Help

Post Reply New Topic

After a terrible social experience a few years ago I have finally recovered enough to *try* to reach out and have a social life and make acquaintances and friends.

About a year ago I made an acquaintance, which in and of itself is a big deal for me. She's not NT--has an ld-- and seems very nice, but she's also higher functioning than me, especially in the social and life skills department. She has tons of friends and a job and she's one of those people who everyone warms up to.

We've met twice, the first time organized by me and the second time initiated by her. Since she initiated the second time I figured we were on good terms, even if I did try way too hard both times we hung out. I also talked to her like I'd known her for ten years instead of two hours because I was so relieved to meet someone with an ld and similar interests.

We'd suggested that it would be nice to do some outdoorsy stuff together this summer, and since the weather finally warmed up I figured, why not, and emailed her to see if she wanted to get together. She said yes very promptly so I asked her when would be a good time for her but she never responded to me. This was two weeks ago. I'm trying not to take it personally, to keep it in perspective and so on, but really I'm very upset as I was looking forward to it.

Should I ask her if she's still interested? I feel like that is too pushy and if she really wanted to she would not have forgotten or at least said she changed her mind instead of just...nothing.

Welcome to WrongPlanet!!

Well, I don't think writing to her, after 2 weeks, would be "too pushy". I think you should try one more time, and say something like: "I haven't heard from you in awhile----are you still interested in doing something together? I was thinking we could _______." If she STILL doesn't write-back, then I think I'd let it go.

Thanks for the welcome and also the email template. That's the perfect way to put it .

Thanks Campin_Cat! The template is indeed helpful; I think we've all been (or will be) in that situation at least once. I'm saving it for future reference. Weirdspacebird, I can relate on so many levels. I hope it goes well for you!

Thanks thelittlebird, I hope so too.

I have found that people (friends) often give vague yes's to things but don't seem to follow up. Sometimes it works better to suggest a specific thing on a specific day. Like when you follow up, don't ask if they still want to do "something", as if they want go to a specific event that has a set date or time, or tell them exactly the activity that you want to do and give them a couple options for when you are free. Sometimes people just don't want to feel like THEY have to organize the event. If you are just inviting them to something that is already planned, I think it can feel more manageable to people. A lot of times people really ARE just really busy.

Yes, I follow that generally, but I also get into a head space where if I am too responsible for all of our interactions I become defensive and start to think that they are just going along out of politeness or worse.

I recently had a "friendship" where one person said she was "busy" for three years yet still pretended to be my friend for a lot of reasons I will never understand, but mostly so she could laugh about me with her other friends. If she really liked me she would have made more of an effort--or so I'd like to think. NTs lie all the time. I usually fall for it. So now I tend to be extra careful.

I tell half a lie, by omission and by accident, and I feel guilty and deceitful for life. I don't know how they do it.

trust me... i do get it. i've had the same experiences as you many many times and still struggle with this exact issue. people are flakey and even the best of my friends seem to be constantly "unable" to honor their commitments for one reason or another - even though they seem to be able to do things with either people.

I do not have all of the answers, but i think it's important to consider the context in which you interact with people. it's kind of a new philosophy i am exploring... I know that it is way easier to be friends with people whom you see on a consistent basis and have current things in common with you, such as classmates, coworkers, or family, than it is to be friends with someone who you would not see or talk to without specifically trying to.

Other people seem to be able to make many friends with a wide range of people that they work or study with, but I tend to be much "pickier" with friends because i don't get along well with EVERYONE. i look for specific traits and personalities that i know i can handle and can handle me. So i find that I'm often trying to form or maintain relationships with people who i no longer have a specific activity in common with. Sometimes i get offended when a friend can't honor a commitment to me, but if i stop to think, the people that they DO see and talk to are actually those whom they have class or something with and see all of the time. a lot of times, they just go out after class or after work. sometimes they get together to work on a project and then they end up watching a movie or something. it's a reasonable way for people to function with those who end up around them all of the time, it's not like they are making special plans with all sorts of people except for me.

i know this doesn't answer all problems, and there are still "friends" who blatantly are rude or conveniently too tired, too busy, etc, but hold a complete double standard during interactions with others. i know it hurts like crazy. but this is just food for thought...i think it's important to try to understand and give the benefit of the doubt, just as we hope others may do for us (even though they don't always).

Yes, very true.