My dad doesn't understand autism at all

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I just got a call from my dad about my daughter being sexually assaulted (I posted about this last week). He called me for an update and to see how things were going and how my AS daughter was handling it and when I said she had some acting out at home and some trouble at school - his advice was that she had to move on with her life, that there will always be people like this and it was a bad, but good life lesson for her. He said now she could learn about what she can do to stop people from abusing her next time. How she had to learn to communicate with me if I am to help her and be her friend.

I said really I had just learned to be more protective of her and he thought that was wrong, that I can't be with her 24/7 and am just a small part of her life.

I explained to him that she copes like a 2 year old with the interpersonal skills of a 4 year old, so I felt that it would take some time to get her to this point where she could recognize abuse, etc. He got all afronted that just because she has autism, that nothing could be done, how you can teach a 2 to 4 year old to watch when crossing the street. He seemed really insulted that I didn't find his advice helpful in the least and said he was just trying to lighten my load - yeah right.

It would be nice if people knew something about autism before they spouted off advice - I feel like the only people in the world who get it are on here.

It has only been a year since her diagnosis and I just wish my father would read a bit about aspergers and realize a tiny bit about what it is before he thinks he is qualified to give me advice.

Your daughter could be NT, and your father would have still said that.

I was raped by a teacher, in 1983. I was basically told to STFU and move on by everyone. I was 17, and back then the lines were iffy on what was a minor and being able to give consent blah..blah..blah.. I was told I would have all my dirty laundry hung out in court for no good reason. And I would probably lose.

This isn't about Autism, and more about his additude towards sexual assault. He doesn't see it at all like you do. I'm sure in his head, it's two kids "experimenting", and way back when, a girl getting assaulted was a shame on the whole family. It was where I lived. You did something bad to deserve --->that. Or you were a bad person and deserved ----->that.

I would only tell him stuff like court dates and such. When dad starts with his opinion, save your sanity and change the subject.

It's nice he called (I guess), too bad he gave more than his two cents worth.

*hugs*

This probably isn't what you want to hear, and obviously it will take time.

I think the most helpful thing you can teach her, is that it is ok to say no. As a female on the spectrum she's taught to accept, be nice. Being encouraged to have a voice and to say no when it's appropriate is underemphasized, and I think more support learning this with adults can make a huge difference not with the people who would assault her necessarily, though maybe, but with the vulnerability that comes from having no voice. I remember what that was like, and just how vulnerable I was, because of always needing to comply and it meant I didn't have the power to go to a teacher or adult and report the brewing problems. If she can be empowered to ask for help it may make a difference. A lot of assaults start with small things that if she's able to get help with, adults could sometimes prevent harassment getting worse and becoming assault. And if she isn't there yet, adults watching and giving her words can make her safer for when no one is there.

I am going to have to go with Tawaki, and based on what you wrote, I also think it has little if anything to do with AS.

It is easier for him emotionally if she moves on quickly. I don;t know how to advise you on how to handle it b/c interpersonal skills is not my strength and i don't know enough about your relationship with your dad. I personally, would stop talking to him about this, because it would upset me too much that he has made it all about how he feels instead of about what your daughter needs. Some people might advise explaining how you feel and maybe he will get it.

I am sorry, as if this whole thing is not awful enough...

I reread your original post when this happened. This was not your fault.

Last edited by Waterfalls on 14 Nov 2014, 8:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yup. Not that it's a congruent situation, but I just got a long e-mail from my MIL with a pasted-in article about cutting an autistic child's hair. DS has been diagnosed for 5 years now; we have managed haircuts just fine for many years now.

And I think, also, your Dad is suffering from being a product of rape culture on top of our ableist culture. Sometimes you just have to delete their emails and change the subject when they call.

I would agree with the group. This doesn't have to do w your daughters AS, but your Dad. Most people, esp men don't know how to handle sexual abuse. He would have said the same thing if she was NT. You didn't do anything wrong and neither did your daughter. He doesn't understand it and is trying to fix it in the male 1950's solution that most people have not gotten over.

I would just avoid the topic to save yourself pain and make sure he doesn't talk to your daughter about it, though I doubt he would.

Love her, get her therapy, get yourself therapy if you need it. Your daughter came to you, you are clearly doing a great job with her. Many girls would have hidden it. This is a horrible thing for both of you and I am sorry your Dad doesn't understand.

WTF. That's all I can say about that.

Thanks everyone - glad to know it is my dad's way of seeing things because of his age - he is 69 years old. And I am hoping to instill in my daughter about coming for help asap when she feels uncomfortable. It was so surprising to everyone that she hid it for two weeks because she is so vocal about everything when she doesn't like something. I guess this one she kept quiet about for a bit because she thought she was doing something wrong or we would think that.

Yeah. Ditto. Yes, your dad is old and that is little part of his attitude. But really it just proves how long our current rape culture has been building. The idea that the victim should just shut up and get over it is 100% a way of victim blaming and silencing. I remember your original post and it was triggering for me as an abuse victim - I'm so sorry your daughter has gone through this. No one should ever have to go through this.

Yes, he is being asinine. And yes, it is due to age and culture. It's always the girl's fault, right?? And if it isn't her fault, per se, then it's something awkward and uncomfortable that is best forgotten.

And yes, you are right-- at least for now, it's a big flashing neon sign that she needs more protection.

I have to give him 10% credit for good intentions, though-- There WILL always be people like that, and she WILL have to learn how to say NO to things that are unwanted and inappropriate. Because you CAN'T be there every minute, other parents DON'T always teach their kids to keep their dicks in their pants and their hands to themselves (or to not drink that, not smoke that, not drive like that, and not do that), and the public education system is a joke in so many ways. It fails NT kids on a regular basis-- never mind kids with special needs that are individual, invisible, and poorly understood.

A four-year-old can learn that "No one but my parents and my doctor are allowed to touch/see what my underwear covers, and I should raise holy screaming hell if someone tries." You will have to spell out every single situation in which, if she finds herself there, it is time to kick and scream and run away, but even a small child with limited processing skills can learn that.

Well, I hope so anyway. That's what I keep banging with my little ones. I have not yet had to test it.

That's one of those double-edged swords with kids in general and ASD kids in particular (and one that scares the living s**t out of me, to the point that I put up with a lot of lip and argument from my kids). We teach them to do what they're told, to be compliant and polite, to go along to get along and to not make a scene. But sometimes, there's a time to throw compliance and politeness right the f**k out the window (through the damn window if necessary). Sometimes, there is a time and place to make a scene. And that's one of them.

I'm sorry you're stuck dealing with this crap. Others are right-- no one should have to.

And it's easy for me to talk, but hard to do. I had all the teaching in the world...

...and when I was her age, "being a good girl" and what I thought "normal kids" were doing meant more to me than common sense, self-respect, and personal safety combined.

I will try to go through them on my next sleepless night and pick out some of the better ones. But in case you get there before I do, google "good touch bad touch" and start there. There are A LOT of abuse prevention lessons for little kids; given her emotional processing maturity, that's where I'd start.

And DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. This is not stuff that "normal" people feel comfortable going into with young kids. I can't tell you how many people thought I was hypervigilant, paranoid, nuts, and possible borderline abusive for going into with my kids (even if they were the same loonies who insist on teaching little girls to refer to their vagina as a "tweety bird" when they must refer to it at all).

I want to stress-- The fact that he does, very very sadly, have a point DOES NOT make what your dad said nice, or good, or cool, or even right. I don't blame you for being hurt and upset and angry. It's a bad attitude that needs to change, posthaste, in society in general.