The Non-Autistic Sibling(s)

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So, I'm the non-autistic spectrum sibling to two (older) spectrum individuals (an oddity in itself...who knows). You could say, I've had an interesting...experience growing up. Even being neurotypical, I didn't really fit in... Neurotypicals who grow up without siblings on the spectrum often seem insensitive to those on the spectrum, and then they make assumptions about both their parents and sibling(s). That's a topic for another time...

I really want to concentrate on...how you guys view people like me. What have your experiences with non-autistic siblings been like? Were they positive, negative, or somewhere in between? And finally, what advice would you give someone like me (or your sibling) so that they could better understand their siblings, the community, and the Autistic Spectrum? While I consider myself quite educated on the topic (well, compared to your average neurotypical...), I hope to hear your incites...

Thanks! (If I said anything insensitive, feel free to bomp me on the head with a rubber bat. Yes, you can also bomp me regardless, wait a minute...-.-)

My brother is an awesome, kind, loving person. He and I have always been extremely close, and for many years he's been my only friend.

I'm on the spectrum and my older brother is NT. But he has grown up into a very depressed young man with extremely low self-esteem and poor motivation to do stuff what his peers are doing/have done, like driving lessons. He still lives at home, although he does work full time but he really hates his job, but he never went to college to learn any new skills and he got bad grades at school due to not bothering to push himself.

I feel really guilty for this because part of me feels like it's my fault that my brother has turned out like this. I received a lot of attention from my parents as a child and teenager, like with getting diagnosed and requiring support and stuff, and I appear to be my dad's favourite and I have always been very close to my mum. And now I'm kind of succeeding in life; I'm fallen in love with a boyfriend, I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend hopefully this year and getting married at some point, and I have done a lot like voluntary work and taken courses to help with skills and confidence, and I am willing to do more with my life like going on vacations and stuff with my boyfriend, and I don't drink or smoke. But I still feel guilty because I am happy now and my brother seems worse than ever, and I feel like it's my fault and I don't deserve to be happy.

I have two older sisters, both NT. My oldest sister has always had a bit of a sadistic bent. The first thing she tried to do when my parents brought me home was to smother me with a pillow. It was downhill from there.

I was an easy victim because Mom was bi-polar (untreated) and went back and forth between manic and near-catatonic, so she wasn't watching much of anything, especially when she locked all of us outside and turned up the TV. Dad worked all the time so he didn't see what was going on either. My grandmother saved my life many times. I didn't have much in the way of self-defense. I had incredibly poor coordination, I took everything literally- and I was afraid of everything. I'm pretty sure I had full-blown PTSD by the time I was two, had anyone been able to identify and name it at the time. My oldest sister took advantage of every opportunity to terrorize me for her own enjoyment for my entire childhood. I wasn't the only one - she beat up boys at school and took their lunch money. She also beat up other girls and took their stuff, including their boyfriends. She was the classic definition of a sociopath, though I didn't know what a sociopath is or how they operate until much later in life. My other sister pretty much steered clear of her and didn't bother me much either. I think my middle sister was probably the only "normal" one of us.

I don't think anything could teach my oldest sister how to understand anything other than getting her own way. That's just the sort of person she is. My other sister is somewhat more flexible and more caring toward others.

I always knew that my sisters were "normal" and I was not. The teachers at school liked my sisters because (with the exception of my oldest sister's sociopathy, which most adults were completely blind to, because she put on such a good show) they were "normal." They fit right into the system, while I did not. Teachers actually fought over who had to take me in their classes. Nobody wanted to deal with the six year old geeky little girl who could read on the same level as a college freshman, but who would completely freak out if a bee flew in the window.

I'm hyperlexic and could read since I was about two. This did not make my sisters happy at all, because they had to learn to read the "normal" way. They were jealous because I could almost sleep through school and get straight A's, while they had to work hard at academics.

They were "normal" but they thought I had some kind of advantage. If only they could have had any idea how terrified I was for so many years.

Neither of them know I'm on the spectrum, nor do they need to. We are not close. As far as childhood goes, I'm just glad to have survived.

i have an older NT brother he was quite sadistic
making me run downstairs to avoid having something thrown at me,
then I would fall down the stairs sometimes

my brother and i weren't exactly close but we weren't totally separate. my brother has adhd and he would do a lot of things that were distressing for me sensory wise, but we did enjoy each others company and comfort occasionally. he is very good socially and had lots of friends and would let me hang out with them sometimes. he wouldn't let them pick on me and stopped being friends with some people because of it. he doesnt exactly understand autism in any clinical sense but i think he understands me better than most people in my family.

One thing me and a friend did for a while is watch TV shows together. It's a good bonding exercise because it doesn't really demand talking. Of course, some autistics, might be very talkative while watching things. We're all different. That is something to keep in my mind. My point is, finding something you both like and can enjoy together can be hugely beneficial if you do want a friendship with an autistic person. Sibling or not. It can be anything. Anime, video games, discussing philosophy, music, whatever.

I think autistics are above average in their associations. So if you share music together, for example, they will likely think of you when listening to that band or song. If you're getting along and being kind to them it will be a very positive thing. Though they may or may not tell you. While autistics can be guilty of ambiguous behavior, we don't intend for it. Most of us have severe difficulties expressing ourselves. So, in general, it's probably not a bad idea to just ask if something isn't clear. And if you're being ambiguous, it will likely make us avoidant. We'll think you don't like us.

On that subject, if an autistic person tells you something, showing clear acceptance is best. Obviously there might be times when you don't agree. But if you do, don't hide it. We already feel strange. If you leave the question open we'll take that as you seeing us like everybody else does. Like let's say an autistic person has no current interest in dating or marriage. Many would look at that as odd. Now, it's possible the autistic person will later want to date and all that... or that they're just saying it because they're insecure. If you want to find out their feelings better, again, just ask, usually they won't mind. Especially if they bring it up. What I wouldn't suggest is constantly treating an autistic person like one day they'll be "normal" if that's not what they want or feel capable of. This is going to make them feel like they're not a whole or acceptable person to you until they're "normal".

The bright side of having an autistic friend is they might be very accepting. People who are different or feel different often develop that trait. You might be able to share things with them and not be judged for it. You might be able to show them a side of yourself that you can't show others. Again, all autistics are different, so I'm not saying it will for sure be like that. Some autistics find it hard to open up and don't know what to do with others opening up. While others are open books that would be thrilled to share with you and have you share with them.

All you can do is try to get to know them and see from there. If at first they're avoidant, it might be that they think you're just randomly being kind. Not that you really like them or want to have a friendship with them. Many autistics are used to people who seemed nice for a moment and then disappeared. Because of this we might take a little longer to believe you're hoping for a real friendship with us. But if you take the time, you could end up with an extremely rewarding friendship.

We're beginning to see the results now of having an on autistic younger sibling with my 2 boys. Its only starting though as my older child is 3 1/2 and the younger is 18 months but its definitely having an impact on the younger child. He wants to be held CONSTANTLY. We spend a lot of energy and time on his big brother so anytime he can he tries to get us to pay attention to him. Its the same with his therapies, big brother gets to "play" with his therapist and we have to take the little brother away because he's distracting. I hope he'll understand someday or that someday he'll be able to help. We try to make it fair for them but its very hard as there are things that my older son does that we just kind of let slide because he's autistic and we stop little brother from doing them.

My younger brother is BAP (borderline autistic phenotype). We've always gotten along rather well, but we both have dominating personalities and a need for excellence--both of which can conflict with the other's work.

My two brothers were older than me. Sometimes we got along well and did stuff together like going swimming or watching movies, and other times they seemed to really resent me. I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, but everyone knew I was the "different one," and they would tell my parents they thought I was treated better. I did well scholastically, while they dropped out and did drugs. I'm not sure where they got all the resentment from-- they were the ones that were given thousands of dollars when they couldn't pay their bills, were the ones who abandoned broken down cars that weren't paid for, that left messes for my folks to clean up. I was the one who was the honor student that never did drugs or got in trouble with the law.

I think one or both of them had some kind of neurodiversity going on, possibly ADHD or a learning disability. We also had a very abusive father, so it's hard to be sure. The middle brother took his life, and the older brother got religion and now doesn't talk to me much. It makes me really sad. I'd like a closer relationship with my brother, but he gets so easily offended, and I am not even sure what I did wrong.

I'm the autistic older sibling in my family, and let me just say that my younger sister doesn't really have feelings for me.

I have a NT sister 2 years older than me, she is someone I always looked up to. When we were younger she would help me when I had problems socializing and she was the only one in my family who noticed I was different.

We have our difference though, I wouldn't have been diagnosed if we hadn't gotten into a huge fight that got me arrested and put into a hospital. She used to hit me a lot which made me upset and she yelled at me a lot.

My husband's siblings really have nothing to do with us.

A whole lot of baggage from living with an undiagnosed Aspie sibling. There was nothing that could or would have been done. This was during the 60s.

Everything revolved around meltdowns and "s**t behavior", so outings where cut short blah blah blah....There aren't many happy family memories from ages 7-15.

Now they are polite, like you would be to a not well known coworker. I wish it were different.