From sapling to stump

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I'm in a rut. The rut has become me.

-age 20, soon to be 21 in a few months
-dropped out of high school at age 17 due to mental illness
-periods of not leaving the house for months due to agoraphobia and paranoia
-severe clinical depression
-started Prozac a few months ago
-no friends since age 15
-never had a girlfriend
-don't have my learner's permit and a driver's license seems pointless
-downtrodden about intelligence, which is IQ 120, but I have horrible working memory and executive
functions; learning things is rather difficult and frustrating
-feel hopeless, tired, defective, and ashamed
-unemployed and live at home
-cannot join the military to work in intelligence because of my history of mental illness
-refuse to ever consider working in the trades. No.

New developments: starting going out consistently to meetup.com gatherings to play board games and
whatnot. My mom dropped me off about 10 times in total. I cannot do reciprocal conversation, it's
hard to express myself, and my input is mostly intellectual observations about things or little snippets of interesting information and concepts. Feelings of isolation even among similar minds.

This is the logical progression that I've been stagnating at. It makes sense, but I'm struggling to care.

PRESENT -> Learner's permit -> practice driving and get GED -> community college (2 years German is a notable
thing I need) -> transfer to a proper university -> graduate with something employable at age 24-25 -> adult stuff -> die

I feel sad. I don't have much volition anymore. Getting my driver's license has no appeal, learning
German has no appeal, and being alive has no appeal. A potentially Asperger's girl showed interest in me and I had difficulty reciprocating. I was paralyzed by the reality of my circumstances, knowing what a buzzkill it will be once she gets to know me, and I struggled at reciprocal conversation. Even when she sat in front of me smiling and being interested, I could feel nothing but disappointment and shame about myself. My face turned into a thousand-yard-stare. That was it.

Perhaps some people just need one person of the opposite gender to show interest in them to cause existential things to coalesce? I need an incentive. The typical things that drive other people do not seem to appeal to me. Maybe I just need someone to care about and someone to care about me, but trying to convince myself that that will be a reality in the future is nigh impossible. It's the carrot in front of the donkey. Some people know what the carrot tastes like and they know a lot about the carrot. I've barely seen the carrot and I struggle to believe that the carrot even exists for me. Self-deception is not my area of expertise: I like evidence. This is a silly game of chance, but I only deal in certainties.

I'm more dead than alive; this is just an intermediate phase between life and death. Thanks for reading.

Welcome!

Sorry, that's all I got.

I know how you feel about life bieng boring, futile and pointless. The point of life is to get stimulation in the way you want it... just remember that everything is perfect in the end and that if it isn't perfect, it isn't the end. Life is about knowing that and being proud of knowing that.

I also felt the way you do before about the clamming up. I did the thousand-yard stare when I looked at my social worker sometimes. I love him so so much, as more than just a social worker. And I know it will be depressing when he shoots me down.

Finished and passed my GED. Last night after a social gathering I went for a multi-hour walk in the middle of the night, and I was depressed. A lot of unpleasant memories came back as I was walking and evaluating my life, so I started to cry--I didn't want to go home or anywhere anymore. Incentive has evaporated once more for me.

I was supposed to go for my learner's permit today, but I didn't. Suicide is not an option, however, I am tail-spinning again despite my best efforts to resurface. I do not mean to use arrogant melodrama, but all of this has been too much for me to bear. The fractures are starting to show and it frightens me. The idea of my life experiences somehow making me stronger is utter nonsense meant to self-deceive, and I struggle at self-deception.

I now excuse myself from all of life, which includes humanity and myself. Society owes me nothing, I owe nothing to society, and I owe nothing to myself. I'm so sorry.

Kruger