Not well

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I came home from my weekly meetup a few hours ago. It's the only time I get to be unconditionally accepted in a group. I struggle to converse and I realized that I am not improving in socialization despite going for 3 months. Tonight the lights and noise overstimulated me and I wasn't OK. I also want to be like the others and with them, but I am the odd one out. An irregular.

Besides my almost daily walks, this is the only time I go out anymore. My mom drives me there. I have my learner's permit. A driver's license seems pointless; all of my life seems unnecessary and futile. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want much in life. I don't enjoy things. I have no friends, and that's a problem. Talking is hard for me and I frequently misunderstand people. I've never had a multi-minute conversation in my life. I need intimacy, as the psychological pain of not having human touch and never having emotional connection with a women causes actual pain in my brain. It hurts a lot and doesn't go away no matter what.

I was going to start some classes at a local college. Not anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. There are so many things I've gone through, missed, and felt. The confusion, pain, isolation, sense of inferiority, differentness... is weighing me done. I'm slowing down, and I turn 21 soon.

I don't know how much of my life history I should post. My old therapist said I have a lot of pieces. Before meetup.com, I went periods of several months without leaving the house. I was in bad shape. I still am. The trajectory I foresee can only be changed so much in various areas. The nonsense of saying that it will be worth it. Worth it? I don't understand. Chase the stupid carrot for the essentials of a social creature. I never had friends in my teenage years. I didn't get to do things. I'm sad. Not only was i depressed then, I had no support system or anything and my parents didn't understand me. I'm really upset about this all.

I need intimacy. I've never had that, and I don't care about sex. A person will say what I need to do and list requirements, but do you f*****g understand how much of a rut I've been in for the past few years? I used to be afraid of leaving my house, so I stayed inside for months on end in fear every day. I have no concept of a normal life. i'm starting to lose it and i'm crying. Why does this have to be me? I WANT IT ALL TO BE DIFFERENT AND I WANT TO BE UNLIKE MYSELF IN WAYS THAT CANNOT BE DONE.

Do not let your biology win. Reject your biology and live as a hermit only seeking out truths. Society will not give you anything but lies and falsities.

Biology win? There is no way at all to be outside of the influence of biology. I'm not sure what sort of ascetic deprivation scheme you support, but that's absurd nonsense. Interactions and relationships are all that matters. I'm already an antinatalist, but I don't paint myself as some rebel against the puppeteer known as DNA. Antinatalism is compassion and consideration for the unborn to not force them into being, which I see as an act of virtue.

Some things are not optional. Procreation is optional. Others are integral. I've resembled more of a hermit, and this isn't some hardening-off process. This doesn't make people "stronger", but "stranger". And "stranger" doesn't mean what you think. Your perspective changes. Critical experiences and growth is missed. Perspective advances, but not in a superior or inferior way. It goes into a twisted way... it shreds itself to pieces. It isolates. People aren't like Zarathustra. What this is is something sad. It's like watching a famished three-legged dog wander across an open field before collapsing in the grass as the sun rises. Honestly, you seem naive.

I'm not sure what sort of "truism" quest you advocate, but it sounds like a great way to get stuck in an intellectual masturbation. I'm too much of an intellectual lightweight to even have the audacity to mine for truths. There's only so much there. I have the gist of enough concepts to not need to look for "truths". As a person told me, "you've done enough thinking for a lifetime".

Kruger, i haven't read a more eloquent post than yours defaming everything and crucifying anything!

Well done!

But that still leaves us in a situation of helplessness



I've thought often about visiting a prostitute, but my heart hammers, my anxiety goes off the scale and I fail to make the phone call

What do you think?

An emotional life
An intellectual life
or a sexual life
?

I seek to understand the truths of human nature and the universe. Once, you come to the logical conclusion that life has not value nor meaning it is quite freeing as it allows one to seek want one want rather to give one's life to society. Just find something you want to do and do it.

The person who told you that BS about thinking is the truly depressed one. As it does not want to see the sham of life and society. Hence, riles on lies to live. Thus, reject your humanity and live as the master and not the slave obtain whatever truths you want to gain and did not live for others.