My Mother Wont Listen!

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So yet again, I tried to broach the subject of my probably havin Aspergers... her response? 'You were a perfectly normal little girl who talked to everyone... in fact, we had trouble getting you to shut up', 'you were an outgoing little girl', 'Why do you have to have a label?', 'There was nothing abnormal about you'. She did not want to listen when I told her that having Aspergers does not= being non communicative and withdrawn...from what I hear, it can also mean being over affectionate, over talkative... I was controlling and bossy, she says and other children didn't like that.

I asked her when I started talking...very early, she says and was walking at 11 months... neither me or my brother crawled...we both just went straight to walking. I read very early also she says. Could write my name before I started school as she taught me. All little girls collect my little ponies and barbies etc etc. She says I was always asking questions about things, like how a snail gets its shell etc. Now I am angry and confused as to me, everything fits, but she doesn't see it. I changed at 11, she says...was outgoing until then, and had a few friends...all kids are bullied, she says, even tho I was a target at every school I went to. But because I talked so much no one could get a word in, and because i was all over the place and naughty(I ran down corridors and swung round poles etc), I was 'normal' and cannot possibly have aspergers.

Why can my parents not be more supportive?

Because it is a sign of something wrong with them (to them). If they believe that it is genetic, they might see it as blame. If not, they probably see it as something that they instilled in you. It is just their defence mechanisms. Luckily, my adolescence was traumatic enough that my folks new that there was SOMETHING wrong with me. But I'm probably a lot more screwed up than you (not just AS).

That's my take on it, too; parents usually feel like you're blaming them in some way,if you say that you may be an Aspie. When I brought it up to my mother, I got the same sort of responses. Like, the fact that she insisted that I was "very intelligent", had a high IQ, and was just "very particular" about things like colors and texture of clothing, instead of having sensory issues. It's maddening, but they won't agree because they think they are admitting that they failed us in some way, I guess.

It's been two years since I was diagnosed, and my parents still see it as their fault, like if they had done some things differently, I wouldn't have had Aspergers. They also think of it as a sort of social stigma, something to be pushed under the rug. In fact, during my obsession with ASDs which has waned a bit, they actually forbade me to speak of autism in the house!
Bizzare, I know, but somehow they think that's treatment for it.

I became anorexic at 13, I was self harming at 11, I stayed in my room all the time from 13/14 on, and smashed things and did all kinds.. I had child sexual abuse to contend with, not just bulling and AS. There were plenty of signs things werent right but it was all blamed on the sexual abuse.

Now I am left questioning my own conviction of my having as because I wasnt a quiet, cold, withdrawn little thing like she seems to think aspergers people are.

Exactly. She probably feels that it somehow reflects poorly on her.
I personally can't understand why anyone would feel that way, except perhaps out of ignorance.
IMHO aspies are way more interesting and have way more substance than NTs.
My daughter is 13 months old, and has been walking and talking for several months and loves to paint and dance and play instruments whereas the other babies her age are just taking their first steps and saying their first words. I think aspies are incredibly gifted, and can't understand why anyone wouldn't be proud to have a child like that.
I think it's just ignorance in society. Most people haven't heard of Asperger's and when they hear "autism" they think of Rain Man. It's disappointing. It will get better eventually, we've just got to work on spreading awareness.

The problem is, I convinced myself that all aspie kids, even when little are withdrawn and quiet etc, even though I have read evidence to the contrary...maybe I need to find out from the parents forum if this is the case? She just cannot accept I could be anything but normal, albeit highly intelligent and lively and naughty as a child because I was that outgoing and full of life. I had a few friends I spent time with, so she says I had friends, but she didnt see te bullying I had at school.

That is a common assumption by professionals and friends/family alike that child traumatic events such as sexual abuse are "the cause of all your problems".

AS and PTSD symptoms can superficially look similar in some ways, especially social withdrawal, lack of social skills, emotional problems, OCD etc etc.

BUT you will know yourself what is a result of your child sexual abuse and what is AS. the abuse will effect the way you thinkabout certain distinct and usually identifiable issues, eg fear of men, or touching for example.

Having had child sexual abuse myself i know how confusing it can be. The results of the abuse may well make some of your AS symptoms worse. IE more reasons to not learn social skills etc.

you need to sort out the issues in your head and then try and get a proffesional to understand that too!! It is way too easy for them to jump to conclusions that the abuse caused all of it.

Thats how it can be quite common for people with AS to get different DX's over the years. You may very well find they try and DX borderline personality disorder or similar. Thats what they say ive got despite me ripping thier DX to shreds against the ICD-10 criteria. Athough i dont think they appreciated me picking them to pieces face to face. What did they expect when many of the criteria they DX'd me with were blatently untrue!! ! quite simply they hadnt bothered to check!!

Haha, they did Dx me with bpd, lol. And it is so very obvious it was totally wrong. I cannot think how they could just pin that on me without seeking to explore further? I have assessments coming up, both locally here, and with Baron Cohen's team, so I am hoping they will be an improvement...hell, I am hoping they wont even ask about other diagnoses, though I am sure they will...question is, do I admit the bpd dx, or not mention it... it doesn't appear to be on my records.

I assume you went to a child psychologist as well. In which case part of the issue is that they were probably told that you were normal, except for the abuse. Given that we don't really know all that much about Asperger's this might actually be the case. I suspect that there are a lot of people out there who would be diagnosed, but have no real difficulties, so they aren't. Sort of a matter that aspies are more fragile to certain kinds of trauma, and revert to what is most natural to them when they can't face some issues.

Sounds like my childhood...and my family

I am a recovered self-injurer and anorexic, who was raped at age 11.

I am *diagnosed* with aspergers, and mum will not admit this. Mothers see their daughters as a reflection of themselves. I think that's what they are so quick to criticize their own daughters in ways they never would a strangers...they are pointing out the things they see in you that they wish they could change in themselves. (But that's another topic all together )

Anyhow, my mother is *not* one of the people who do not think aspergers exists...my cousin has it and she admits that, same with her brother. But not me...don't you dare try to mention to her that her daughter has it! (Because it's bad enough that I am epileptic, you know)

Come to think of it...she doesn't admit the epilepsy either...Whenever asked, I don't drive because I "Choose not to" or to "save money"

I fail to understand why these conditions are seen as so shameful that they are too horrible for a mother to admit. It's almost insulting.

It is frustrating as I was closer to her than my father as a little girl, even though she could be very unpleasant to me at times... I just WANT to be able to be myself with her, and talk about these things and about how I see everything, but she is so determined to see this whole 'normal' and 'abnormal' thing, and retain her image of me as this perfect, normal little girl...why should having AS make me any less perfect?

I was close to my mother when younger. She knows that I'm a mess, but always wants me on drugs. My dad at least understands my aversion to giving up my brain.

Some say having AS makes you more perfect (If you think about the positive aspects that is).

This thread is an interesting one, I too have some difficulties with my mother's attitude. She believes it's a condition you can switch on and off at will, and that I do so.
She didn't tell me about the condition until a couple of years ago (I'm 26 now) leading me to spend my life wondering why I was so different to everyone else - a distressing wonder as I'm sure some of you can relate to.
She justified not telling me with "I didn't want you using the condition as an excuse to get out of things". an excuse?!

I believe the reason parents/mothers won't accept it is partly because they think they caused it, and partly because they don't understand and don't want to understand it. I think because it's not a disability you can see (like paralysis/wheelchair) and because it's not something you can absolutely define, they either think it doesn't exist or think it's some sort of preventable evil disease.

What bugs me the most about my mother is whilst she's demanding I don't use it as an excuse, she does so as and when she deems it necessary:
Her sister visited recently and I refused to sit in a room with her, her sister and her brother in law whilst they very loudly chatted about some irrelevant crap whilst continually smoking cigarettes that I'm sensitive to (not in a medical way, just that smell). I got told off and when I said "tell them about the condition then" I just got back how it's no excuse.
However last summer I got distracted, accidentally left the tap on and flooded the kitchen. The electrician came round to check a couple of plugs that got flooded and she's very quickly there "oh my son did this, he has autism". Like leaving the tap on is something that couldn't possibly happen to anyone else!

The really tragic thing is if I had been paralized, even if I'd caused it, she'd be telling everyone how brave I am and how I fight my ongoing disability to thrive, and how proud she is... bloody hypocrite.

Perhaps you had ADHD as well as aspergers, Graelwyn? It would certainly explain the extraverted side of you when you were younger. I'm only guessing as I don't know your life history, but that was the first thing that popped into my mind!

Or perhaps you have another ASD instead of aspergers. Either way, you are certainly not an NT, so don't take what your mother says to heart.

I think ADHD is a strong possibility. According to her, she had to put me in an area with her when she was ironing as she just couldn't keep a track of me, I was always running everywhere...even walked right through a plate glass window and tried to walk back through the broken glass. I was very extroverted, according to her, but I do also remember spending a lot of time in my room, lost in my books, or talking to our cat, or listening to my music and dancing with imaginary friends. So, there were clearly two sides to me. At school, I was hard to control, I believe.

Secondary school, once the grades no longer relied on rote memory, I just seemed to lose interest. My mother told me today that I was 'lazy' and didn't want to do the work. The headmistress told her I could achieve much, much more with my IQ... I just had no interest really in the work we were doing...was happiest writing my poems and reading poems all the time, or being in the library.