Coping with Family

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Hello,

I've had some big life changes recently and am a little lost, so I'm wondering if people here have any advice or insight based on their experiences.

Many here seem to have difficulty with family. Do any of you have family who insist on you conforming to their way of things, yet want to make sure you are in their life despite the fact that they don't want to really accept you as you? In other words, they don't accept many of your quirks, behaviors, or differences, yet they will not give you distance and allow you to be yourself and instead insist that you be active in the family as the kind of person they think you should be (or are--no matter how much you insist differently).

To give an example, if at a family gathering I'm not allowed any time alone to decompress and relax, but am expected to constantly mingle and watch TV programs I have no interest in while eating junk food I don't like (or have alcohol when I don't want it). I've always made the effort to be socially polite and spend at least a little time with everyone, but if I eventually wander to a quiet room to watch a movie, this is very frowned upon (even though I'm not actually excluding anyone from watching with me).

This is what happens when dealing with my mom and step-family. I haven't talked to her in months because she uses family gatherings to talk about how I'm not manly enough or to belittle me in other ways, so the family gatherings are not currently a pressing issue. The new issue is that my grandmother is ill and expected to die in about 5 days or so. She is very narcissistic and I've never liked her, though I've always had to please her to be a "good" member of the family. Since she had to have control over many aspects of the family, I'm concerned that another member will sort of take over her role. No one else in my family is quite as bad, but I have a lot of anxiety over them potentially trying to pressure me back into the family, thinking they're making me happy when they refuse to really deal with the issues I have with certain family members. I had cut off my grandmother because she insisted for months that I speak with my mom again, and when I told her about the issues between us my grandmother just pretended that I said nothing. Later, I did talk to my mom for a time (before cutting her off again recently), but my grandmother never acknowledged it. I feel that my grandmother was more into the idea of having power over me and my choices, rather than helping, which I told her before cutting her off too.

My family thinks I said mean things in response to my grandmother's actions only out of anger. Yes, I was angry, but my words and thoughts were genuine, and I did try a calmer, polite approach to all this first. I frequently find that people brush off the calm approach, and when you feel frustrated and angry then they think that your emotions invalidate what you say, or you're being unreasonable. They won't take you seriously. Do others go through this? It's maddening. I feel, at times, that they're trying to make me believe I'm insane by not acknowledging my opinions, even if they disagree with them. So I worry someone will try to bridge the gap between my mom and myself without really caring about what I feel, and that this cycle of family pushing in on me to eradicate my true self will never end. It always feels like you have a true self they are trying to dismantle and rebuild their way.

Sorry for such a long post. I hope it's not too confusing. I tried to be as brief as possible without being too vague.

I am struggling with similar family issues myself.

And I am realizing that, in my case, in my recovery, I have to work towards forming an emotional and spiritual divorce from my bloodline.

I am finding my family outside of my bloodline, and that is possible for anybody.

I am not my family. You are not your family. We need to respect ourselves as the individuals that we are. Which is admittedly easier said than done.

Thank you! I really appreciate the advice.

Sounds like you've been given a bit of a bum hand with certain family members.
We've no doubt all got a host of difficulties to try and navigate within our families.
I'd try to stop focusing on their behaviour and think about myself. Ascertain who you want to be and be that person. If you've encountered issues before, think of ways to tackle them e.g. The tv scenario you mentioned: respond to any requests for otherwise (unless they're asking for help or the like) with "You're OK thanks" if they persist "No, you're OK thanks" if they still persist "Honestly I'm fine thanks, you go do what you enjoy I'm happy watching TV and mingling now and again. If anyone wants to join me that would be great". Surely then they'd get the message? I think it's about finding words that are you to convey your stance that no-one can take offence at. If they still push I'd be having a full blown discussion about it. If you take the time to plan your points and responses it should help. Better putting the time in before than over thinking the emotional fallout once it's all said and done.
My Mum can't cope with my need to write things down. She says "not another bloody letter" each time and I say "well it helps me so you're gonna have to deal with it". I then smile at her as she's great and she smiles back as she thinks I am too. There's a look in both our eyes saying "You ol' kook" and I'm cool with that, heck there's times we're both pulling that face and it's about her

HighLlama, thank you for posting a much better description of my family than I could ever write!

I just do the best I can to live a separate life. I call my family on the phone once each week for about 30 minutes, mainly as a compromise. Otherwise I only talk or see them 3-4 times per year for the various holidays, and I limit those visits to 2-3 hours each.