I am in Hell?

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Hello. I'd like to talk about a few things. Firstly;


MarcusSolaris wrote:
First there were aspies that were socially confident and enjoyed gatherings. Then there were aspies that had great fashion sense. Now i discover that there are irrational aspies too.

I hate this stupid world.

That is a post I made in a thread. It was deleted by a mod. My question is, after all I have read about Autism and Aspergers Syndrome, why is it that the vast majority of people that purport to test positive for same, and whose posts I have read online, seem to contradict the primary characteristics of the condition in the way they express themselves?

Secondly, hi, I'm Marcus, and I'm new here. I don't know what I am, even if the psychological report I have specifies "Aspergers Syndrome". The author of the report also suspected a personality disorder, or disorders, and suggested that further investigation take place.

I had grandparents, but was not close to them. I had parents, but I was not close to them. I had siblings, but I was not close to them. My whole family was made up of individuals that were unable to form close relationships.

I did not know that my family life was so messed up because that is all I knew.

My life has been a series of horrible events. I have never known happiness. I suffer so greatly in so many different ways that I am not sure how much more I can survive.

Sorry, I'm really messed up write now...I'll return whenever I can to rewrite this post in order to express myself fully. You can reply in this thread to help me with this task, or to simply say hi.

Mmm, I don't see why the post was deleted. What was offensive about it?

Anyway, sorry you're in such a bad place. To be honest, my head is a bit messed up right now myself. I honestly cannot imagine a future at the moment, and life seems to and endless slog of meaningless movements. Welcome to the forum!

Hey Marcus and welcome

Like VegetableMan said, the content of your post seems acceptable, but if it's really bothering you, then you could PM a mod and ask for the reasoning.

Hi!

I just got back from Hell.

It wasn't as hot as I thought it would be.

I saw Icarus on his way back from the Sun; he realizes the futility of his Journey.

We're not cookie cuttered, but not always objective either.

Things can get better. Most of us weren't raised by the Cleaver's, and I wonder if most families can't relate to us period. For me, I never realized I had to explain my worldview or even form the descriptions for it. I still have a hard time translating my view to communicate it adequately.

Welcome, and I hope you find a better place one day. I'm not close to many, but everything's a learning experience.

During the first year of "Leave it to Beaver," the Cleavers actually made mistakes. It was actually a well-written program during the 1957-1958 year--even a bit quirky for its time. Maybe a bit like Dobie Gillis, in a way.

Marcus, I think your deleted post might have been misinterpreted as trolling bait. This is when someone makes a controversial claim with the intention of inviting contentious enraged responses. I don't think that was your intention, but mods have only the words to go on and no other context - these can be tricky judgment calls. Possibly they are currently over-reacting because quite recently a few trolls sneaked through unnoticed for a while and initially taken seriously, causing dissension. I am sure that wasn't your intention. It happens. Let it go.

Hi Marcus,
Regarding your second point, I wonder if maybe you are like me, I had an abusive and neglected childhood, couple of years with grandparents but they both died by the time I was five.
Children's home for a few years which was good but then back to my mother and her new husband to be stored alone in my room unless they fancied kicking me in the stomach etc etc.

I have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder which means I am unable to form close emotional relationships with people.
I also subscribe to the theory that such abuse and neglect in infants causes areas of the brain to not develop and other areas to over develop in compensation, resulting in the same end result as genetically inherited Aspergers.
(Though its hard to know for sure as my real Father quite fits the Aspie profile).

Fortunately, the past 20 years and particularly recent scientific investigation has shown that neuroplasticity - the forming of new brain cells, new pathways and new connections - is a whole of life process.

I too had a shocker of a childhood. My married university graduate parents abandoned me at 6 months of age to an orphanage so that they could pursue careers overseas. I was fostered twice and returned to the orphanage, then placed in a permanent family until I was 15 where I learned about every kind of abuse that adults can inflict on children. And I had unrecognised Aspergers. I was victimised at school and as an adolescent by predators. You can imagine... My only positives were a thirst for knowledge, an extraordinary memory, and academic intelligence. My late teens where heavily burdened with self-hate, despair, and the deadly psychological poison provided all my life up until then by my "family". That led me into addiction to bury the pain, which I eventually emerged from (with help from NA, thanks again NA).

It did take me a long time to recover, though I did recover, and have had very significant relationships, a professional career, a lot of international travel and lived in three other countries, a family (3 children, all have done well, two on the spectrum, the other married to a husband on the spectrum), and an interesting life, if not always a very happy one. I didn't miss anything, that's for sure.

Recovery took a lot of: time, validation, support, understanding, love. Most of all love - not the romantic kind, the agape kind. It was my soul that needed healing, and I was lucky to meet people who perceived that and showed me the road and the map, as well as bathing me in kindness and compassion. We can recover. I can't speak for everyone else obviously, but it is possible. I have seen so many "hopeless cases" in NA with appalling childhoods and devastating adulthoods recover and find lasting happiness. It gives me a faith in people and their extraordinary ability to surmount horror.

I came to realise that: after my childhood and adolescence, anything in the future, however bad would be better than that. Curiously, that gave me the spark of positivity that was the seed of healing. Hope is an essential factor, I think. I lost contact with it from time to time - especially when my seriously injured husband committed suicide rather than face life paralysed 25 years ago - though other people held the hope for me until I could possess and feel it again.

The important thing is to find and hang out with "tank fillers", not "tank emptiers" - the tf's who can love and inspire and bring out your best self, and want you to be happy. I owe my recovery very substantially to the tank fillers who filled me up when I was empty along the way.