Codependency or Helping and Upset at Therapist

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I have to share this because I need feedback. Today I was told that I was being codependent with my son when I met his therapist for the first time today. She then said I just need to stop doing stuff for my son and let him fend for himself since he is 18. I do not agree with this. He is 18, but there are lots of things he just can't do as yet. I feel it would be cruel to just stop helping him. He is a human. He is sensitive. He has Aspergers/Social Anxiety Disorder. It is so difficult for him to do everyday things that we take for granted as being easy.

Anyway, I was thinking a parent ought to help when they really know their child is not up to doing something. I was not thinking it was codependent. Now my son said he will make his own sandwich daily, but he seems so upset about it. I guess I will play it by ear on how it will go. But I certainly can not see myself allowing my son to go without food just because he is not capable of doing this skill yet. Any of you had upsets with therapists?

Yeah sometimes therapists don't appreachiate these kind of things. It's just typical your son's only been dignoused for a little while as i say you would have gone through this much earlier. Each day or something like that ask him to do something like "iron his shirt" and things like that but supervise him to see where he has the problems and remeber to praise him for doing it and at the end of the week, give him a treat or something which would be a great idea

we've had quite a run with therapists who really don't understand ASDs....does the one you're seeing have any knowledge of ASDs ?
It's possible that perhaps you are limiting your son's growth by doing too much for him, but that's a tough thing for me to judge....if you're uncomfortable with the advice the therapist is giving you and your son, then i say find someone else. ...

her son's 18 ster

"Yes" is my short answer to your question

I sometimes realise that I need to take a step back from my son to give him the chance to do things for himself, however there is often a big difference between helping him and doing it for him, and again between that help and leaving him to succeed or struggle.
I certainly wouldn't recommend withdrawing your support as sharply as your therapist seems to suggest as it will be even more emotionally difficult for you both.
I think you'd be right to play it by ear for a while instead because while people with qualifications coming out of their ears can play a great part in your son's progress, they'll never replace your own parental intuition of which you've had 18 years of experience

The amount of help a kid needs greatly depends on the kid. If there is severe dyspraxia, like my kid, you will need to help for longer. I had to pull back my help really slowly. I'll give an example from when my kid was younger.

Washing his hair - I was still doing this for him when he was around 6. I decided that his motor skills were developed enough to allow him to do this for himself so I told him that I wasn't going to do for him what I knew he could do for himself but I was going to assist him. I started by using words to explain the process in detail while I washed his hair for him. Then I used my hands, over his and showed him what it felt like to wash his hair. Then I talked him through it as he was washing his own hair. I sometimes had to assist with a difficult part until he got it himself. This was the hardest step by far. Then I wrote the process down on paper for him to refer to if he needed but he usually didn't need any help by then.

Your kid probably won't need such a breakdown, but try giving a transition between doing it all for him and having him do it independently. Good luck!

I have seen various therapists and the problem was that they didn't understand ASD's. Many therapists believe that problems are due to 'nurture' rather than nature. This, combined with the fact that they have limited medical training and certainly so specialised knowledge of ASDs can lead to them giving advice that is unhelpful, and at worst, damaging.

They seem to think that everyone is NT and fully capable really, they just don't realise it - so they need to be 'made' to realise it.

Clearly, if you have an ASD, you are 'different' and inevitably are going to find difficulty in some tasks that NTs take for granted.

I think the best thing for you to do is try to find a therapist who has significant experience and knowledge of working with people who have ASDs and who understands what having an ASD really means.

It really depends on how much you do for him and far you take that. Does he know how to do his own laundry? If you do it, do you do everything like wash and fold and put stuff out for him to wear?
You make his sandwiches. Does he tell you how to make them, does he try first or does he not prioritize food?
Does he have a job or has he looked for one?
have you set aside to go over these types of skills? did he get any time in school to learn them?
These differences would indicate whether you are just doing too much for him or actually are in a codependent relationship. I think there is a significant difference, though a stranger might not see it-she's looking for fault. Sometimes we don't know where our child is at-maybe he doesn't know either. But I don't think that means you're codependent, persay.
It is a fine line.

My son seems to be in the grips of his Aspergers. His special interest is computers. He spends all day on them and very rarely will take a break. And many times I have encouraged him to make himself some cereal or a sandwich, but he will say "okay" but never do it. So if I leave for a bit and come back, he has not eaten and will say "I will just wait until dinner." And I just think it is wrong to not help someone who obviously is having a tough time with things. Plus he takes medicines and I don't believe he ought to take those on an empty stomach either. So to have a therapist say "Oh just stop doing stuff for him and he will do it for himself" really makes no sense to me because he just refuses to do stuff for himself. There is a big defiance. Also he will say "Sure, I will do that" and later you will find out he didn't do whatever it was he said he would do.

I mean honestly, I even told this therapist he was refusing to brush his teeth, so how good is he going to be at feeding himself regularly. I know my son is highly intelligent in lots of areas, probably more than anyone I know. But he lacks the basic living skills and social skills other people have. And to give up doing everything seems like the most extreme thing and cruel thing ever. It seems like it would just be cruel. And what is so wrong with showing love for a son who just having a tough old time with things? Ugg, this is getting frustrating and that is why I am writing here. Perhaps I just need to not meet with his therapist anymore. Plus at our meeting I was taking notes and she told me "Hey, could you just put the pen and paper down and stop reading from your notes to me?" And then she said "Oh, can I have a copy of your notes too?' which I gave her, but I really got bad vibes from her. Like she didn't really even know what the heck she was doing and telling me my son is improving when there haven't been any real changes. It all seems so bewildering, but I will keep hanging in and try to find things that will really help my son, not hurt him. Any more suggestions are welcome.

just a question, how did you obtain this therapist? Is this private, chosen by you or your son? Or is this appointed for some other reason?
I don't see how she is helping you with condescending, "put the pen down" directives.
I'm not saying who is right or wrong, but you won't get anywhere with someone you don't feel comfortable with. How does your son feel about her?

I do think it's okay to see if you son can feed himself. Let him go nauseated once or twice to see that he needs to eat. Unless you have tried this for more than a day.

The best thing parents can do is try to give the aspie insight into their behavior. They don't have a clue about how other people perceive them. They can become obsessed with their special interests to their deteriment. It is brain structure problem with Executive Function. If one is THAT obssessed, they need to be on an OCD med. All this anti-med sentiment is simply popular thinking. An out of control Aspie needs a brain chemical adjustment and it can happen in a week or so on the right med.

We don't learn well from the environment. We do the same self-defeating stuff over and over again. Codependancy theory doesn't apply to Aspies, and it is just a theory. If you knew how many assumptions psychology makes in its theories, you would be apalled. The only psychological treatment that helps is a special form of cognitive behavioral therapy and it is a rare psychologist that knows how to treat someone with AS.

Stop thinking that drugs are the solution, they aren't. they change the mind in a bad way

Oh, please. Don't tell me how to think. If someone can't stop washing their hands (even though they really don't want to stop) and they can take something to make it stop, do you think that is a bad thing? We're talking about an SSRI, not LSD. Do you know anything about neurotransmitters and how they work? Obsessions can be channeled for good and they can be very destructive. Believe me, I know this. I've been an aspie a LOT longer than you and have been through many experiences you haven't had yet.

If you believe that ALL drugs can change you mind in a bad way, then back up your assertions with some facts.

My sons therapist was chosen by a previous therapist we had that I really liked lots. I guess there is just something that I am not learning from this therapist. I have learned more in this one and a half days on this site. I am glad I found this site. I just need to have support as a parent of a son with Asperger's. I like to do things that work, not things that are detrimental. So I have chosen to go baby steps with my son. Like at lunchtime, I was making a salad for myself. I said to him "would you like to come in the kitchen and make your sandwich and join me for lunch?" and he said "yes." He got up and made the sandwich but asked me a few questions about how to do it. It was good that I was right there to be able to help him, but he did it himself. I think going slow and steady is the way to go. I do appreciate what you all shared as it is valuable to me. I am going to also plan for some check in's with my son to see how things are going and we will do one small change at a time. I think if I keep reading more at this site I will learn much more too, so thanks again for your replies.

Well we don't know what meds he's on (do we?), so he might not be taking psych meds. Personally I am pretty much anti-psych med myself, but that's not her question.

Thisisme, there are therapists out there who just are not nice people (talk about lacking empathy! ). Some of the nastiest people I've met have been therapists. So just because a therapist says something doesn't make it gospel truth.

What does your son want? Does he want to go to college? Does he want to one day live on his own? Does he want to get married?

Are you okay with his being home?

I mean there are cultures where the child continues to live at home till he's married, and even then he remains at his parents' home with his wife. It's a very American/ western idea to kick the child out at age 18 and expect him to be ok. If you are ok with it, if he is ok with it, I don't see a problem.

About the eating... can you ask him why he needs you to make the food for him and serve it to him? Maybe you can gauge if he's really afraid of preparing it or if he just wants you to do the work. It's up to you, really. If you get sick of preparing stuff for him, you have the right to ask him to pitch in more. But if you don't mind, and you think he really needs the help, I don't see the harm. But it all depends on HIS goals and desires, and also what yours are too.

thisisme, this self-care issue sounds like severe dysphraxia, a motor planning problem. Motor planning can be hard so you just don't attempt new things. I don't have this problem, but my son does. He learns how to do things, but I've had to teach him as if he were a much younger child. He also has no confidence in doing things. You should also give him positive reinforcement when he does successfully plan an activity.

Here is some information on it (it is often a part of AS):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyspraxia