Trouble at work (Teaching): My communication problems

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I am a teacher of 11-16 kids. teaching requires a lot of inter-personal skills that I have to work realy really hard at.

This year I have had 3 separate occasions where one or a couple of my 15-16 year old students have complained about me to senior staff once with a letter signed by a group.
Apparently the problem is my communication style is too fierce and is considered as undermining or overly critical the students. I can accept that this is possible... I can be quite intense at times, However I also think kids are a bit emotionally softer today.. its a combination of my harsh style and their mental fragility.

I find it difficult to find the line between getting high expectations and letting it go.

However 3 times in a year really looks bad to management and they want me to talk to the HR person to offer me some help (they are kind of supportive but that may just be protocol)
I am getting really worried I will blow the job.. and as a result my mortgage, family, livelihood and all the progress I have made (my therapist says I `catastrophise` a lot... but here it is!! ! a good reason to catastrophise!)

The problem comes when the students are not fulfilling my expectations eg not doing the work usually over a period of time ( I dont just jump on them this may be over weeks) and generally slacking or repeating the same mistakes again and again through lazy thinking.

I end up getting really frustrated (this is the trigger) and show my annoyance and usually over-analyse/criticising what they are not doing....
My tone is `annoyed but i think they see it as angry.
I dont shout at them , I do praise them when they do well, I am equally critical or praising to all, I dont pick on any specific child.

I am getting really worried that I am not able to control how I come across to others.
Should i just care a bit less? I struggle not to give 100% commitment but this might be my problem?
This is my first `proper` long term job and I have been doing it fo 7 years. My students results are very good... (but only when I am tough with them).

I really dont want them to feel disgruntled nor do I want to lose my job, but I am not exactly sure how I am doing this!

Any advice...losing this job could wreck my life...... Any Aspie teachers out there with similar issues

It may seem scary to be up before HR like that, but I can't imagine anybody's performance as being so good as to be above criticism, so I'd recommend trying not to see it as the end of the world, more an opportunity to further improve your already appreciable skills. If you're getting the kids through their exams with good grades, the HR people probably see you as a valued asset, not the kind of teacher they'd be about to fire.

If it were me, I think I'd listen carefully to what they have to say, and make sure they could see I was listening. I expect they'll say that it looks from these complaints as if your teaching methods are a little too harsh. If I were you I'd reassure them that I too was concerned about the problem, and that I was interested in looking at ways of mellowing my style without losing the good results of the current method. I'd try to show them in every way I could that I was engaging with their concerns, but I'd also want to make sure that they had noticed the good results I was getting, just in case they were unaware of that. I'd be very keen to make them aware of both sides of the coin, that way they wouldn't get the impression that I was rejecting the criticism, or that the criticism was all there was to it.

I can see two possible ways of fixing it. One would be to get some specifics - exactly what have you said or done that has been picked up as too intimidating? Or is it more a matter of tone of voice and body language? From that, it may be possible to think of new, gentler ways of applying the necessary pressure on the kids. The other way, which may amount to much the same thing, would be to ask to go on a training course about that kind of thing - "motivation methods" or whatever they call it. They might very well suggest such a solution.

You do seem to be already making some headway in working out what's going wrong, by your own introspections.

I'm not a teacher, by the way, but I've been married to a couple of teachers in my time, so I know how tough it can be.

Toughdiamond you are a gem!
All of what you say chimes true and much of it has already been brought up so thank you for your balanced thoughts

I have been totally open about my communication problems at work (I find it difficult to lie well) and can own up to them, while this might be a potential opening for attack if things get worse I thought it was best. (she said this was refreshing as other teachers always pass blame probably out of fear)... My aspie habits `leak` out if I want them to or not so whats the point in denying it
The Head is supportive, and I have disclosed my ASD (not diagnosed though) informally to her. But thats 3 lives lost this year!

i am taking a gamble here trusting the school, but I have little choice.

Yes I will try to use this as an opportunity to learn more skills, but I also intend to try not to care as much about the students success... in the interest of self-preservation... selfish I know... but hey.

My life has always been lived on thin ice, as events often turn on an instant when I say or do the wrong thing, but I suspect all aspies have this stress to carry with us.

If I can just survive 5 years , pay my mortgage off then I can leave on my terms and it will be a great achievement for me to have lasted so long without blowing it..... but the fear wiil always be there until I do.

Thanks again
P.

I agree with your questioning whether you should push for 100% all the time. Sometimes being a perfectionist ruins things vs. just getting them done acceptably.

Sometimes pushing hard gets results. Watch the movie Whiplash if you've yet to see it. I sometimes refer to my boss as "Whiplash" in my mind because I know that as harsh as he can be, it's because he wants the best out of people - and from a business perspective, I respect that immensely. Some others can't take his direct criticism objectively and some have likely quit because of it. IMO, it's potentially a positive strategy for the business as it ensures we have a strong team vs. weak minded overly emotional people. Anyways, if you're accidentally "Whiplashing" it could be a bad thing.. especially dealing with children/teens who are more sensitive than us adults. I bet you'd do better toning it down a little.

As for finding that balance of high expectations and happy communications.. it's challenging with ASD symptoms kicking your ass. I know it. IMO, your best course of action would be to treat your AS symptoms & get your brain firing on as many cylinders as possible. I've done this for myself over the last couple of years and have shared it on the forums since January 2014. If you're interested, PM me an email address and I'll share what I've done & we can chat about the refinements I've made to the protocol since. You could do a lot of disciplined work on yourself as I've done, or perhaps a quick and dirty simplified version might yield "good enough" (vs perfectionist) results to get you through in the meantime until you're ready to do the more intense work.

Sounds like she appreciates your honesty. That's got to be good.


That sounds right.


Yes, sadly the powers that be do seem to push employees into that situation at times, and although it's very regrettable, it's human nature to protect oneself. It might be wise to mention, if and when you agree to try softening your teaching methods, that you're mindful of the danger that your students' success will take a hit. That's why I think it might be folly to agree to soften your methods by yourself, without expert guidance. I guess the million-dollar question is, are there other teachers there who have a softer teaching method but achieve as much as you do, in the way of good grades? If that's true and the HR people are clever, they'll probably point that out.

Yes I think a lot of us have a fairly constant feeling of walking on eggshells.


That's what I did, with my research job - gritted my teeth, saved hard, and retired as soon as I knew I could afford to. It's a shame it had to come to that.

From what I read you are having an issue seeing that other people are different from you, not an uncommon issue for people on the spectrum.

Maybe remembering that we are fundamentally different from most and the difficulties that has caused us can help you understand that your students can be quite different then you and give you sympathy for them.

Thank you all.
My meeting is on Tuesday morning.
I will post how it went.
PJ

I wish you luck in your meeting.

I've always wanted to be a teacher....but can't because of executive functioning difficulties. I can tutor 1 on 1 fairly well.

Your success record speaks for itself.

I'm avidly awaiting your update.

This seems right. I think it's really important to remember that people are not all alike and what seems obviously true and the only possibility from one perspective may just not apply to another. '

Instead of thinking "do they want me to give less than 100%?" ask yourself, "is it possible that some kids need a different approach than others?" or "Maybe I need to give 100% in a different way?"

Some kids respond to the stick, others need the carrot, still others are not donkeys but complex human beings who need a variety approaches including praise, encouragement and challenge.

I had a situation in my kids middle school with a teacher who showed many signs of being on the spectrum. I had to take my BAP daughter out of his class because he was incapable of seeing that his approach was totally wrong for her. Like you, he was very focused on the fact that he got good results and seemed to think that was proof that his damaging, ineffective approach to my daughter was somehow right.

It made my sad to have to work with the administration to get my daughter in another class, but her grades improved dramatically and I'm sure it was better for both of them in the long run. I am sure he had no idea that she was in tears every night because of the way he spoke to her in class--because he would not have been and the same kind of pushing worked for other kids.

I would encourage you to look into different learning styles and personality conflicts and the reality of mulitiple perspectives. I don't know if your situation is really like the one I experienced as a parent with a child on the other side of the teacher's desk, but sensitivity to the diversity of student minds can only be helpful to a teacher.

I wish you the best of luck in your meetings and hope this all works out in ways that make things better for you.

Good luck tomorrow.

I'm an Aspie, and have been a teacher----but, I taught LITTLE kids (Sunday School), and ADULTS (computers). I wouldn't EVEN want to teach the age that YOU teach, cuz you not only have to deal with THEM, you gotta also deal with their PARENTS----and, that's just entirely too many people, IMO.

I'd say, as others have said, take this as a learning experience and "adjust" yourself, accordingly. This is not one of those "I'm always having to change myself, for an NT" times----this is about, NOT losing your job!

Also, I WOULD work on not putting 100 percent into it, cuz I really think you're beating yourself up, too much----I don't mean you should "care", less; I just mean I would try not to be such a perfectionist. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely ADORE teaching (I even think it's a GREAT Aspie occupation, because we love to share our knowledge, so much / often); but, what *I* do, is making sure that *I* do everything right, and hopefully they'll get the "message". I can't be going home at night, worrying that Jimmy is probably not gonna do his homework, or whatever----there HAVE been exceptions, to that "rule", but.....

Also, you're right about kids that age, nowadays, in that they're very thin-skinned----IMO, it's cuz their parents have made them, that way----have made them whiners----and, if ANYTHING, I wonder how their gonna make it, "out there", in the world.

Good Luck, at tomorrow's meeting!!

I agree with all the above.

I would also add that you may want to do some practising with your body language and facial expressions in front of the mirror. If you have a friend, you could also ask him/her to film your body language and facial expressions. You watch how your body moves when delivering criticism and showing frustration. Try to take off the sharp edges of your body language and your responses.

Hoping for good news here.

I hope the meeting went well!

I'm an Aspie, and I teach 12-14 year-old students. At the start of the year, I give my students a letter in which I introduce myself to them. I don't disclose that I'm on the spectrum, but I discuss my strengths and weaknesses as a teacher. I let them know that I have problems picking up on social cues and recognizing emotions. It says something like, "So if you are having a bad day and I ignore it, or I say something that upsets you, it's not because I don't care! I just can't tell. Let me know, so I can help fix the problem."

Then I assign them to write back to me, telling me about themselves as people, and as students. It has worked out really well.

What a great adaptation. I think the non-specific self-disclosure is brilliant.

Thank you all for your thoughts, advice and support.
Mmm I kind of like that idea about non disclosure sharing ... may try it next September. Coming to the end of the year now so I want to shed the problems and move forward and have a relaxing holiday.

The meeting was very gentle, but I took a proactive position and early on said i took this very seriously and was really concerned about my motivational style and wanted help to improve. (My theory is in a difficult situation this is the best approach... no excuses).

After admitting my problems I went on to talk about the students. The Head got in first saying how I seem to get a range of misfits, loners and SEN students and a few who really want to do music. She said they obviously saw music as a sanctuary for them... which I feel quite flattered by. However they often come with complex emotional and learning difficulties so I have to be more flexible than the average teacher in my style,

One of the complainants childs father is a violent alcoholic, One child has slipped through the net (we now agree) and is almost mute, another has learning difficulties and is the laziest boy on the planet.
I was really grateful for their understanding but said whatever they were I still have to teach them and must learn to do so. The latter two boys will not pass this course as they have little ability to independently work, however I will still try my best but will go into it with a more accepting approach rather than driving " you can`t make a silk purse out of a sows ear"

There were a few simple strategies offered eg dont use the word "You" when talking to them but model by using the word "We" "this is the way we should do this" for example to take pressure off them.

I have been started on a development plan (which is normally for teachers who are graded inadequate in their appraisal I am graded `good`) and have been assigned a `mentor` to work with. I told them that I find this slightly embarrassing but it may well be of help and that is the approach I will take forward.

I asked how this affects my career and they said this is not a career threatening issue just something we need to work on... which was a relief (however I am the cat now only has about 6 lives left!).

On a related issue of disclosure:

Earlier on in the year I did briefly, off the record mention my Aspergers traits to the Head.... which has probably helped her empathise with my difficulties a bit, although she is quite an empathic person already I think.

Th slight problem with this is if push comes to shove and htis keeps occuring (which it might) it will be taken as hear-say as I have no `official` diagnosis. and I am unlikely to get one because of the vagaries of adult diagnosis in a very new and still changing area of therapy.

1. the diagnostic tools are not always up to the subtleties of real life especially for smart, late diagnosis adults with no childhood data. We have had great debates in other threads about this
2.My traits only leak out occasionally, because I am very practised at hiding them ... on the surface that is; (people notice that I am a bit different and intense but cant quite put their finger on it; they have to spend a bit of time with me to notice my more annoying traits)
3. I have a good job, a wife and a fairly balanced state of living so therefore (according to our doctors) I am not sever enough to warrant any help as I appear to be getting through life fairly `normally`.

So I intend to accept help in a positive way and try to improve my communication and motivational skills (this may even spill over into my day to day behavioural skills.. I hope so).
Move on up! as Curtis said.
Feel proud of what I have/am achieving.
Love my life and look forward to paying off the mortgage to let ME choose when to leave or stay not let circumstances dictate!

There are some very wise people here at WP.
Thanks again
PJ

Thanks for the progress report, it's good to hear that nothing career-threatening seems to be happening, and that things seem to be getting viewed in a positive light.

It's a pity that getting a diagnosis doesn't look like a good idea. I guess you've fallen into the trap of coping too well with your traits, which I think they do tend to use as an excuse to deny help. I would be tempted to suggest you learned to stop compensating for a while, at least in the sight of observers who could influence the outcome of a diagnosis (I did that to some extent when I sought a DX), but a lot depends on how much of a strain you judge yourself to be under - if you feel you can cope without adjustments, that might be the best option. In my case things were getting pretty desperate with my job.