Complex history of transsexualism

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Well, looking at my experience as not exactly the most passable trans woman, but knowing I don't come across as some sort of fetishist, either, I have never had trouble using the women's bathroom. There was one time I tried using the men's, but was told to use the women's. Nevertheless, at work, I was required to stick with the gender neutral restroom, which could be quite inconvenient at times. (Had I had multiple restrooms I could go, I would walk quickly to another if one was filled up, as I tend to be a mover, anyway.) If I'm with a relative, though, I would be less comfortable using it. During the times I was hospitalized after starting hormones and going "full-time," I was always placed with the men, but still given hormones. The men always seemed to be confused about me and once one asked how I thought being placed with the men instead of the women and I told him my feelings on the issue were complex.

I am currently stuck in a pre-op state, which I would like to end ASAP. Unfortunately, denial by insurance which doesn't cover it caused my mental state to deteriorate, because I, and the lawyers from the TLDEF and TLC, thought it would be covered. The disappointment was too much and I am now on SSDI. Maybe I can return to work. AT&T is often hiring for call center jobs, pretty much the only type of job I know I can do when I'm well, and their insurance covers it, per the Corporate Equality Index.

My gender identity history is complex. I had cross-gender feelings as early as age 6, but I wasn't a particularly feminine child. Despite that, prior to puberty filling me out around age 16, I was often called gay or queer by others. I remember considering that I could have just been gay in elementary school, but then I noted, No, this is different. I was in special ed for pretty much all of elementary and middle school and it was a total disaster when I was completely mainstreamed for a semester and a couple weeks in 8th grade. After that, my thinking started getting funny, until by June 1998, when I was 14, I thought I was truly Sephiroth, a male character BTW, and was receiving messages from another world to rule this world. I began acting on my delusions in, er, unacceptable ways in late July, right after I had been re-admitted to a mainstream school BTW (which along with the delusions I had fought so hard for), and was hospitalized for 6 months, but they weren't sure if I was psychotic, 'cause I mostly kept my mouth shut about the delusions (as I didn't trust that they would understand like I did, that they would not understand the importance of my mission and would just label me schizo or something), and they ruled out bipolar disorder, so they went with schizotypal personality disorder + Asperger's syndrome, a rare combination I hear.

While in the hospital, I watched the original Ace Ventura movie, the one with the former NFL kicker who pretty much gets changed over to a woman to infiltrate a police force in order to get back at Dan Marino for something about laces. Well, this NFL kicker was also in a mental hospital. With that, I began to associate my feelings about my gender identity with mental illness, and sought to put both behind me. I made a remarkable recovery from psychosis and didn't even need meds after a while. Unfortunately, even before I could finish high school, I could not ignore the gender identity feelings. I saw, then, however, how difficult transition was, especially in this country where it's not covered. I knew that deep down my success in recovery was due to avoiding stress as much as possible. I knew I could not leave the nest yet and knew that until my late 20s. In my mid-20s, though, I went for transition, fearing the effects of any more masculinization.

Social functioning has always been my weak point, and my parents haven't been the most supportive. In fact, my dad used a statement I made when I was 15/16 when I said I wanted to put all that behind me to say that meant throwing away my boyhood/manhood, when in reality I meant throwing away my transsexualism, which always comes back.

Transition has been hard, but I find male hormones to be toxic, and I still hate my genitals in their current configuration, the same as I hated them as a kid.