I feel like I am losing my religion. Not God, but my mantra to always keep on going. Keep fighting to get a good education and good job I enjoy. I used to be a dropout of college due to my ASS that was not diagnosed that time. I made wrong descisions back then. Then I became a computer operator. Those jobs basically don't exist anymore. It is taken over by automated jobs and monitoring. Then I became a support engineer at a helpdesk. I studied Library sciences meanwhile but those jobs are dead to due to the internet and if they exist it is just not making even a basic salary here. Then I studied to become a programmer but my carreer is just stuck. It was a short education track and it got me started at first but it ended up in a messy carreer. I am 36 years old now and am a consultant but my jobs nowadays tend to be testing, support and from time to time a meaningless website with some small apps. I always felt I could do more. I started university courses to get an academic bachelor of science in Computer Science and some courses in environmental science because I am interessted in nature and biology. I hope to become an eco-informatics specialist one day. But it is so hard to keep on going. I did maybe 10 courses out of 42 and got 84% on average on those exams. But i did 5 years for this since I also have a wife, a child, a FT job, animals to care for, a house to take care of, ASS and OCD. I now work with colleagues of 24 years old, earning more money than me. They think I'm an old guy. I had a reunion with previous collegues and they litteraly said ' you nevver gonna earn your degree before retirement'. They never had a degree on anything which made me laught but it had a bittes taste thinking on their remark. They just might be right. They once proposed a job as team leader but people management is not my thing.
I feel like just letting it go. Go for work from 9 to 5 and doing my own things and enjoy life in my spare time. Taking walks, painting, etc. I am a thinker and I enjoy studying but at the end of the day it brought me nothing but lousy jobs, a life without spare time, laughs from colleagues and frustration.
If I could start over, I wished I could, I would have followed my heart and became a biologist. Back then they did not encouraged me enough saying it was not obvious considering my high school education to go to university. But appearantly I can do it. And could have done it. But I can't do that now since university won't accept part time students. Or maybe I wanted to become a painter. I really like to paint but making a living of it seems a very hard job and those painters are an exception.
It seems tempting to be a 9 to 5 worker with a lousy job and feel fine with it. Enjoy the sun in spring, enjoy nature on my walks, horsebackriding, painting,etc. But I keep doing that for a couple of weeks and then I pick up my books again and start studying again, I start to be involved in work again, I start to read again about computerstuff after seeing a documentary. Maybe I just start dreaming again. Dreaming of a carreer that will probably never come. And I dream at night about not being prepared for the exam. Being the only one that has studied nothing and failed. Those nightmare keep on coming. Sometimes every night.
How do I get out of this treadmill? Did anyone else had the same problem and what did get you out of it?
04 Mar 2015, 9:39 am
