My lack of success isn't anyone else's fault.

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Having been here a while, and listened to some very similar themes, churning over and over a in macerated mess of bile and vitriol, I thought I redress the balance a bit.

It is getting a bit old, people blaming other people for their problems. I used to think this way for a time, but then I realized it was silly, becuase I don't have the moral high ground over anyone, nobody is selfless. In doing so, it actually made me more content and less frustrated. Resentment is not attractive, you only torment yourself, and so is a waste of mental energy.

My lack of success is for a variety of reasons, partly becuase I was clueless for a long time, but also I have always kept people at arms length (even my closest friends), this helps me cope better, with plenty of down time. I'm someone who gets a lot out of a little, and too much is too much.

So I have held back over the years, not taken opportunities, becuase I'm not sure I can offer people what they want, and not compromise the lifestyle, which I have found necessary for sanity. I'm pretty stable and reasonably happy, it wasn't always that way, and this is down to lifestyle changes. I'm also not looking for your standard relationship with that kind of dependence, and have radical positions on conventions like marriage.

I would not say it is constant expectation to be in a romantic relationship in my case, but reality is there is subtle, but effective expectation placed on me by some people. I can survive without one technically, but can't lie it would be nice. BUT...only if it is conducive with a low dependency, low maintenance, once or twice a week interaction.

I wonder what people think of this, how realistic is it?

I find average people quite needy, so an actual needy person is like an antithesis to me. I really don't get people who can't spend an hour, day, or week without missing their significant other. I'd almost feel sorry for them. They do have a I hard time understanding people who do not think like this, but I can't blame them for it.

^I miss close friends and family members after not seeing them for a day....so to me it would be weird if I had a significant other not to miss them after a day. Now I wouldn't obsess over it, just acknowledge I miss them and figure out a time to get together at some point and then get on with other stuff....like listening to music.

What I don't get is people who cannot take a week away from someone who they see quite often. I don't get what the problem is. I'm not criticizing them, I just don't relate that much.

Also I think there is a social aspect to these professions, there is a guy I know who is constantly going on about about missing his girlfriend, and he sees her quite often.

I also really don't get the need to constantly take about "the wife", which is common among men in the UK. Not all that complementary, but regardless I have no interest in knowing.

Wise duck indeed, good post.

I think again your are moralizing, not really getting what I'm saying.

This topic probably deserves its own thread.

We don't want our loved one to die. Correct? Is this entirely selfless? No becuase, we depend on them, or we like them being around.

Love is not selfless either, each party get quite a bit out of it, form companionship to sex. You cannot say that is selfless. It is mutual satisfaction. If would be bad if only one party got something out of it.

If people who are charitable, literally get their rocks off to it, is not the point. By doing good deeds, they can feel they are doing soemthign good, they are fulfilling a need.

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BWT you can edit a quote, so you don't nest the previous quotes, and also to can trim it down (so long as you do misrepresent people), as to focus on key points.

I get what you're saying 0, I understand that you're not saying people are consciously doing it for selfish reasons, just that it has an effect on their pleasure centres, now, that's not to say that's the only reason, or the reason they do it at all, but it is a nice side effect for those people either way.

Anyway lets get back to he other points in the OP.

Yep, I understand. It's just a response, it's part of what makes us human, a social animal, if we got no reward we wouldn't necessarily do it. Same reason people who had less pleasure from sex died out, because there was little to no benefit to them. Humans getting rewards from doing nice things is a good thing, it means we'll do it more. It doesn't matter if it's selfish or not really.

I agree, I have had it up to here with people blaming others for their lack of success with people, yes, sometimes people can be cruel and misunderstand or not understand, however, we have to really analyse ourselves as well.

I used to be dreadful in relationships due to aspergers, I had no idea how to treat people and my parents weren't much help, so after my last failed relationship I went and researched and researched what makes a relationship successful, the pitfalls, how to be respectful, this covered a wide range of subjects, psychology, feminism, biology, philosophy, polyamory etc, all of these helped me a lot in understanding how to relationship effectively.

I'd like to help people but first thing they have to do is accept that it's not anyone's fault, however, they do need to change even if that's meeting someone half way.