Anyone hurting this much? Please help !

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Hello, please help me with what is going with my 17 years old son. He is really suffering and so are we as a famly. He is HFA and is a mainstreamed junior (with IEP). Due to serious challenges in language(articulation) and social communication, he has never had ANY friend in school or outside. Until a few years ago, he seemed to not care about it, but now with each passing day he is more miserable, and resentful. He cannot come to terms with his inability to fit in and is very aware of how he is different.

In school, all teachers report that he is kind and gentle, always smiling boy who tries his best at everything. At home, its a different story. Generally, he works on HW as soon as he gets home; then we head out for his activities. He plays squash, is a brown belt, and also volunteers at a couple of places. But inspite of all that, the social interactions with peers are non existant. After these activities, his days are very quiet and without any peer interaction (no phone calls, FBing etc.) He does play some video games and watches TV. He is also driving now.

Every 3rd /4th day, he comes home furious, refusing to talk. When I talk to him, what he says is the same everytime, that he is a dishonor, disgrace to the family, he should be abandoned and rejected. He says everyone would be better off if he is not around.He wants to be sent to jail forever, he wants us to find someone who can kill him, and also wants to burn in hell and be punished forever. He says everyone hates him and we should admit that we do too secretly. He says dozens of other very hurtfull things, all to the same effect. About 2-3 weeks its a huge meltdown, with a lot of crying /sobbing with smaller episodes evry few days. After a lot of explaining, comforting and cajoling, he apologises to us for being so angry and nasty. He slowly gets back to his usual self, only for the next couple of weeks to start the cycle again. I am emotionally drained dealing with this. I see him upset and want to just run away to avoid this all. I try to say all the right things, trust me, to make him feel wanted loved and remind him of the precious person he is and what not. It only works very temporarily, and does not stick; I am very tired. The therapy is not helping either, although the therapist is very good and takes genuine interest in his wellbeing. Is there anything we can do to help him with the extreme extreme worthlessness he feels ? I want to be around for him for long, but the stress, sleepless nights and emotional toll is making it hard for me to function. Please tell me what to do, any and all advice will be very much appreciated ...! !! Thanks, and Best to you

Sorry, this is a repost, as I seem to have posted incorrectly in another forum before

To me it sounds like something is going on at school that he is either hiding from you or is unable to articulate. Does he have an aide at school? Could someone discreetly shadow him for a couple of days?

I'd second Adam 55's reply in the haven - it does sound as if your son is coming down with severe depression due to feeling isolated and unappreciated by anyone outside of his family. I went through a similar phase in my early 20s, and the only thing that helped me was anti-depressants (psychotherapy didn't really help and is - IMO - of limited use in treating autistic spectrum disorders anyway). Is your son currently on any other medication? And if not, is it an option you or he would be willing to consider?

Last edited by Bustduster on 23 Nov 2014, 1:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Aspies get along with other aspies.

Join or start a local meetup group.

I agree with YippySkippy - I'd do some detective work at the school. This doesn't sound like the reaction of someone who is frustrated with isolation...it sounds to me like there is something active going on, like either he's making advances that are being rejected nastily or he is being bullied.

My son was very much like this at a much younger age - we found that it had a lot to do with having an undiagnosed deficit in pragmatic (social) speech. He was using "scripting" to communicate, which meant he was putting out and taking in information on the level of a tourist with a phrasebook. This lead to all sorts of misunderstandings that were totally inexplicable to my son (he thought if you plug in communication A you are supposed to get back result B) and a sense that the world was conspiring against him because no matter how much he followed the rules as he saw them, he was wrong most of the time. It took us a long time to sort out, but with appropriate supports he is doing much better. I am guessing that since your son has difficulty with articulation that his speech has been tested - but are they also supporting pragmatics? Just a thought.

Has your son tried any assistive communications, like text-to-speech (or Dragon Dication or something for communication in the other direction?) I know a young person who posts here who uses it frequently; she does much better if this avenue is available to her. I know you want him to practice, but it may actually be getting in the way of his ability to communicate.

I'd also agree about finding a meetup group - but you might want to see if you can find an interest-based group as well. What are your son's main interests? Some video games have an active social community attached to them. He can also join this forum and post here - there's a whole board for young people.

Oh, and - hang in there! I have an idea of how awful this can be for a parent. I hope you and your son find peace soon.

In addition to it being something at school, it could be interactions in his extracurricular activities, as well. Usually things go better in places where people share special interests, but not always.

I am going to suggest this, aware that it an interim step, but depending on what kind of gaming he is into, there may be some safe-place kind of gaming communities. A lot of them are rough, so you would need to be careful. but I vaguely remember some text-based communities, in days of yore, that attracted an eclectic but pretty harmless group. I don't know if those things exist anymore or if something like that would be there for the types of games he likes.

There are also a ton of special-interest forums that are relatively safe. I don't how true that is for things that target his age group, though as that age is what it is. I know he probably craves real interaction, but I think positive experiences in a less urgently charged environment might help.

It sounds like possibly bipolar or depression. Those are more common on the spectrum than the general population.

It could also have to do with bullying and being told those things at school. It could be other students or even teachers/staff.

I also want to echo upthread: medication can often be helpful - my son managed to pull it together before we came to that, but both DH and I recently started on different medicines to help with anxiety, and it helps a LOT. One of the things medication did for me when I was in college was to help me get my bearings a bit - sometimes depression is difficult to manage because it's just so heavy, for lack of a better way to describe it.

If he's never been medicated and he is 17, you have clearly given him a lot of opportunity to try to develop coping skills without that intervention. I'm not saying to jump into it by any means - but exploring it with a professional (and getting a second opinion) might be helpful.

If he is currently medicated, I'd check in with his prescribing doctor - sometimes physical development knocks all that stuff out of whack and you need to try something new or tweak what he's got.

I used to be very strongly anti-medication, but since I've been in the special needs community, I can now see where there is a time and place for that discussion.

While depression is very much a possibility, I would be very interested in figuring out what his internal code is, assuming he has one. My son has a very strong one, and what upsets him more than anything is when he violates his own code. That is what your son's statements remind me of, the feelings that seem to arise from violating this strict internal code.

It is not unusual for ASD kids to write rules for themselves; it is a way of ordering a confusing world. The problem is, those rules don't always work, and can create their whole own new set of issues. And you can say all the theoretically right things, but your child won't believe you, because their world is black and white and defined by that internal code that their logic tells them they just failed.

I've found that I can't get very far helping my son with anything unless I fully understand how he interprets things and also how he is sorting them into concepts of right and wrong. His system doesn't allow for much nuance, and thus can really become a trap, which no one can help with unless they know the system.

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One possibility that may not be related to AS is that your son was sexually molested. Sometimes a person who is molested can enjoy the physical sensation only to hate themselves for it afterwards. This is somewhat common with incest victims.

I do not know if this is recent behavior, but if it is, it may point to a recent incident or a continuing situation where there is so much shame that he cannot talk about it.

I'd probably think something like this.

I know when I was that age (the third-most miserable period of my life, right behind the year and a half after my dad died and my whole life went to Horror Story Hell and the nightmare known as Middle School), I desperately wanted a social life and, while I didn't quite have the skills to get one, I was SO DAMN CLOSE that it was absolutely maddening.

On top of that, I had expectations for myself that very few (if any) people could ever have met. I was supposed to be a perfect straight-A student, AND have perfect social skills (not to mention have entry into the 'right' crowd-- the straight-laced, highly academic, mostly-GOP kids with whom the closest relationship I was able to manage was a rivalry), AND be able to run with and counsel the 'bad crowd' (where most of my 'friends' were), AND be on practically-equal terms with my teachers, AND be my aunt's understudy as a homemaker and allomother, AND, AND, AND...

Yeah. I guess I must have been planning on running for God when I grew up. I'm pretty sure it was an ASD thing, probably based in having to earn (on a very steep scale) the privilege of breathing over again every single day.

How do you get him through it??? Time, experience, and maybe an antidepressant. Marijuana and mirtazapine (not simultaneously) helped me some; getting older, getting a wider world and finally filling in the last gaps to have some friends and gain insight into how others I actually respected set standards for themselves helped more. I fell back into it after half a decade in virtual isolation a mile down a dead-end dirt road with my kids, my husband, and no one connections with anyone in my generation that didn't involve 1,000+ miles of phone cable. I've spent the past three years now seeing therapists who reinforced, on a weekly basis, how cruelly high my expectations for myself were (how cruelly high they would be even for an NT with every advantage).

How do you get yourself through it?? Mama, I don't know. I think it's harder to watch your kid hurt than it is to go through it yourself. Know that YOU CAN'T FIX IT. I think it's part of the VHFA coming-of-age process or something-- he has to learn this himself. All you can do is listen and provide support-- basically, keep doing what you're doing. And find yourself someone to empathize (even if that's just us), because this is going to be a loooooong road (I was in my mid-20s before it ended the first time, and spent most of my early- to mid- 30s going through it again).

Many thanks to all of you for support and help ! I really found all advice valuable!

I have tried to find similar kids who he can relate to better but unfortunately have not been successful so far - he is not in theAutism program at school so does not know any kids. The schools don't share any info due to privacy policy; I will keep trying. We have looked at the school situation closely and there is no bullying/ teasing going on. He was disappointed after making efforts (for a long time) to strike converstaions as taught in his social skills groups. With some exceptions, generally kids were good in just returning his greetings and small talk but no one showed any interest more than that.
We have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week and hope to start him on some SSRI. Hope it will help ! All the best to all of you in everything you do, and many thanks again ! !

Good luck to you! I am so sorry you and your son are struggling. I hope you find the help you need.

Hmm it is unusual he'd feel so worthless if there is no kind of bullying going on or if he's not treated like an outcast. Unfortunately a lot of times bullying can be subtle and sometimes people are just simply ostracized on the outside it looks like people treat that person ok but the person them-self knows they will never be welcome into the 'group' That was my high-school experience. Also perhaps meds will help take the edge off the depression, but not really so sure there is a cure for the crushing feeling being isolated and desiring interaction that is out of reach...so even if that helped I imagine he'd still be unhappy about that if that is what is going on. Or maybe it is more just mental illness talking and his peers don't actually have a problem with him.