to do so through the autism groups because well, since they are minors all the parents are still in this BS "poor me, life with autism is horrible" way of thinking.

Please help. I feel I am out of options to help my son find friends who understand him.

I think the issue is expectations. You are expecting/wanting the group to be only for the kids' benefit, while the other moms are wanting it to double as a support group for themselves. There's nothing wrong with your wants or their wants, it's just important to be aware of the difference. That said, I can definitely understand that it can be annoying to be surrounded by Debbie Downers. At least your kid is having a good time, though.

I have to give you a lot of credit for putting up with that for the sake of your child's social life. I don't think I could. I have enough trouble with social situations as it is. I know it is probably like finding a needle in a haystack, but maybe there is someone else in one of these gatherings who is not so vocal (and therefore maybe not in agreement but is playing along) you could tolerate and set up one-on ones with. People act differently in a large group and it brings out the worst in some kinds of people. If you had a one-on-one playdate with a parent who was on the mild side of this you might get some less atrocious behavior in that setting.

I know that this suggestion is a long shot, but the founders of my local Asperger's Syndrome (AS) group include the AS father of their AS son. The meetings are at a neighborhood library, so the son collects about a dozen books to read while we have our meeting, and sometimes joins in the discussion if the topic is interesting to him. The parents are completely supportive of their son's differences because the father experiences the same things.

My suggestion is that maybe a support group (or MeetUp group) in your community might include the AS parent(s) of their AS children. I bet you would hit it off with some of them. And, who knows, your son might have a better time with their AS children!

As for the parent/president of your current support group, I would talk to your son and the parent/president seperately. Explain to your son that, while you and he might disagree with the parent/president, it is probably better to keep your comments to yourselves and still try to enjoy the group meetings. And, explain to the parent/president that you disagree with the few disagreeable parts of her behavior, and wish that she would make any comments about your son to you, and not him.

Meanwhile, check out some other options. There are a lot of AS parents with AS children who aren't as demanding.

Good luck!

I understand. I come here because I really don't like the super negative and martyr aspect of many autism support groups. Unfortunately, the parents come along w the kids. Have you tried to find groups that are around his special interest. I don't know your son, but from what you described of him, he could handle being around some NT kids in a structured way. If you are lucky, maybe his special interest is nerdy enough that there will be other spectrum kids in it too, or just NT quirky(like me) that it won't be an issue.

Other option is try to find ways to do things w the other kids in the support group that minimize exposure with the parents. Something really activity based, so everyone can focus on what is happening and not how much of a jerk the other parents can be.

I personally would evaluate how much you and your son are getting out of this group. I have a really low tolerance for people like that president. I have come to realize many of the parents, including my own husband, are also on the spectrum but often undiagnosed. Sometimes that makes for mini grown up melt downs, insensitive comments and not too comfortable social interactions. For the most part that is ok, but if the negativity or as in your case the insensitivity is directed at my or someone else's kid, it just isn't the place for me unless my son is really getting something very valuable out of it.

Helping our child navigate this world is hard enough without the people who you are supposed to be getting support from to be demoralizing you and your son.

A big part of low outcomes for autistic kids is probably negativity of parents and their negative influence on their children.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I knew that I would get some great input in this group.

I have tried to meet up with a few of the parents and their kids one-on-one to minimize the whole "drama", however, it seems that although they are happy when we go out alone, the PRESIDENT continues to push for a group and because they have known her longer have more loyalty to her. I am not trying to destroy the group by any means, I just want our kids to have a good time. I feel they get enough negativity on a day to day basis and every couple of weeks of just being happy is not much to ask.

Thanks again!

btbnnyr I agree 100%. The more negative the parents are, the less "functioning" the kids seem to be?although of course the parents claim to be more negative because the kids are "worse"?I don't believe it.

Do they ever kind of compete over whose child is lower functioning and who has it worse?

How do you arrange to see the other moms individually? If you're not doing it in front of the group, then how does el presidente know, and how the heck does she figure it's any of her business? She sounds like a super insecure alpha female. Bleh.
She's not the queen of recess.

ASDMommyASDKid yes, you are correct. The president's child is lower functioning and yet she was the first person we began to have one on ones with. Sadly, no matter what my son tried and their child tried to do to communicate and socialize, she continuously shut them down. She did so by constantly telling her child to NOT talk about X (their special interest), although my son was actively listening and even told her "it's ok, that's what they like?I like hearing about it". After many outings (I mean close to 10) of the president constantly shooting down anything my son and her child discussed or wanted to do, we began attempting one-on-ones with other. At that point the president constantly talks about "those higher functioning kids exclude the ones that are lower functioning". Of course, not true, it is her constantly telling her kid and the others what to do and not do, what they can't and can't do, what they can and can't talk about?and no, that is NOT how I parent my child. At the point I noticed my son was instead of attempting to socialize, he began "closing in", I stopped those one-on-ones.

PS No, I have never really heard them talk about who has it worse, yet they do constantly talk about the negative stuff and therapies and this and that and I have yet to hear something truly positive about their kids.

YippySkippy Because most of these parents are in the group, we are friends on Facebook, etc. and when we go out, many times the parents will post either a pic of our kids hanging out and smiling or something about "went out with such and such and kiddo had such a great time! Life is good!" and well, she sees it. So sure enough, soon enough, a post comes back or in a sports team some of us go to, she ends up talking or posting something about how "some people continue to exclude the lower functioning kids".

I actually don't post a thing about where I go with others, etc. but I also don't feel that everyone should have to hide from her. For some of these kids and even the PARENTS, it is a JOY to post a picture of their kid hanging out with friends and having fun as OUTSIDE of these meet ups, their kids really have NO friends or social life.

PS yes, all of these meet ups are IN ADDITION to anything else, not instead of.

ASDMommyASDKid you are correct. I am still somewhat trying to figure things out as my son truly likes some of these kids and they have such a good time together. It is hard enough for our kids to make friends and thus while I continue to look outside of this group, I can't just take his friends away.

Note that there are really no major meet ups from this group EXCEPT to 1. discuss all the therapies for autism 2. private parties the president has in which the parents hang out and the kids just each do their own thing?heck, her child usually goes to their room and goes to sleep and nothing else. So at these "private parties" they get zero socialization anyway. The only real quality socialization they seem to get is with these one-on-ones or the party I threw at my house where their special interests were welcomed.

YippySkippy By the way, I actually thought the group was to support both the kids and the parents as that is what is being promoted. The group supports the kids ONCE a year in a summer camp, the rest of the time, it is ONLY about the parents and their suffering or therapies, nothing else.

My advice is to continue to have your playdates with whomever you want, and ignore the whinging president. It sounds like she's digging her own grave with that group, anyway. I'm sure the parents who are posting photos on Facebook don't appreciate her complaints any more than you do.
If it were me, I'd skip her "private meetings" as well. Make sure you have the personal contact info of all the parents you like, that way if she kicks you out of her little club it makes no difference.