Anyone hurting this much ? PLEASE help !

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Hello, please help me with what is going with my 17 years old son. He is really suffering and so are we as a famly. He is HFA and is a mainstreamed junior (with IEP). Due to serious challenges in language(articulation) and social communication, he has never had ANY friend in school or outside. Until a few years ago, he seemed to not care about it, but now with each passing day he is more miserable, and resentful. He cannot come to terms with his inability to fit in and is very aware of how he is different.

In school, all teachers report that he is kind and gentle, always smiling boy who tries his best at everything. At home, its a different story. Generally, he works on HW as soon as he gets home; then we head out for his activities. He plays squash, is a brown belt, and also volunteers at a couple of places. But inspite of all that, the social interactions with peers are non existant. After these activities, his days are very quiet and without any peer interaction (no phone calls, FBing etc.) He does play some video games and watches TV. He is also driving now.

Every 3rd /4th day, he comes home furious, refusing to talk. When I talk to him, what he says is the same everytime, that he is a dishonor, disgrace to the family, he should be abandoned and rejected. He says everyone would be better off if he is not around.He wants to be sent to jail forever, he wants us to find someone who can kill him, and also wants to burn in hell and be punished forever. He says everyone hates him and we should admit that we do too secretly. He says dozens of other very hurtfull things, all to the same effect. About 2-3 weeks its a huge meltdown, with a lot of crying /sobbing with smaller episodes evry few days. After a lot of explaining, comforting and cajoling, he apologises to us for being so angry and nasty. He slowly gets back to his usual self, only for the next couple of weeks to start the cycle again. I am emotionally drained dealing with this. I see him upset and want to just run away to avoid this all. I try to say all the right things, trust me, to make him feel wanted loved and remind him of the precious person he is and what not. It only works very temporarily, and does not stick; I am very tired. The therapy is not helping either, although the therapist is very good and takes genuine interest in his wellbeing. Is there anything we can do to help him with the extreme extreme worthlessness he feels ? I want to be around for him for long, but the stress, sleepless nights and emotional toll is making it hard for me to function. Please tell me what to do, any and all advice will be very much appreciated ...! !! Thanks, and Best to you

it sounds like he is coming down with severe depression, i went through the same thing for eight or nine years without realising it, people with austism are usually more vulnerable to depression and social anxiety, has he got a good relationship with the therapist? because thats what helped me, and remember with therapy clients emotions often get worse before better.

I was in many ways and still am alot like your son. Kind, gentle, trying my best, but I got rejected, time after time. And even in adulthood, when I thought that the conscious bullying and tormenting wouldn't be anymore a part of life, I've had to take alot of that too. I am in my thirties and during the couple last years adults that I have no personal relationship to, thought that my life is just a fun toy of theirs to play with, and broke me in many ways for good.

I feel your son has slowly internalized the feedback he gets, as I did unconsciously. To not to do it would be a miracle. That is the reason he doubts the love his family is giving him. If none loves me outside the family and I get continuosly rejected there, why would these people be any different? People might have also fooled him in ways that breaks the trust. For example people first wanted me to believe that they like me, and then they did something really hurtfull. The aim was to maximize the pain.

You start to ask, what is so hateable in me? I must be really defective? When in fact it is usually the one who gets all the s**t that is the purest. That is the reason they aim at him. Others are already dirty.

I understand your pain. You and the rest of the family are all he has. And so it might be for the rest of his life. My mother is dying of cancer and as it is, she really is all I have. I sense the pain of her knowing that I have none when she is gone. I try to be brave and so does she, but I kind of know...

So you love your son. Give him positive feedback also when he is not feeling down and asking for it. Make him feel he is loved as he is. Nurture sibling relationships. They might be the only age peers he ever has a relationship to. Courage him to find hobbies and interests. Maybe you could introduce an interest group? Maybe there is a an autism group for teens in your area?

You could work a bit like as a social mentor, who introduces him into social situations. When relatives come to visit, get him involved in some gentle way. For a HFA person it might be difficult to understand how to take part and get in. Also he might prefer to reject social situations to avoid getting rejected. Social protectors and mentors are very important.

You seem like a very loving mother. I believe if we people can even to some degree guard that light in us and thus in others that makes us kind, loving and gentle, we have made it. One day there will be one, who makes it through with the light still burning bright.

I hope you and your son all the best and good people on your way.

Last edited by VisInsita on 20 Nov 2014, 12:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think that first you need to try and put yourself in his shoes. It is very hard for NT's to do this since literally they have no possible frame of reference to do so. It's like you trying to imagine how a blind and deaf person perceives the world...you can imagine being unable to see or hear but you cannot ever come close to imagining what it is like to never have been able to see or hear and how this group of people perceive the world and those around them.

Your son's depression is very likely stemming from him observing other people being able to have friends, girlfriends, relate to others, have enjoyable social interactions, etc,etc as easy as it is for you to breathe....while he simply cannot achieve any of this in any way or form even if he tries. He may have realized that despite anything he achieves academically or work-wise (volunteering,etc) he will never have anything remotely close to a social life or even be able to enjoy said socializing. The lack of a girlfriend would also be a huge emotional problem for him... he does long to be with a girl but fails at it. He sees 'everyone' around him entering relationships but he cannot. Imagine yourself going out every day and seeing everyone around you enjoying their life (social interactions) and having a significant other...and because of some incomprehensible reason you cannot. That breeds a lot of resentment and anger towards himself and irrationally, towards others.

What can you do? Nothing. There is nothing you can do to resolve the problem. This is how his life is going to be. The only thing you can do is try to find him an environment where he can meet others like himself and critically, a girl who would enjoy being with him. He's already bordering the self destructive stage of depression and is at risk of a suicide attempt or doing harm to another. I think you already know this.

Thanks so much all of you! we have an appointment with the psychiatrist for the depression

Each and every word of what you have said is true; he has said those things very clearly many times, how he wants to sit and be able to laugh with other kids, sitting on steps; how he feels like everyone else speaks a different language; he has a very strong desire to connect and relate, wants to be like everyone else and I totally understand the void he has. When I talk to a friend or family member over the phone, he always used to ask me what we talked about, but now gives me an empty look. He says my daughter makes me happy, and he cannot, only because he has seen me laugh at some of her jokes etc . I try to avoid talking to her in front of him (who is away at college) but I cannot shield him from all the pain in his life. He is not so articulate as all of you are, and that makes it worse for him.. Its so sad to see how you and so many others are suffering.... I will just keep praying and hang in there ! Thank and ALL THE BEST

I feel very similar and am at a loss to fix myself, so offering advice seems flawed, but here goes.
Tony Attwood has noted that even if an Aspie cannot describe his emotions in his own words, the aspie is always able to pick a song for it's lyrics that succinctly describes the feelings of the person. I agree 100%. I find music helps me tremendously. Start a conversation about his fave songs, will he share? This may give an insight to his feelings.
Anger is often a blanket for depression..it is good that he is involved in sport etc.
Does he have anywhere to zone out at school, or is it all overload, held in until reaching the security of home?
Sounds like he is also overloaded with responsibility..so many boxes to tick. Why not get help him list his needs and help him achieve these one at a time. He might just need to know that the world is not on his shoulders and it is ok to just be.
Does that make any sense?
Also look for peer support groups for him, other Aspie's doing groupstuff. If he is also on this forum, tread carefully, he needs freedom to vent and may not be able to do so if you are also present.
All the best, I hope he feels better soon.

Good to hear you are seeing a doctor for the depression. After verbal abuse comes physical self-harming - best to avoid that while he's still young.

Also, does he enjoy these activities? I'm sure he is good at them, but do they satisfy him or does he tolerate them? I know when I was young and my Mom put me in activities the desired effect was reversed - instead of becoming used to the socializing I only became more acutely aware of my inability not only to effectively do so, but also to derive any pleasure from it. And I felt more of a failure. I guess what I mean is, it's okay to be alone and not do these activities. One thing I think autistic people often have to learn, and I am still trying to, is how to deal with social isolation and to accept that it's really not the end of the world.

I really feel for your kid - it totally sucks. And having it shoved in your face everyday in school is like sadistic torture. And all the while we have to smile and pretend we are fulfilled by this environment. My friend has an autistic child and she homeschooled for a couple of years. It had a good effect. And later her child returned to school to graduate.

*Hugs*

Try getting him off wheat before giving him any medications.

Sent a pm. Would be more than happy to chat & help in any way that I can.

Also, just wanted to say that you should feel pretty good about yourself for having come here and shared this & asked for help from anyone here who may be able to assist from our own life experiences. Definitely a lot of love in doing that. You should feel pretty proud of yourself & I do hope that you get some help here from various experiential experts among us who have all been there and done that.

Maybe introduce him to Wrong Planet. That could be a first step to ending his isolation, connecting with people who understand, and finding a peer group that offers support. Maybe investigate support groups in your area. Maybe scan all the Meet-Up groups in your area to see if there is one that might suit him and connect him with an understanding peer group. Maybe buy the book "The Complete Guide to Aspergers" which you could study and discuss together. He needs connection. He needs that more than perhaps psychiatric treatment for the effects of disconnection. SSRIs are commonly prescribed for endogenous depression - while his seems to be reactive depression; they seem to offer little benefit to the majority of people here, because it is not serotonin that is lacking, it is human connection. And psychiatric diagnosis is stigmatising, particularly at his age. A book I think may be helpful to you is The Edge Effect which has useful question and answer sections to screen for which - if any - neurotransmitters are depleted, and it gives very constructive advice on how to replenish them. I am sure your support is a very major factor in his journey through this painful stage, though that alone will probably not be enough to help him resolve it.

I'm not sure how you are calculating this, but I will say that anti-depressants have been of great benefit to me.

Yes, some people do find them enormously helpful. I am glad that you are one of them.

Studies (for all populations, not just us) have found that less than 50% are helped and that is no better than chance. There is a thread on WP about what prescription drugs did and did not help (I was the OP) and though some found some benefit from SSRIs, most did not.

Thanks.


I'll check it out.
I think my depression started because of my environment back when I was in school. Left untreated it became chronic. I can actually remember when I was about 11 feeling that a part of me was dying and I wasn't going to be able to get it back. I still haven't, but I keep trying.

That sounds familiar. Depression has huge physical impacts on the body, which are rarely mentioned in articles about it. The body and mind interplay so much that perpetuation of depression can be longstanding.
Recent research poses an important question: is depression actually an inflammatory disease? It may be worth having a look at.

Perhaps the inflammation is the damage.

The behaviour could be his way to cope with being bullied.