Uncomfortable with Houseguests?

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Does anyone here, especially those who live in smaller quarters ever get saddled with a houseguest for several days? Do you find that extremely stressful? I personally despise other people who are not my husband or children being in my living space. Lately this problem keeps rearing its ugly head for me too since we for now the FOURTH weekend in a row we end up with my husband's 11 year-old son. He's not a bad kid or anything really, but we live in a three-room hamster cage of an apartment. I truly love my privacy too. I love to be able to freely wear what I want, shower with the door open so I don't pass out from the heat, prepare food without eyes on me, listen to music etc. as freely as I want to, but when he's here, I have to barricade myself in my windowless, gloomy bedroom since I work from home and CANNOT work with any distractions, such as his noisy tablet. Not to mention, if you suffer from IBS, the last you want is someone skulking outside of your bathroom door! I literally have a physical reaction to the stress this situation produces, and it is made worse by how I am expected somehow by this kid's freeloading mother to feed him. My own children don't live with me because I cannot financially support them, they live with their father, so it irks me to say the least that I have this responsibility foisted upon me when sometimes I don't know where my next meal is coming from. I cannot discuss it with my husband either (who I suspect is also an Aspie but a different type than me), he just gets angry. I hate this situation so much and it keeps replaying every weekend like a bad record for the last few weeks, has anyone else found themselves in a similar frustrating predicament, if so what did you do about it?

My Aspie partner and I (NT) have had house guests one time, for an overnight on their way out of town and an overnight on their way back a couple weeks later. The effect on him was strong enough that I doubt I'll ever invite house guests again. So, others do definitely have issues with house guests. Like I said, I'm an NT myself, but from what I've seen with my Aspie man, it seems that the house is the "safety zone" away from everyone and everything, and to have it invaded by house guests is very difficult. He did keep to our computer room/office space a lot, but unfortunately that can't be done 24/7. Sorry I can't offer much help, butwanted to share that he struggles with house guests as well. Thankfully neither of us has kids, so we don't have "mandatory guests" due to that.

The problem is that your husband's son isn't a guest, he's family. He's your stepson.

If you have a real problem with his being there, I would suggest that you stay somewhere else when he visits. It's very bad for children to sense that the adults in charge of their space don't like them or want them around. If he visits frequently, you may want to consider getting a trailer so that you can stay in your own private space when he visits.

If you can't afford any of these things, and his mother can't be persuaded that this is a bad setup for her son, then your husband should get in touch with the school guidance counselor and try to find some sort of alternate and stable arrangement. The situation you're describing is really not good for that boy.

timtowdi-
I understand what you are trying to say and all, and I do go out of my way to be nice to this kid too. I listen to him and try to show an interest in him, give him money when I can so he can go to school or buy something etc. I am not unkind to him or anything like that. This is a different culture here we live in Jamaica where people don't really give a crap about other people. The school would do nothing, and his mother grew up in horrible conditions worse than this, so to her this would probably be nothing. Believe me, if I could, I certainly would stay somewhere else, but we simply don't have the funds for that. If you have any understanding or awareness of Asperger's you would realize that it is very challenging to people like me to have their personal space taken over by anyone else, see the post preceding yours, obviously I am not the only one that finds this very upsetting. I am not someone with a strong sense of family anyhow because I am coming from a very negative family experience so I can't be expected to embrace someone else's kid. I love my own children dearly, but am just not naturally very maternal towards other people's children, and I do think it's disgusting to expect a step-parent to foot the bills for one's children, I would never take advantage of someone else like that.

You may think that you are being kind by giving him things sometimes or occasionally listening to him, but I guarantee that he feels pretty unwelcome and that isn't kindness.

Hi. I understand what this woman has gone through with the stepson living there. This is especially true when you hardly had funds to keep a good (soothing for an Aspie) environment with just the two people living there.

I had two step children in and out constantly, having them around while I was at work also, having them use up resources while the ex-spouse would try to get even more.

This is a hard situation to deal with for the following reasons that I will try to illustrate in a silly manner: If you already have a lot of stress even choosing which spoon to use then having someone else in the house to negotiate with is 5x harder. Having a person whom you might or mightn't love but who has to be there who will judge you (no privacy, no haven) and who is a minor (you cannot tell them to "leave" or go someplace else while you need to have a meltdown or zone-out/time-out period) is a cage to an Aspie. Your spouse or significant other will JUDGE the heck out of you for not appreciating their loved one. This is especially annoying when the other parent is Gone All Day! and you are stuck with caring for their child.

It can get extremely complex and the person that responded negatively to your post can just comment on her own life and stop commenting when she doesn't understand (probably a non-asperger, although probably not an NT either).

I have Asperger's, and I also married someone who had a child from a previous relationship.

I completely understand having someone in your personal space. It's something I struggle with, now that our daughter (I eventually adopted his daughter, as her bio-mom signed over rights) lives with us full-time. It's really been a struggle to get used to living with two other people (one being a noisy child who's also on the spectrum) when I was used to living by myself and having plenty of alone time. However, these are the choices we made.

This is your husband's child, who he is also obligated to help support. I do not see how feeding the kid while he's there is asking too much, especially if you're depending on your child's father to completely feed/pay for their care. Maybe child support works differently in Jamaica (if you have a system like that at all), but in the United States, both parents are obligated to financially support the child. During visitations, the "weekend parent" is required to feed them, provide anything they need for the weekend, etc. The child should be able to spend time with his dad, and I can understand your husband's anger when you bring it up. You're trying to make him choose between you and his kid. His kid is his blood; you are someone he married. I'm assuming both of you knew you had children from previous relationships when you decided to get married.

If this is really bothering you, you have three choices: 1) deal with how things are now, 2) find somewhere else to stay when your stepson is there, or 3) divorce your husband and get a place by yourself.

I think that what anyone that posts on this subject has to remember is: what is the situation at its worst (when you are overwhelmed and the situation is out of you hands or out of your area of control).

Both the original post and I did not illustrate that usually things are easy (when you are working as hard as an Aspie can to survive something both positively and negatively stressful). Feeding a child, playing with them, spending time with them, getting exercise outdoors and in, being creative and supportive are all things that many people with Asperger's Syndrome can excel in.

What I'm trying to give support to the original post. It is hard to have a blended family; whether you're NT or Asperger's it is HARD ENOUGH.

Stop trying to post that anyone that would complain about the situation just needs to "try to like the kid better." Whoever gives posts that just say or imply "love the kid better" are not realistic. Child rearing is difficult whether they are your own or adopted or stepchildren. You can absolutely care about someone, something, etc., and still find the situation very difficult.

I have children of my own and multiple step children. I'm also a teacher. You need to get breaks - especially if you have Asperger's. You need to feel like you are supported by your spouse or boyfriend - especially if you are rearing their children. If you are an Aspie and your mental and physical needs go unmet (and perhaps your intellectual health needs are under met as well if you provide daycare all day) the situation is HARD.

And for the former posts that really do get by with just a pat on their back of "good job, I can love this kid and it isn't that hard as long as I'm nice," GOOD FOR YOU. I hope that always works and that you have many years of not getting stressed out beyond what you can bear. By the way - you might want to get re-diagnosed because there is almost no way you have Asperger's (especially if you can regulate that well all of the time). But blessings to you anyway.

I always feel unconfortable with guests or being a guests in someone else's place...

It is just "one of those things" that we aspegers have to learn to live with.

Thank you, Kaux. So true.

You mean housepests?

I can't stand people invading my house. It's especially annoying when it's my husband's friends, or certain in-laws who I am not terribly fond of to begin with. It's not as bad when it's someone I want to see or have conversation with, but I get wigged out enough when it's just me and my husband without any breaks. I like to think of my home as someplace where I don't have to deal with people if I don't want to.

I always feel awkward when we have guests- like I can't just watch TV or sleep or take a shower when I want to. Maybe that isn't as annoying for NTs but it drives me nuts. I don't get enough time away from people as it is.

I wouldn't mind having a one bedroom home.

On the other hand, I have some friends from elsewhere who I would enjoy visiting with on occasion. It would be nice to have room for them because they would never come up here and stay in a hotel to visit me.

One thing that might be nice would be to have a one bedroom house for me and a two bedroom guest house for visitors, perhaps a few feet apart. Also, a kitchenette in the guest house so they could fix their own meals when necessary.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who might want to visit. I'd rather he stay in a hotel. Preferably one a hundred miles away.

It's not that I don't like him, but because I really don't have much in common with him at all and nothing to discuss. Plus, he's not very careful with other people's things. A couple of years ago when he stayed in my brother's travel trailer, he left the water running and the door opened and did an enormous amount of damage.

I wouldn't mind if it his mother stayed, but he is often the one to drive her over here.

If I had a guest house and he was coming, I would try to find someone else to stay there while he was here so he would have to find some place else to stay. Or maybe pick that time to do some serious renovation.

Yes, I can't stand house guests. I spent most of my life living with relatives, and it drove all of us crazy. Now I live alone and never want to live with others again. I have never had overnight guests, but do sometimes get day visits from relatives living nearby. I would rather they didn't come, but one of them owns the place I am living in, so I can't stop them from visiting. Having visitors is very stressful for introverted, hermit type aspies. My relative gives me a price break on the rent, which I pay out of my disability benefits, and I can't afford to pay the regular rates somewhere else, so I am stuck with the situation.

As other responders have mentioned, my home is my haven. At home, most of the time, I don't have to deal with high levels of stress. Prior to living alone, I spent most of my life dealing with too much stress. I really need this haven from the rest of the world. I find I am better able to handle stressful situations away from home, now that I have a solitary haven home to come to afterward.

I don't know what to suggest for dealing with your step son, except maybe moving into a bigger place, which you can't afford to do right now. I wish I could be more helpful regarding this, but I have no experience with kids. I realized when I was eight years old that I didn't want to marry or have kids, and never changed my mind, so I never had either. I would have been a lousy spouse and parent, anyway.

For me, the difficult thing about house guests is feeling pressured to be constantly switched on, talking to them, alert to their needs etc. After a while I am screaming inside to go somewhere quiet and to read for a while so that I can recharge my batteries. My ideal house guest would be someone who arrives with some books they want to read in the evening and who is happy to go out sometimes on their own instead of wanting to do every single thing together, so that I can get a chance to recharge. When I go to stay with someone, I like it if they have some appointments to go to while I am there, so that I can have the chance to go out on my own and also spend time with them.

Yes indeed! In fact I am dealing with this right now as I writing this. My wife is a extremely nice and giving person. I deeply admire that about her but it often comes to the point where she allows other people to stay with use whom she feels need help. Her daughter and close guy friend lived with us for six months. Right now my wife is talking to a guy who is currently homeless and has been hanging out all day. She struck a conversation with him yesterday while walking down the street and immediate became very fond of him, offered him to stay at our house during nights that could be rough such as bad weather. I think he's a great guy but I'm feeling truely stressed the same time. He's offering to fix up a lot of things in the house, including painting the porch, fixing stuff in which I would just rather do my self. I mostly frustrated because I feel like out of no where someone is now in my space, being offered our resources, perhaps (however unlikely but still somewhat worried) he could have hidden ulterior motive that could effect me and my wife's relationship. Of course yes like most aspies I tend to get overwhelmed around people- especially if it's within a space I used to relax and get away from overwhelming situations. I feel bad for people who are homeless, I like helping people, but I feel like this is one two situations that have been kind of happened without my consent.