When i was a kid ca. 5-6, my brother's friends and him and i were running around the neighbourhoods, in the cold winter, doing nonsense. It was great fun, but as we were running down this grass field covered by snowflakes, my brother appeared 1 meter abruptly infront of me, told me to go home. My conclusion was that he disliked my interaction with his friends. Against my own wishes i went home, and never again did i feel comfortable with his friends. When i was ca. 4-5, i stole my best friend's stuff from his garage, then i hid the stuff in his neighbour's nearby berry bushes, just one fence away. When he and his parents got home, well they notified me. I felt ashamed, but i was too embarrassed to admit anything. So, shortly after, I and him were outside in his yard... and i was like, pretending to play, running around and attempting to make it seem random that i happened to enter their neighbour's territory, to the berry bushes. I was like, hinting him to come after me. And i led him right up to where i put all his stuff. I could recognize that he suspected me of putting it all there, well he asked me outright. I denied it of course. After that moment, our friendship ended, but he kept wanting to be with me. I was the one who just rejected him, and i did that because i felt so ashamed. When i was a kid, in kindergarten, the boys and girls were playing outside, the kissing game... where the girls would chase the boys around in attempts to kiss them. The boys would naturally be afraid of kisses, well that's what i observed. I didn't know what to think, but i actually wanted a kiss. So... i pretended to be running away from the girls, and then i made it seem like they outran me... the result was that i got a kiss while still appearing as if i didn't want one. In kindergarten, i categorized people into groups. There were like females who were beautiful and popular... then there were ugly ones. there were boys who were cool and then there were non-cool boys. My only real friend there was categorized as non-cool, and the *cool* guys made fun of him and told me he was weird. Actually me and two cool guys sat on these, ehm. these like things designed for kids that are hovering above the ground and attached to a structure that resembles a paper if you fold it on the middle and place it to stand with it's triangles as feets. seats are attached and they can go back and forth above the ground, i don't know the name. Well, we sat on those, and they pointed out to me how weird my non-cool friend was as we observed him climb some ladder by himself. I can't really remember what i said... but my friend moved away and quit that kindergarten, and i was left all alone with these *cool kids*. I never felt i fit in, but i adapted. In retrospect, i observed the behaviors of others and i tried to be like them, or rather not get outsided by them. I mean, i observed what they thought and liked and i pretended that i liked the things that they liked, or that i was the things that they said i was (like my friend would tell me that i'm the strongest person in the group, and eventually i would believe it myself... but deep down i didn't know what to think(my father was a boxer)). I must've learned that it was wrong to be weird by observation. Because later, in school i would actually be a bully and have this notion of what is cool and not... While bullying i'd still feel bad, but i would do it to impress or get acceptance from my peers (atleast that was my delusion). I grew up with 4 brothers and sisters (2,2), 2 parents. I've never gotten real solitude until recent years, and not only until i ended the obligatory first ten years of school (in my country primary and lower secondary) did i start learning things and getting real theoretical interests like programming. I didn't learn s**t in school. I had literally like months of unattended days and grades where the crappiest they could be. I took a pause after lower secondary and primary school before attending high school (just staying home), and when i finally attempted high school my grades very almost as good as can be, but then i quit due to social phobia and also boredom. I spend all days alone, and that doesn't bother me, but i am anxious when i go outside or am with people. I'm never myself around people, and sometimes i'd like to be myself, but then i just suppress myself and pretend i'm something else. I'm afraid of being judged by people. I did have many female friends when i was little (before kindergarten), and i enjoyed spending time with females, but as i got older i understood that was unacceptable. I wasn't told it directly, but i could somehow perceive that it was not normal or not desired, and so i quit. My family thinks i've got asperger's, but I've never really revealed my real self to anyone... Not even the people who attempted to diagnose me, haven't really done a real full diagnose, but those i spoke with suspects i've got a degree of autism. And i'm social phobic, how the hell do i tell whether it's due to having asperger's or just being afraid of revealing the true me, reason that i don't get along with people? I guess, i'd like to know if there are any like me.. who was that stupid and sensitive to what people thought when he was a kid, today all those things that i was sensitive to,, they are still within me, but i am smarter than all these senses, only i cannot really break out of all these defensive mechanisms i've built up (they are like muscle memory)... all these, 'not appear weird or unusual', for it will be punished. i hate that part of myself
03 Apr 2015, 6:20 pm
