When I cry he yells at me AS+NT

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Hello there,

He (AS) yells, when I (NT) cry.
I'm dating a wonderful man, that happens to be, on the Spectrum.
Reason he says "I get scared because of past relationships after try to discuss something, then argued and I've yelled and crying always means, breaking up."
As that is what happened in the past, with half dozen other women.

We are fine, unless we attempt talking about things, that hurt either of our feelings.
All the day to day is fine. It's happened a few times now.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not accustomed to being shouted, yelled and screamed at and him hitting his head on something. I don't settle for it from anyone else in the world.
There's pent up rage at the whole world outside, for other things I haven't even been apart of, I've been told.

In me, it brings up an actual PTSD fear from childhood.
I find it challenging to get the brunt of the, pent up rage, being unleashed onto me.

I've asked him "how can I phrase things better?"
He says that:
I haven't done anything wrong.
I haven't said anything wrong.

******He's scared of being left at and I'm scared of being yelled at.*******
Any gentle advice, please?

Thank you,
tinyowl

He doesn't sound wonderful, and your situation sounds abusive. Just because he's scared doesn't make it acceptable for him to scream at you. I would worry about escalation over time, especially since he is not admitting any problem with his behavior.. AS doesn't excuse horrible behavior.

Same old .... same old

Could you try writing down whatever you have to say that you realize is going to hurt each other's feelings? Then he could read it in private and hopefully not feel like yelling about it.

Same.

I get tired of hearing people use AS as an excuse for things just because it can make life (sometimes much) harder at times and in certain ways. Yeah cool, we all have things to overcome but you don't get a free pass in life/relationships and still need to attempt to make an effort.

The guy should gain some perspective. Just because somebody cries doesn't mean that somebody will leave him.

He might have this association--crying=breaking up--but everybody has "associations."

If the guy uses his cognition, he'll realize that the context has changed--you are not breaking up with him when you cry. He has to learn that for himself, and listen to what you have to say.

I'm not a person who likes to see people cry. I have "associations," as well. However, I am able to see that the context has changed from the "association" which is problematic. I seek to listen to somebody when that person cries (unless it's, evidently, crocodile tears).

Well, the "good news" here is that this doesn't really seem to be about you. Sounds to me like he has baggage, which is understandable. I'll tell you right now; an Aspie man's life is NOT easy, especially not in today's ultra-PC society.

Although his was probably easier than most from what I've seen here. If he's dating you now, and had 6 other girlfriends before you, he must be incredibly good-looking. Some Aspie men go their entire lives without having a relationship (I probably will), but anyway... I'm rambling.

Look, I don't know your boyfriend and no two Aspies are the same, I can only tell you what I'd like you to do if I was in your husband's place and hope that works; tell him you see how his memories are making him suffer, tell him you understand he can't just "get over it", tell him you want to share his burden, that you want to be that special person he thought all those other girls were and was heartbroken when he found out they weren't. But that in order to do that, he needs to "lower his guard" and tell you exactly what happened and why he feels the way he feels.

Most Aspie men crave a deep emotional connection with a member of the opposite sex, but because Aspergers is essentially Extreme Male Brain syndrome, that's almost impossible. Present him with a chance to form that connection with you, and make it clear you're also willing to "pull your own weight" and work for it (something very few women actually are), and I think you'll find him to be a lot more cooperative.

I won't lie to you; this won't be easy, it will take a lot of effort and patience on your part, but succeed and you'll have a loyal mate that will defend you and stand by your side through virtually anything.

It doesn't seem sustainable if you don't find a way to resolve this.

You shouldn't have to be afraid of crying around your significant other, and you shouldn't accept abuse just because of his issues. With what limited relationship experience I have I'm hesitant to offer advice, but if you really want the relationship to last maybe you should see a counselor together though I don't know if it should be a couples therapist or someone who specializes in working with people on the spectrum.

He sounds like he has unresolved issues though, which he really needs to see someone about, and if he isn't willing to work on those issues and learn to respond in a different way then maybe you need to walk away. You have to take care of yourself and if he's triggering PTSD and unwilling to try and change then that's on him. There are real reasons why a lot of us are unable to form/maintain relationships.

He needs to realise he can't control people. It is not his choice, if you want to leave. He needs to come to terms with not being able to control people.

The best way to nurture the relationship, is through reciprocation and mutual understanding.

ASD is not a get out of gaol card, and many of us take a very dim view of this sort of behaviour. I don't happen to think anyone is the same, but it is not something folk want to be associated with. Controlling behavior exits for all neurotypes.

I do think that ASD relationship requirement might be quite a bit different, depending on the person. Some of us, for instance, are very independent and wouldn't want a conventional relationship. Others may be more needy.

However controlling behavior is not acceptable.

Why are you crying? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but similarly someone else cannot always influence a persons emotions for the better.

It's hard to judge here without context, it depends really what you're crying about and why he's getting angry. Every couple has arguments, trust me I've seen them. When you argue with someone who means a lot to you and they get upset, you get upset. Some people show it through crying but others get their emotions out through anger, in an attempt to prevent tears. You see this sort of thing all the time with teenage boys who have had a fight. They don't want to appear weak; I know I'm not one for crying (but I don't fight).

Only thing I can suggest is to avoid arguments in which voices are raised and try not to get too emotional, it will escalate his fears and his emotions. By all means have active discussions and calmly give your opinions on things, I know it's unconventional but it should work. If I were him and I got emotional like that (in an angry way) I would walk into another room or go outside for a few minutes, then again I haven't had an argument with a partner as of yet, they're hard enough to keep as it is!

Anyways, at least you know he cares about you so much and I hope he learns to trust you and how to convey his emotions in a better manner, I wish you the best of luck

Why not tell him that you will leave if he keeps yelling whenever you cry?

What you wrote also hit close to home except my aspie ex didn't yell, he just get upset and get mad at me and ignore me. Then when I would call my parents to talk, he didn't like that either because he didn't want to look like an ass to my parents.

I'm just another broken person, but from where I'm sitting (I'm the AS, he's not, and when I cry, express any negative emotion, or don't resolve it on his timetable, he yells-- and I don't just mean raises his voice), PLEASE FOR BOTH YOUR SAKES PUT AN END TO IT.

Look at it this way-- it's nobody's fault. At this point, both of you have issues that are triggering the other person's issues. Neither of you can help that, or be blamed for it. Notwithstanding, it's a toxic mix that will beget no net good. And a romantic relationship IS NOT the context in which one wants to try to help another one work with mutually triggering issues. It's just not a functional dynamic.

I wish I'd been more inclined to believe myself when I said that to a guy when I was 21 years old. Four really great kids never would have been, but it would have saved so much irreversible heartache for both of us.

I don't think he yells because he is an aspie and I don't think he'll stop, maybe I'm jaded/fried.

However, since you maybe love and don't want to lose him I think, if it were me, I would just take a chance on being made fun of for this and believe him he thinks crying means breaking up.

He says he does not want to break up, being together should mean some trust I would just say that to be together I need not to be screamed at, I understand what he says crying means to him and that he's telling me he's angry when I cry and he's afraid he will lose me, however what he does not understand yet that I want to tell him, if he wants to know, is that crying is the emotional equivalent of bleeding, it's not the crying that leads to breaking up its the leaving the person bleeding on the floor with no help that leads to the break up and that when you cry that signals a need for ______. Fill in with a few very concrete choices such as ask what's wrong in a calm voice, take your hand, hug.

If he is willing to accept he may be missing a step in his understanding of what crying means and willing to learn what you need in the relationship, then great. If not if it were me I would rather have tried everything before giving up to be afraid with him or losing/separating from him.

Sorry to hear about your relationship. Unfortunately, what he's doing is called emotional abuse that could one day escalate to physical abuse. It sounds like your walking on egg shells with him because your afraid to say anything he might not like, which could cause him to yell and possibly frighten you. Relationships are build on trust and communication. Not being able to express yourself in your relationship because he doesn't want hear you, could be VERY damaging.

It seems like you really like him so maybe you could try to talk to him again but in a public place like a restaurant. I would talk to him about something else first and then you could mention your feelings toward him while holding his hands over a nice dinner. Basically making him feel really comfortable. Then I would say something like "I really like you and our time together etc. and I want to continue this because I think your special" Maybe you could tell him what you've always wanted in a relationship and ask him the same. Maybe you could tell him that talking and doing stuff together makes you even happier with him. Then you could ask him what he thinks could make your relationship stronger and then you could mention what you think.

If he shuts down I would just tell him that it makes you sad when he doesn't listen to you and that you want your relationship to work, but he has to be willing to listen to you and work with you on your relationship. Just a suggestion I hope this helps.

I echo what others are saying. He sounds abusive. Somebody I care about was, presumably still is, in an abusive relationship. I think of that and hurt.

Thank you so much for all of your perspectives.
So thoughtful and kind!

I will read all of them a few times over and really reflect on...
what I need, want and what I can/will do.