Hey guys, I'm sorry to just barge in here and start into my story but as advice and understanding from the majority of NT's I know is one sided, I felt the need to ask others with the same 'wiring' as they call it, for a viewpoint.
Before I start, I have never had confirmation from my ex partner that he is 'on the spectrum' or had much dealing with people who are in the past, It was only after talking the situation over with a friend who has three AS children and saw similarities that I started looking into the possibility. He and his parents both know that he has a problem with 'space' and having his own and that dealing with people can become overbearing. This was given as the main reason for our break up, that and that he needed to just care for himself.
I want to start by saying he is the most kindest, caring and honest man I have ever met. We were only together 3 months, and in that time we spent various evenings and weekends together participating in a joint interest at events, we already had the same group of friends so that was easy and we both agreed we made each other happy, neither of us really knew where it was going to go but who does really?
He hesitated to start anything beyond a friendship at first, so I let him know that I liked him but friendship was fine if that was all he wanted, we hung out a bit and he then told me 'he liked me', he used childlike words and behaviours sometimes I just saw it as sweet. We went on a date, I thought we had a really nice day, he invited me to stay longer for dinner and to stay over which I did. A day later he text me saying we should just be friends ' the love was not there', we continued to hang out as friends and it gradually became romantic, we never had the relationship talk, one day he refereed to himself as my boyfriend and the following weekend his friends started introducing me to others as his girlfriend. I went to a family wedding, he wanted me to met them, it was great, we were happy. I remember asking him did he feel that connection when we kissed/made love etc, he said ' that warm fuzzy feeling', yes it was what i felt, there was no reason to put words to it, we were both feeling the same thing.
A couple of weeks before he broke up with me, i noticed a shift in his mood, grumpier, less open almost acting very selfish, it was just about his world, not ours. I've seen this before at the end of a relationship, so I asked him if everything was fine, if we were ok, he said yes. He seemed happier when his buddies were around, but when it was only me and him it was horrible. yet he was making plans for us for the winter, asking about christmas presents and agreed to book flights with me for two months time. Eventually he told me about his space issue and I agreed that I had been around more and that we should maybe agree to one night a week and whatever was happening at the weekends, to which he agreed. The following week i hardly heard from him and when i went to see him, he wouldnt even look at me or make any time for me, yes you guessed it, he broke up with me.
He was very cold and emotionless about it , he was very sure this is what he wanted. He said he could never love me, that I was only ever his friend but never his girlfriend (yet he was breaking up with me), it hurt alot, i felt that i had not done anything to deserve this kind of abuse and that the caring, honest man i knew had gone. A week or so later we had a nice level chat where i said that maybe it got too serious and there was too much pressure and he agreed, he said he never knew what he wanted, he was very adamant that after id taken the space I needed, we could still be friends and see each other sometimes, I agreed, ok It had not worked out but I knew he was still a good person underneath.
He made a plan for us to meet up a week later, I texted 2 hours before the meeting time to ask what the plan was, he texted back that he didn't have time to meet up, I phoned later to ask what was wrong , he told me 'I just didnt want to see you tonight'. Which yes was honest to the core. Any effort after that to try and be friends or see him has been met with a nasty response. We were both at the same party a couple of weeks ago and not only would he not speak to me, he went awkwardly out of his way to avoid any interaction of any type with me. Like I'm now invisible?
I have tried to recognise that it is very likely that he has AS in some way, and that maybe the honesty was ok when things were good but obviously pretty hurtful to me when the context is not what i wanted to hear as an NT who connects emotion with words. And that he does not recognise the hurt that goes with those type of words as I do? Is it common for AS to be so violently shifted one way or another?
Sorry this is so long! any opinions, advice welcome?
27 Nov 2014, 4:56 am
