Living with a depressed, anxious person?

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Some support literature describes it as suffering in silence; I know it is difficult for the partner/family. I am curious about the impact living with a depressed/anxious person has on their significant others?

I’m asking because I did not seek treatment for depression and anxiety for prolonged period, I knew I wasn't healthy, but I did not recognise how depressed I was, or how incredibly anxious I had become. I lived with someone who believed that anxiety and depression are hokum; that you pull yourself out of the rut and get on with life, with minimal assistance.

What would a regular/supportive reaction be?

I believe a person should listen to what the depressed person has to say, and to at least try to show that he/she at least sympathizes with that person. The "listener" should not dismiss the person or his/her symptoms outright.

Obviously, the "listener" is not in the depressed person's shoes--so the "speaker" should not expect the "listener" to have a complete understanding. However, the sympathetic/empathetic listener is making an attempt to understand; that should be acknowledged by the "speaker."

Instead, frequently the "speaker" lambastes the "listener" for "not understanding what I'm going through. You could never understand. You've never been depressed; how could you understand?" This leaves both the "speaker" and the "listener" at an impasse. Nothing could be accomplished that way. It makes it very difficult for both parties.

No matter what the "speaker" might think, there are solutions. I believe both parties should attempt to find a solution, rather than allow the "speaker" to become complacent in his/her depression. This should be done while acknowledging, fully the "speaker's" depression.

All in all, I believe in taking a "reality-testing" approach.

Okay, there are some gaps in what should have happened, on both sides, unfortunately I can tick dismissal, limited attempt to understand, lambasting, possibly became complacent in my depression, depression not acknowledged.
Its irreversibly gone south.
CBT seems to offer the reality-testing you refer to.

Maybe a not-so-formalized CBT.

Reality-testing based upon the objective observation of both parties.

Not in the form of "therapy"--in the form of "consensus," instead.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 23 Jan 2015, 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Informal CBT? Counseling with CBT? Not sure what you mean.

Using, informally, principles of CBT within the context of both of your lives.

Not therapy, per se.

There is no clinician/patient relationship. It's a relationship between two equals. Making use, informally, of the principles of CBT.

I'm depressed and chronically anxious and no one can live with me. I've accepted it. I wouldn't want to live with me either.
Regarding the "pull yourself out of it" suggestion, that's as silly as telling someone to pull themselves out of a broken leg. Sometimes a person needs the help of others.

Kraftie, I think I get what your saying, it doesn't quite make sense to me though, Ill have to sleep on that suggestion.

I think I make other people anxious, or trigger any underlying anxiety they have.
I'm in somewhat calmer company these days, but I think I'm noticing that I make them anxious, despite doing my best to not be irritated about little things like noises, maybe I'm not so good at hiding it.

With depression I tried to explain that its not a choice, not a simple happy/sad feeling, I used the broken leg analogy, I tried to explain so much, but my communication abilities were limited at the time, in hindsight that didn't help, regardless he viewed it as a choice I was making.

Last edited by Amity on 23 Jan 2015, 8:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nice good you're rid of him.

I believe in the principles of CBT.

However, you folks are in a relationship. Obviously, it would be ridiculous if one person took on the role of therapist and one of patient.

I meant CBT modified to a methodology that could be used by people who have a relationship on the basis of equality. Rendered in informal, everyday language. Making use of the physical world around them. Making use of the objective (as much as possible) observation of both people.

This is the way I like to operate. I have a CBT-type mindset.

There is no such thing as objective observation.

As objective as possible.

We are officially separated. I'm looking back, trying to make some sense of it all, also cementing certain sensible decisions and attempting to learn from mistakes.
Equality and objectivity were not present for the last few years, it is a pity, we were quite good together for the earlier years.

I think it is unnatural for relationships to last a lifetime. Better, I think, to enjoy the time you enjoy together, and move on when it's done. Trying to recapture the past is depressing.

You were discussing your separation while you were talking to us?

You did pretty well, "thinking on your feet!"

It sure is and an impossible feat. I kinda grew up with the marriage is forever catholic ethos, I knew one kid in my whole childhood whos parents were separated, not even divorced. Even now, I don't know anyone who is divorced. That must seem nuts to people from other countries but you know, I was never conventional, so here is another taboo from me to get the 'tongues wagging'.


Yes, I couldn't articulate what was happening, there was/is so much i don't understand, except that it had become harmful.