My best friends' boyfriend Hates me

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I have one good friend, a best friend, whom I trust completely. I've known her for over a year.

She has a new boyfriend: they have been dating for almost five months now. They're both older than me, he's closer to my age than hers. I was the FIRST person to support their relationship, and we've gotten along swimmingly since they started dating.

But, three weeks ago, I found out that he suddenly cannot stand me

He never said anything to me, but he told her that I was "immature" and "invasive". That really upset me, I thought it might be my Aspie nature (I'm a bit awkward, repetitive, distant), but she said it wasn't the case (I actually found out that he had a good friend who was an Aspie), and I stopped going to their house (they moved in together last month) on Sundays (which she said was his main problem.) And I decided to be more mature and quiet around him (which is difficult, because me and my friend bring out immaturity in each other.)

I thought that doing this would lead to reconciliation, and to be sure I gave them really nice Christmas presents (A Very heartfelt card personally written to both of them, a photo album for them to put pictures of themselves in, with a picture of them already on the cover; a toy for her dog, and a puppy calendar).

But things have recently gotten worse, not better. I've only seen him once since then, and it was very briefly. Since I'm out of school until Spring, me and her have been hanging out together (at her house when he's at work, and with her when she works, she delivers medical supplies across the region). The other day me and her didn't get back until late (we drive through two different states and she dropped me off at home before she went home) and he threw a temper tantrum (basically) because he got off work before she got the call, and he said she should've dropped me off and took him instead.

He's childish, she said, and he doesn't any of her friends. But most of her friends she only sees a couple of times a month, if that. I'm with her virtually every day (I was with her every day the past six days, one day as long as twelve hours), and so I get actual animosity for how often I'm with her. He's possessive, but not very controlling, by what I mean is he doesn't ever Forbid her from hanging out with anyone, but he mopes and sulks and acts childish (which she finds troublesome, but adorable). And she doesn't want to cause problems or start an argument this early in the relationship.

Today we spent some time around her ex (who, amazingly enough, her boyfriend has absolutely completely no problem with!) and he agrees that he is being a big baby.

She keeps telling me to drop it, forget it, don't worry about it, etc. But how can I? She is my ONLY close friend (I have a few other friends, very few, but none of them are close, and all of them are mutual friends with her, so I only ever hang out with them with her.) She is the only real friend I ever had, and without her support, I doubt I would have made it through my first semester.

Now she has a policy of separating us (She assured me that I'm her best friend and she won't just end our friendship over this, but that does little to assure me), which is upsetting. (I actually considered him a friend :/) That means, basically, that when she goes somewhere fun from now on (vacation, beach, amusement park, etc.) she'll take him, unless for some reason he can't make it (which he will,). We all made plans last month to go to the zoo, but it got postponed to this weekend, and now she's taking him and another friend she only sees occasionally. I like the zoo.

Though he doesn't like to share her time with ANYONE, he tolerates her other friends because they hardly see her (they have their OWN circles of friends, so they hang out with other people. But I don't have a circle, I hang out with her.

This is keeping me up at night, upset; and it is already affecting me negatively (Me and him are Facebook friend, but I have a policy of not being friends with someone who hates me. I asked her and she asked me not to unfriend him, so instead I deactivated my Facebook.)

I don't want to cause trouble. Their relationship makes her happier than I've ever seen her, and I want their relationship to continue to grow. I understand that he is her main priority, and I understand that (I don't mind playing second fiddle to him, but he doesn't even want me in the orchestra).

She keeps telling me not to worry, but of course I'm worrying! After I go back to school, I don't know how often I'll see her because by the time I'm out of classes, he'll be off work. Without my friends support, I don't know how I'll get through the semester, so I already dropped half of the classes I was planning to take. She says that it's his problem, but it seems to affect me worse than it does him.

Oh the joys of a close friend finding that special someone who doesn't like us is always so fun. I have had a couple situations like those and it's never fun. In fact there was someone I know who just got married and I learned just nearly two years ago that he didn't like me supposedly. I understand that he didn't like it that I got jealous of her or so she said.


I also remember going on a camping trip with a close friend who has just turned 12 and met her first boyfriend. Originally her boyfriend was supposed to leave with his grandmother and I would ride back to my friend's house and spend the afternoon with my friend. This was since she spent most of the weekend with him. Well those plans fell through and that meant he was coming back with us.

I remember being mad at my friend in thinking that I had been replaced by this bratty 12 year old kid who said mean things to me. I was also jealous because I there and then I wasn't.

This really bothers me. Was the trip to the zoo postponed for another time, or did she just replace you with another friend? Because I don't like the sound of that. Not one bit.

I was just replaced

Not very friendly of her.

I can't blame her. She just doesn't want to cause problems.

Maybe, but I'd be ticked if someone replaced me like that.

But wait, there's more: instead of sleeping in on a Sunday, she texts me early in the morning. She wants me to watch her dog while they're at the aquarium.

Controlling who your boyfriend/girlfriend can be friends with is a classic case of manipulative behavior.
It is considered to be one form of abuse when looking at domestic violence cases.

Nobody under any circumstances has the right to bully their partner into giving up their friends and what he is doing is wrong.

Don't let him or her take advantage of you, it was wrong of her to break your zoo plans and invite others instead, it was especially wrong of her to text you and ask a favor while they were having fun at the aquarium without you.

I know you care about her but you shouldn't make excuses for her bad actions. You deserve better.

Last edited by LoveforLoki on 11 Jan 2015, 8:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

I don't think it's you, who is the problem here! There's not a lot you can do right now.
(Isolating is the first step in abusive relationships)

Exactly! It is! This is a classic case of isolation.

I wouldn't say that. He's definitely possessive and jealous, but he never says "oh, you can't hang out with so and so", he just acts like a big baby. He sulks and throws temper tantrums.

And I'm the only one he really has a problem with, because I spend so much time with her, and we're so close.

My grandmother asks if I have any dignity, since they just stuck me with the dog and left.

But I shouldn't complain, because she's been a great friend to me.

When he sulks like that, he's being manipulative. And she sounds like an awful friend.

Actually that bothers me too but at the same time it sounds like she replaced you because she is living with new standards from him. So maybe she didn't replace you out of spite but because he isn't interested in you.

Now that is no excuse but this happens a lot with friends when one gets into a relationship.

Yes the sulking is manipulative, and the manipulation is control, and the control is the first step to abusive behavior.

Oooh nasty. It didn't see this posting before but she sounds manipulative too. Did she go to the aquarium the same same day that she ditched you for this other friend who was more important? This person is not even worth your time. Anyone who makes plans and breaks them on you like that is not a friend to begin with. Either way it is okay to let her know that you feel like she broke her promise to invite you to the zoo. I would also let her know that you felt used for taking off to see a silly aquarium while you were stuck watching her dog and that it is not acceptable.