'Coming out' as autistic to friends & family is a nightmare

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Hey all. I'm new here, so forgive the block of text

So I have always had difficulties - constantly crying/antisocial child, physically & verbally bullied by everyone my age from grades K-8, absolutely hopeless socially, subject to meltdowns, hating physical contact, *really* uncoordinated, *really* forgetful, etc. etc. etc. When I was 15, I figured out it was probably aspergers, but because I am from an old-school greek family & have trauma issues from the bullying, my family told me that I was just being greek & overthinking. I'm now 19 and have been diagnosed with lvl 1 ASD, ADHD & dyspraxia. My parents have finally accepted the diagnosis, and are really supportive of me now that they know I am not just very immature and lazy. Plus they're actually exploring the fact that about half the family has it, which might explain why there's more drama than a soap opera going on.

The problem is that i seem very normal and can put on a good act. I often look more eccentric and introverted, and all my problematic behaviour occurs when I'm at home. I'm starting to have these really awful conversations with my extended family & close friends where I have to argue that I have issues & to the severity they are. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I've been told 'it's normal to be shy and awkward', that 'I'm sure if you put anyone in front of a psychologist they would have autism', 'so-and-so is on crutches/whatever and doesn't fall over', 'you need to just start trying to be social/remember things/stop procrastinating', and that I am being 'immature and attention-seeking' when having a meltdown (I stop speaking, lose motor skills and tend to break stuff).

I hate these conversations. They are upsetting, and leave me frustrated and invalidated by whoever I have it with, who are usually important people to me. I don't want to have to argue about how f*****g disabled I am, because I am pretty f*****g competent in other areas. They either end up thinking I am overthinking, or am as functional as a brick wall by the end of it. Part of it might be down to the fact IDK if I do a decent job of describing HF autism.

Have you guys had these conversations? Is there a way of phrasing the whole 'I'm autistic' thing so that they get a clear idea and don't launch onto this tirade about how 'normal' & confused I am? I do want them to understand my behaviour as part of a manageable condition rather than rudeness and immaturity/attention-seeking

I always had this type of conversations
when I lost hope I stopped trying to convince people, I stopped caring if people would believe me or not
as long as I do know myself and what I'm going through it doesn't matter if they did

for my surprise, people started believing me when I stopped asking them to.
many of them -at least those around me- think that talking about something means liking it
that we say what we say because we are attention seeking or drama queens or whatever.
so they are more likely to believe things we stop telling them about.

I really hope they start understanding you and that they start learning and reading about it.

I know you're frustrated. It's common though, what you're describing. Sometimes people just want to argue, and they want to be right.

Disclosing other than to professionals is rarely beneficial. If you disclose and someone argues, though, I think the most effective response is to say thank you for your understanding and acceptance. Then smile and try to feel grateful that they are t seeing you as that different, rather as a normal person. It encourages them to treat you a bit more like a person when the inevitable misunderstandings occur when they've committed to saying that's what you are, normal if only_____and you can refocus on "yes I missed that, I'm glad you can see past that, right?"

LOL..my mother insists that I'm not Autistic; I only have a "mild case of Asperger's." She's a psychotherapist.

I think a part of the problem is that when you mention autism or aspergers, people automatically think of the worst case scenario, and compare that to you. They don't understand that there are different levels. I have found the best way is to say you have been diagnosed, and when you look up the symptoms alot of them are true for you. And also to take an approach like it's no big deal. I find as soon as you start explaining it as a big problem, people will always try to downplay it (because of the first thing I said, OR because they want to help you with confidence and such).

What you said is absolutely true, Regulator.

Absolutely. When I was diagnosed a year ago, only my friend was supportive (and, much much later, my new boss who was told by upper management). My mom insisted I couldn't have it because "people with autism don't have feelings", my sister told me that I didn't have Autism cause Autism and Aspergers were completely different, my dad argued with the diagnosis and said the symptoms don't match, etc. That's why I don't tend to tell anyone unless I have to. I'd rather just be the odd person who says weird stuff every so often (unless I'm forced in a corner).

As Regulater touched upon, no one seems to know exactly what ASD is and the symptoms of it and that makes it extremely hard to tell people because the public image of ASD is a silent person rocking in a corner. With Aspergers, you really do seem normal to people on the outside especially with late diagnosis because you've learned coping mechanisms and mimic neurotypical behavior to fit in and people don't tend to see the symptoms of it because of how introverted we are. They don't have to experience sensory overload when they're in a crowded room or when people touch you. They don't get that each social interaction seems to be like a battle with yourself most of the time because you have to keep a modicum of "normality" despite the feeling of wanting to just be free to say and do what you want. They don't have to feel the overwhelming fatigue of a social outing or the sting of not being able to tell if your friends are mad at you or there's just a lull in the conversation.

I had to sit down with my family and explain that what I have is like a different way of thinking with it's own set of challenges to overcome. I try to avoid the term "disabled" and "disability" because, even though it may be fitting, when they hear the term they instantly go into defense mode. You CAN'T be disabled because you've been normal all these years. You're not in a wheelchair. You're not in a hospital bed. You have all your limbs. And so on because that's what they think of when they hear disabled. I try to talk about it in a positive light too because I am proud to be an Aspie (despite all the challenges it's brought). If they see you talking it up like it's a good thing, they'll be less likely to argue about it, especially since they're likely only subjected to ASD being negative. Besides, the diagnosis is a good thing since you are now self aware and no longer have to worry about whats causing them.

Best of luck and I hope your family understands!

I have been fortunate enough to have a family that supports me, so I cannot truly empathise with you. I can only give you this one piece of advice: ignore the naysaying of those ultracrepidarians.

I don't plan on coming out to the general public, because they don't understand Autism spectrum disorders, and as other posters have mentioned, the general public tends to think of all of us like the worst case ones that get in the news for doing bad things. I have no wish to be thought of that way, so I will be keeping it private. I have only shared it with immediate family. My father was initially in denial. Now he sort of believes me, but doesn't really understand what it is, and doesn't see why I can't just fix it. I am in my mid fifties, and have been this way all my life. There is no "fix" for this, just coping methods. My father is around 90 now, so I can't expect him to understand and accept my condition at this point in his life, in spite of all the shrinks he took me to as a kid, and all the meds they had me on--which didn't help, and the special school I went to for several years. Autism spectrum conditions weren't recognized back then. Kids in the classic Autism area of the spectrum were often labeled at mentally handicapped, or something similar. Those of us with Asperger's were labeled as having behavior problems. The more modern, and more accurate diagnoses available now, is still too new for people like my father to fully grasp. There's nothing I can do to fix his situation, any more than he can fix me, so we are stuck with the situation.

I got all that abuse around the house growing up, but when I was finally diagnosed, and they came to understand what AS meant, I think my folks actually felt a little bad about having given me such a hard time all my life, because my parents knew full well when I was a child, that I had issues socializing. They bent over backwards trying to "fix" me. Since autism was unheard of back then, and I had no intellectual impairment, then it was just a personality flaw and I could get better if I tried hard enough. The stock answer I got when I tried to tell them I couldn't do what they were insisting I do, was: "Can't never could."

Yeah, well, turns out sometimes Can't really can't, because Can't has a neurological defect.

So combine my lifelong isolation with my spotty job history and the fact that they'd had to repeatedly bail me out of crises over the years, while my younger sister grew up to be perfectly competent, by the time I was diagnosed, it wasn't hard for them to believe I had a real disability. In fact, they're the only people who have been really accepting and understanding of it.

I think its easier to accept that its a disability when you watch someone continually fall on their face for 50 years, then somebody says "You know why he's so clumsy? Brain damage." At that point, its kind of a eureka moment. Of course! why didn't we think of that? Duh.

OTOH, the rest of the world has not been so understanding. Plenty of other people have given me the ol' "You're too normal to have autism" and "C'mon, we all experience that" and "You're just shy, you need to push yourself harder" and my favorite, the silently judgmental smile and nod that means You whiny loser, that's just an excuse. There's nothing wrong with you except that you're an annoying freak.

The true irony is, its the very people who insist there's nothing wrong with you they can't fix, who will end up screaming in your face "Why can't you just be like everybody else!?"

Uhm, I believe I answered that already.

When I told my parents I thought I had ADHD: Errr, umm, maybe.....

When I told my parents I thought I had Aspergers: Oh yea, we didnt know what it was called [my parents are immigrants] but now that you told us, we agree that you totally have that

If I told someone , I would not act as there are any major issues with it (although it wouldn't pretend there isn't any either), that I just think differently - if I tell people in this way, they are usually like: "oh okay, that's interesting" and leave it as it is. Specifically telling someone to imply that you have a problem and that you expect them to approach you differently because of said problem will almost always raise objections in my opinion. One poster mentioned that once you stop asking them to believe you, they will start to believe you- totally agree with this statement. I would ensure that you don't come off as trying hard to convince them to agree with you that you have Aspergers, but just talk about it casually in a matter of fact way.

If, I really wanted to convince someone, I would do I really do it in a way that pre-empts any objections they may have. I would say... it's actually interesting because I've considered for some time whether I have it or not, because I can act fairly normal up to a certain extent, but I feel that I definitely have it because of reason 1,2,3.

Also, since you know what objections people have, you can start to structure solid responses to them (examples below):

'it's normal to be shy and awkward' - yes its true. It would be better if I were not shy or awkward, but those are not my main concerns; my main concerns are x,y,z (e.g. my meltdowns, my extreme aversion to physical contact, my extraordinary difficulty to conceptualize what other people are thinking in real time) that extend far beyond any definition of mere "awkwardness" and are definitely not normal

'I'm sure if you put anyone in front of a psychologist they would have autism' - when I mentioned the psychologist I am only adding professional authority to what I already knew was true - I dont think I have autism because a psychologist diagnosed me, I know I have autism because x,y,z

'you need to just start trying to be social/remember things/stop procrastinating' - I totally agree with you that I do, and I'm trying hard in this respect. I'm just trying to communicate that these activities are much harder for me naturally, and it takes me much longer to achieve them.

'immature and attention-seeking' [this is difficult]- It's very difficult to communicate to you why this comes out like this, but I can assure you that the last thing I want during a meltdown is attention. I also do understand that it may come off as immature, but trust me when I say that, I never wish that I have a meltdown, and for all purposes its out of my control once I'm in that mode, even though it may seem to you like I hold the choice of being "in control"

'so-and-so is on crutches/whatever and doesn't fall over' - I want you to be aware that I stumble, not fear that I may fall over. I understand that physical disabilities are extraordinarily crippling, and I am not trying to compare what I have with that.

The only person I've talked with about this is my wife and my shrink. I haven't told anyone else. I'm just, not ready yet. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I have a tendency to dine and dash, I'll stay long enough for the meal at family functions then bolt away. It used to make my wife upset, and I couldn't explain why I just couldn't stay any longer, but now that she knows she's a lot more understanding. As for everyone else, that's just a quirk in my personality.

I think this is a bigger question of how different cultures perceive Aspie types.

From what I have read about Greek culture, they have always embraced Aspie types with no need to diagnose or "fix" them. Even in ancient Greece, they understood that there was some link between "being shy and awkward" and extreme talents and gifts, but they embraced it and focused on the gifts, the positive side. Perhaps Plato and Ptolemy would have been seen as autistic in modern times and thrown in a mental hospital, but back then they were revered to the utmost and also protected, for their minds.

Modern day America is different. Old Greece is a culture based on deep emotions and thoughts; modern day America is a culture based on shallow sex appeal and manufactured mass media. Which one would a shy and awkward but otherwise honest and intelligent person be more accepted in? Independent intellect and creativity are not valued at all, which is why things are so difficult for us - our weaknesses are ever present with no recognition of those special strengths.

Your family has your absolute best interests in mind. They love you for who you are and they don't need some third party coming in and telling them about you who they gave birth to and raised - you might understand that when you get older. Your AS diagnosis will help you in school and perhaps understand yourself a little bit, but now that you're 19 and entering adulthood it will matter less and less each year you get older and if it damages relations with people who love you, my honest advice would be to keep it to yourself more.