Suspected Aspie bf suddenly breaks up

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Hi all,

Wow it's been a while since I've last been on this forum. I've stopped going on here since I found out that my Asperger's diagnosis was likely a misdiagnosis and I started treating my correct diagnosis. Anyways, the knowledge of this wonderful community hasn't gone to waste. I had recently started dating this man in his early 20's (about two months ago) who seemed quirky in his own right: he had wanted to take two years off from studying pure math to suddenly study watchmaking, he admitted to me that he could not tell lies, he had trust issues, he would be obsessed with math, watchmaking, words and archery, he would sometimes be rude and callous towards other people, and in general, he did not seem to be on the same social wavelength as others. He would also admit to me that he sometimes just wants time alone and would lament when he could not get enough of it.

Anyways, my radar went off pretty early on in the relationship that he may possibly fit the traits of having Asperger's or some other kind of quirk (maybe all pure math guys are like this?). I didn't really care and just went with the flow; I would back off when he wanted his space, etc. He would also assure me that his quirks were not personal and that they occurred in his previous relationships as well, for example feeling non-romantic for weeks at a time. So I just left it at that.

But then last weekend, when we were in bed watching our favourite show together (Arrow, it's about an archer and he loves it), he abruptly told me that he doesn't love me and he never will. He does not feel attracted to me. He does not want to marry me. He could do the things that we do together with friends and still feel the same way. So, I was of course heartbroken and hurt. I was going through a tough time and wanted his support. I also have a history of depression, which he knows, so breaking up with me by saying that he will never love me sent me spiraling into a severe depressive episode.

I was in shock so I talked to his friends and mine, and they were just as surprised as I was... His friend says that he often goes through these phases of loving the world and everything in it to disdain for the world and everyone in it... So I talked to him a day later and asked him if he still felt the same way... He did... He says that it's not a phase and he was thinking about how he does not want to marry me for about a month now. He thinks that I should move on... He is also very stubborn and it's hard to change his mind so I believe him that this break up is for good.

His idea of love is that he will never imagine a life without the person. He could imagine a life without me. So... Well, I'm still struggling to understand why someone would break up so suddenly over a lack of idealized love. Is this common in people who display AS traits? Everything seemed so perfect and he said that he was happy with me. So I can't understand his decision. I'm also in no position now to change his mind due to him not bringing up any issues with our relationship and him showing me affection up to the very night that he broke up with me.

Sorry for the long rant. I hope I'm not offending anyone by going along with the assumption that he may have Aspergers... If I do, I am very sorry.

You only dated this man for two months. It's not surprising that he can imagine his life without you - he only has to think back 8 weeks.
As a general rule of thumb, you should be in an exclusive relationship for at least six months before you even mention marriage.

YippySkippy, I agree! I didn't even bring up marriage. He says that he was thinking about it a month ago when his friend brought it up. That was when he started deciding that he does not want to marry me... I don't understand because I've been in longer relationships before that word was even mentioned.

I asked him how he can be so sure that he will never love me in such a short amount of time and he says that it's because we spent so much time together and he is sure that his feelings will never change :/

Well, I think he's being a bit stupid. Not much you can do about it, though. You're probably better off letting him go.

Haha yes, that is true. Thanks.

He's not attracted to you.

Way to state the obvious? The thing is that he was this sweet man when we met, calling me beautiful and the most attractive woman at the party. He even gave me flowers at some point. But things changed drastically and I don't know why...

Well he also showed remorse over differences in our sex drives that night. He was worried that he would never be able to meet my needs. I tried to comfort him but I don't think I did it well because I was just so heartbroken over the break up... Also that's what triggered the sudden break up - I was trying to be affectionate.

The guy doesn't really understand what love and support is. There is something going on that isn't clicking. Something seems kinda selfish in his way of thinking as well based on what you're describing. Is he so worried that he can't please you, or more worried that he can't have his masculine ego fed by the difference in sex drive?

Sometimes people overthink thing and dismiss the obvious.

He may have been attracted to you before but eventually not anymore, anyway it's irrelevant to think when that changed.

Time.to.move.on.

Boo, this is moving on for me... I am trying to get some closure, not trying to win him back... Sorry for not being so heartless that I can't forget about him right away?

Anyways, I agree that something is not quite right... He may have been entirely selfish and if so then good riddance I guess...

Deltafunction, I can tell after a couple months of dating whether I can or can't marry somebody. And I believe that dragging a relationship on indefinitely isn't right if we're both going to end up with somebody else. So maybe he's just blunt and wants you to be with someone who can cherish you. I've done the same thing before, although it wasn't after a couple months, and in my case she dragged it off and on for another year before it finally ended. But I knew if I didn't end it, one of us would eventually. This guy is honest and brave enough to tell you its not going to work out. I tried to give her closure, but she didn't understand. There was a slight language barrier, but it was more that she didn't understand why I didn't want to be with her, and that she was immature. So, it was a different case. Anyway, breaking up can be difficult. Especially when by doing so you become the bad guy.

Hey Mindslave, thanks. I don't usually think about marriage that early on in a relationship... but I'm glad to know that someone else can understand his point of view. That helps.

I'll leave it alone for now and quit thinking about it.

hugs <sadfox>

I can empathize with you. In june my bf of 3 years one day decided he doesnt want to be with me in the almost exact way. It baffles me. I suspect him with Aspergers. After that incident i went on a research rampage. Im an RN so i kinda had a specific way of describing in google. he is some ocd too. we were just fine. never faught. i always knew when i met him on match . com he was quirky. but i dont judge and we fell in Love.
its as if they Panic. and base decisions on emotions. idk. i died that day. im 39 never married. expecting him to be the one. one day i began giving him info on my suspecting dx. he never looked away but put his wings around the idea. i think because he always knew something was off growing up. he grew up nerdy per say. to make this short he wishes to this day he could take all the mean things he said and did. he realized that i was special and he had to start living for himself and not his parents...i have accepted his quirks and never belittled him. he now wants to make sure i never go. we still have something off after the trauma i endured. i believe i dev ptsd from the sudden break up. im beginning to think for 100% he may be aspie. so. you are not alone. the trauma is awful. i hope you have peace now. you deserve peace.