A short story by my Girlfriend

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Hya, long time no post here.

My GF Hila also dxed with AS loves to writes stories. She asked me to post her story here as we are both writing this very thread. She would be very grateful for your comments and opinions Thanks



***

Antarctica

There’s a guy in our town who thinks he is the greatest inventor to ever exist.
He’s sort of a crazy fellow.
My sister fell for him once and they were in love for a long time. They were getting along very well until one day he screamed at her intensely because she told him he had no idea what he’s talking about. His name is Ari, Her name is Rina and my name’s Sa’rit.

Many years passed and my sister isn’t 20 anymore. She has children and she hadn’t seen him ever since. The incident between the two was long forgotten.
One day she was alone in her house because her husband went with the girls to the park for a little while – so she cooked dinner. Suddenly, somebody knocked on the door. Rina did not expect visitors so she wondered whoever it might be.
She opened the door only to discover Ari standing behind it. Ari of age 20, whom she loved more than anything.

“Ari?”
“Yes?”
“What… What are you doing here?”
“I have come to take you”.
“WHAT have you come to do!?”
“I have come to take you.”
“Where to?”
“To Antarctica.”

Ari was always a whacko, but now he was even more.

“Come again?”
“To Antarctica!”
“I do not understand. You said you would take me to…. Where?”
“Yes!! There’s a train station there that yours truly invented.”
“What? Ari? You’re nuts. You didn’t invent any train station.”
“Yes I did. Come with me and I’ll show you”.
“I don’t want to go there, Ari, I do NOT.”
“Why? You’ll like it. They have snow and little penguins there, especially at this time of the year! You really don’t want to be there in the winter.”
“Are you mad? I won’t go with you”.
“Call me tomorrow and tell me your decision, will you? I really want you with me.”
“Okay.”

When my sister told me about that, I lol’d.
When my sister told her husband about that, he lol’d.
When my sister told our folks about that, they lol’d.
When my sister told her girlfriends about that, they lol’d.
It instantly became a ‘family and friends’ joke.


The following morning, she forgot to call Ari about her decision. Ari was insulted, so he came to her house to see why she didn’t talk to him.
“…. Because I don’t want to go there, Ari! You can’t take me there, you’re nuts! That’s what you are. You don’t know what you’re blabbing about. Antarctica is not a place that you visit”, She sighed. –“Get out!”

How did I get into this mess what does he want from me why am I guilty for that idiot wanting my company why did he come here how did he become so crazy that he wants to take me to…. Sigh!

Ari called her the same evening to hear her answer regarding the trip.

“Okay”
“What okay?”
“I’ll come with you”
“Really?!”
“Yeah, really. Just let’s get this over with.”
“Bring warm cloths; we will meet at my place tomorrow. Bring gloves and thermic pants, all that shizzle, because it’s cold in Antarctica.”

When my sister told me about that, I lol’d.
When my sister told her husband about that, he lol’d.
When my sister told our folks about that, they lol’d.
When my sister told her girlfriends about that, they lol’d.
It instantly became a ‘family and friends’ joke.

The Next day, Rina forgot to go to Ari’s for the Antarctica tour, so he came with his winter clothing in the midst of the summer to take her house.

“I’m not sure I want to go.”
“You’ll have a swell time, I already told you! Penguins, Aurora, Snow, a different continent. You have nothing to lose.”
“Alright.”

And they went together to Ari’s house. They entered a room in which there was a small, red train that looked like a roller coaster with rail tracks.

“Come, here, sit”.

They sat closely to one another and their coats briefly touched – Red and purple.

“Actually, I don’t know”.
“You said you want to! Now you can’t undo the ride, sorry”.
“Okay”.

They put on seat belts, lowered the safety bar, Ari pushed the red button…..
And they rode together to Antarctica.

***

It's beautiful. Teen drama-esque, but beautiful. your girlfriend will love it.

My one criticism is that it is more 'telling' than 'showing in its narration. Don't be offended though because I have great difficulty with it in my writing as well, the focus is always on the character without much emphasis on action or scenery. I'm not sure if its an aspie thing but the mise en scéne is lost in most autistic writing that I've read is a little lacklustre. Granted I read mostly just blogs and stuff rather than proper novels, I did read 'The curious incident of the dog in the nightime' but i don't remember its style too well as it was a few years back.

Constructively it just needs a little more scene padding, describe the characters in ways that express their identity. It might be a bit cheesy at first but remember even writers like Dickens used something as simple as a character's name to identify their general persona (Mr Choakumchild, utilitarian head teacher -Hard Times). Showing is all about putting out the pieces and letting the reader assemble them, that way it incorporates their own imagination into the characters and helps bring them to life.

Good luck for the future though, its just a matter of time and practise.

Aperta Verbum
http://apertaverbum.weebly.com/