Confused. Is this domestic abuse or not?

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So me (aspie) and husband (non-aspie) separated a few weeks back.

He's been threatening me with different things - talking a relative out of being my rental guarantor so that I will continue to be homeless (been homeless for 2 wks now and counting); talking to officials that I'm unable to look after our child; talking to mental health pros that I am crazy and should be committed, this kind of severe stuff.

I also remembered something that I'd tried to forget, and quite successfully up until now. He's been physical towards me. Not like punching or anything, but just shoving me against the wall, shoving me on the bed, shoving me on the couch, and twisting my finger in argument situations. He also does this restraining thing where he takes my computer (noooo not the computer - that's just plain aspie torture right) and says I won't get it back now and it's His computer (he paid for it 2 years ago, but he bought it for me as I needed it for my work).

The number of the instances of physical violence have been around 10 so only one or two per year that we've been together. I've sort of brushed them off and forgotten about them, but it was only a few days back that I started to think 'hold on, isn't that supposed to be something that one's not allowed to do to their spouse'?

He also does this weird thing where if I'm having, say a panic attack or a pain in my stomach and can't walk, he gets really angry at me.

Otherwise he's Mr Supportive and has made it very clear that nobody had ever supported me before he came along. Which is perhaps true, but I am now thinking whether there's some dodgy manipulation going on underneath. It's as if he built up this picture over the years according to which I was incapable of doing anything practical and could not possibly function without him and of course no other man would ever tolerate me -- this has all been made clear to me, not just by him but my parents, and it's only recently that I've started to question this paradigm of my supposed powerlessness. I did live 4 years on my own quite successfully before Mr Wonderful came along to rescue me from myself and my horrible helplessness. #sarcasm

I just looked at the domestic abuse help website, and yes, indeed, there seems to be things that would fit the bill (about 50% of them listed at http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse ... -abuse.htm ). But I am confused. Because if this is abuse, how on earth did I not understand it before? Is this yet another naive-aspie kinda thing? Or am I overreacting and it's not too bad to be occasionally shoved/restrained by your spouse?

I'm feeling such relief currently staying in temporary accommodation realising I could go out NOW if I wanted to, like just to have tea in a pub or something. Not that I can be arsed, but the idea that I am allowed to go out feels kind of weird and new and refreshing. I'm still unsure whether I've mostly been trapped in my own head or actually coerced into locking myself at home with no life, against my own will.

Today we attempted to talk at a mediator due to the fact that we have a child. It went straight into a divorce horror scene. I brought up, for the first time in my life, the fact that he'd been physical towards me (and that he's sometimes physical towards our son). He kept denying it all and got very distressed and eventually admitted to it when we agreed on the definition of 'physical/violent'. No I've never had to go to the hospital or anything like that. But apparently shoving etc still counts as abuse?

After the session he went and called all of our close relatives telling what a crazy person I am saying these things. Surprisingly my parents actually wanted to hear my side of things -- this hasn't really happened before, as officially he's Mr Wonderful -- and became quite distressed upon realising that Mr Wonderful has been twisting my words and manipulating the facts when he's been telling them his side of things.

All in all I am confused, and unsure whether this is actually abuse or I am just overreacting or oversensitive. The recent threats have been the worst, though. But today I decided that two can play that game, and told him outright, when he threatened to f**k up my plans for my new apartment (by talking our relative out of being my guarantor), that if the relative doesn't become my guarantor, I will deal with a lawyer and take my legally entitled 50% share of his somewhat impressive fortune (who wants to join me on a holiday in the sun?!).

It was always obvious to me previously that he'd get 80-90% which is what is actually his investment into the house, savings, etc, and I didn't think I'd see the day when I start using the finances card, but hey ho, here we are. It actually gave me a sense of empowerment after all these horrible threats. As if it's not enough to leave me homeless and restrict my access to meeting our child, but he wants to keep me homeless forevermore. Well, thank goodness for the marriage laws. If he f***s about any more I will be known as one of those women who had a Very Successful Divorce, and one shall celebrate with champagne.

I never thought it would come to this. It's like from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf ...

What's this about then? Abuse or not abuse? What on earth is going on....

In New York City, this probably wouldn't be domestic assault unless he left a mark. It's harassment, though. If a cop came to your house, and he started mouthing off to them, he'd be taken away, probably. He'd be charged with harassment, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest, most likely.

I think, in other places, that it might be domestic "assault," especially in places where "assault" is the threat of "battery," and "battery" is the completed "assault."

I'm sorry you have such a creep for a husband!

I hope you'll find suitable living arrangements soon.

"If this is abuse, how come I didn't recognise it before". The short answer to that is that what is familiar to us can seem normal until we reach a point of greater knowledge or a place from which we have a fresh perspective.

One process very familiar to clinical psychologists is the tendency to be attracted to partners who represent the same difficult, unresolved (and often unconscious) issues we have faced in the past (usually with a parent). If these issues have been very traumatic, a process called "traumatic bonding" can occur - where you are unconsciously attracted to the very partners who will continue the same kind of damage - and because the feelings it recreates are familiar, it seems "normal".

If you think that this might have been what was going on for you, I suggest you start reading up about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and how to spot the classic signs of NPD in relationships, because it is unfortunately common for women with traumatic bonding issues to be unwittingly lured into relationships with narcissistic men.

The efforts he is making to control, manipulate and diminish you do sound like a NPD behaviour pattern. Take care; these people are very dangerous to your emotional and psychological well-being, their ego needs include destroying people who they consider are no longer subject to their will. Learn all you can, there is plenty of stuff online.

Thank you very much for your views.

It is so weird - a real paradigm change; and there's been many of those just recently! Starting from my Aspie self-diagnosis just 2 months ago (now officially verified).

The weird thing is that when I've tried to do the stuff he's always wanted me to do, like arrange my stuff, his behaviour has gotten not better but worse.

But a part of me thinks, surely this can't be happening? He is after all Mr Wonderful. Not that I'd want to be with him because it's just over in every possible way, but still - if I'd just been capable of being the kind of woman he wanted me to be, then it would have all been alright? (Not meaning to say I'm not happy about the divorce - because I am so happy and see this as the only way forward - but I mean, surely I should be the one blaming myself for failing this marriage?)

I find it hard to believe he's in the NPD spectrum - I know a bit about NPD - and sure, he's got some male ego issues and some inferiority complexes when he compares his achievements to mine, but... I'm sure there's that loving person underneath, still? Maybe he's just really messed up at the moment for some reason. Although if anyone suggested that to him he'd reply that he's messed up because his awkward wife has made him that way. And I used to agree and feel constantly sorry I wasn't up to his standards, except when I was, and then I'd be showered with love and affection.

He's such a wonderful person when anyone else is around, and everyone loves him. He's got a skill with people. I just find it hard to believe that he would not be the authentic, slightly eccentric person I always thought he was?

Does this mean there's no hope for friendship either? I actually am starting to feel really sorry for him and worried about him. If I was him and realised what I'd done, I'd be so horrified with myself I wouldn't know what to do - and this worries me. In a sense, I think, it's better he keeps hating me and thinking it's all my fault, because I don't want him to be plunged into a suicidal crisis or something; there's been glimpses of those before. He is mostly a very, very great father to our child - except when he does his physical punishment things which make me kind of freak out.

I hope he's going to stop threatening me and be reasonable from now on. He also has a habit with illegal drugs that I can use against him if needed, but going through custody war would be my very last option. I wouldn't even be thinking along these lines if it hadn't been for him threatening to take my child away from me and saying I'm an unfit mum cos I don't change bedsheets every month. It was kinda comedy gold when today at the mediator he plunged into explaining how HE did all the Christmas presents this year and even WRAPPED them all himself. Like, wow, what a hero, you deserve a medal. Sorry, that sounded really mean. I think he genuinely believes he's given everything to this marriage and can't see why on earth I just couldn't make it work...

It's so weird to have your world view turned upside down like this. I genuinely don't know him anymore at all, which makes me quite anxious, especially with regards to the potential consequences of his unpredictability regarding our child.

I really hope he can pull himself together, for the sake of himself and our child (and I wouldn't mind peace either). Any tips?

I understand you think he's a great guy.

But if he's trying to screw you the way he's trying to screw you--and he thinks up these things, I don't find that to be nice! I find this sort of behavior somewhat psychopathic, in fact. He's looking to salve his male ego by trying to screw you. Not friendship-type material, in my opinion.

yes, this is abuse according to AWARE, our local women's shelter and counseling service. you should get 50% and custody. his visitation should be supervised. kids who are physically disciplined have many short and long term negative effects: anxiety, anger, delinquency, obesity, cardiovascular disease, and arthritis. you are giving this manipulative guy way too much credit and too many chances.

To me, it is domestic abuse. However, it may not be enough to get him arrested (depending upon the laws where you are at). B19 is correct in that you can get used to abuse so much that you just do not see it as abnormal. This can happen at any level, be it an domestic situation or not.

Thank you for your views.

Thank you cathylynn. But everyone says he's such a great father. And he is, apart from that occasional corporeal punishment. Also, his dad used to do that to him, and his dad's dad did it to his dad and so forth...

Surely this Officially Wonderful Person is right and I'm the awkward defective weirdo? That's what I've thought anyway for a long time. Finding out I have ASD was a turning point, I realised I can't help myself, this is just the way I am. It gave me confidence and then I thought we could finally work our marriage troubles out, But all hell broke loose upon him finding out about my ASD - it's like it was his worst nightmare; that I would never change into this ideal that he could so clearly see I could be, with just a bit more effort.

I can't emphasise enough how much everyone loves him, he's one of those people who get along with everyone. This makes it hard to believe that ... that there's something else going on here.

I really worry about his mental health and our son of course adores him so he needs to somehow pull himself together. I worry that if I went for full custody it would absolutely devastate him and ruin his life, and also might be even worse for our son... Although I am really not sure what to think of anything anymore with regards to this 'family hell' situation.

That's why I believe there might be an element of socio-psychopathy in him. He's able to charm the pants off everybody--but he will do anything to screw you.

Obviously, I don't know for sure: I don't know the guy.

But, as you describe him, he seems almost a textbook case.

...and of course now I'm getting all the self-blame with regards to 'what the f**k have I been getting myself into for all these years'???

Maybe I am f*****g defective. Because if I wasn't I wouldn't have ended up in this situation?

Oh great, the old self-esteem troubles, always when you think you've managed to work through them then when something like this happens they come flooding back...

I must be a really terrible person. I'm sure I've done something wrong if this is really the situation I've been in and put our child in.

I must have gotten it wrong. What the f**k is wrong with me.

Don't stomp on yourself.

I don't think you got duped. I just think you got involved with somebody--perhaps by mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. You have to move on. If you hate yourself, you'll never recover.

If you hate yourself, you'll be a poor mother to your kids as well. You have to gain perspective. You have to move on. You have to learn lessons. You have to evolve as a person.

No, this is not "positive thinking," it's how you endure life!! !!

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 20 Jan 2015, 7:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TL:DR Yeah... I stopped at "dodgy manipulation" because that's exactly what it is. Violence supports nothing. Not sure what illegal drugs you're writing about but if it's anything beyond marijuana you should factor that in up front.

You didn't place your child in this situation, his/her father did. Viewed on the basis of a timeline, this doesn't sound nearly as insane as the way my parents went about things.

I agree with the previous comments, that this sounds like psychopathic and/or narcissistic behavior. And yes, it is abuse. Not just the physical things he has done, but the rest of it too...putting all of it in context together. This is a pattern of abusive behavior.

As for why you didn't see it...anyone can fall under the spell of a narcissist. But especially so if you have a tendency to find fault with yourself, because that is the very trait they can exploit the most. They have a way of deflecting things back to you that makes you question yourself and wonder what you did wrong, instead of seeing what they are doing. It's like sleight of hand, or a Jedi mind trick.

A person who operates this way can still have a lot of good qualities. And they can treat you well at times. In fact they can treat you so well that it seems almost unreal. They can be very charming. And they can turn it on and off when it suits them. They can seem like two different people.

No. No. NO. Don't hope for this. If it happens, great, but don't expect it and don't hope for it. Cover all your bases, legally and otherwise. I am breaking my posting sabbatical to write this, because it really alarms me that he has threatened you, and has been trying to manipulate other people into thinking whatever crap he says about you. I would take these things VERY seriously. Be prepared to fight back, and get as many people as you can in your corner to fight for you too.

Also be VERY careful about being in any situation where he could harm you physically. Stay safe.

Hi Dianthus....Glad to see you!

I remember when I was 15 years old and I was punished for no good reason. I was confined to my room for a whole week!

Fortunately, I had a cat named Zum Zum keep me company. She was a really spoiled Persian--but she wiped my tears with her tongue.

I know you're upset right now. Divorce, with kids, is not an easy thing for anybody. But, at least, you have the opportunity to move on from that guy, and begin to live a new life.