Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

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Do you believe this advice, and why?

Maybe it depends on how your interpret it? How do you interpret it/what does it mean to you?

It might be so that people are not looking for what they need but what they want.

Sometimes it works best for a good-looking guy to simply find the right job, and then let girls chase him at work.

There are plenty of situations in which, if you stop looking, you're guaranteed never to find it.

Agreed. I've just heard this advice and wanted to discuss it.

To add this is my personal experiences:

Me, personally, I've always been obsessed with the opposite sex and the idea of love and dating, but only want to stop.

I want to almost give up completely and only focus on other areas of my life.

My main problem as an aspie is just loneliness and anxiety. I have decent social skills and it's not hard for me to meet people or make friends.

 Right now I'm working on just meeting people at school to make friends or possibly girlfriend. 



But..yeah. That's my situation.

I'd say I'm half happy without a relationship. 

I want friends and a girlfriend because I have so much free time and feel so lonely, depressed and miserable at times. I want to be with and around other people, to spend time with other people. And it doesn't have to be a relationship. Just any form of human love and attention is alright, whether that be family, friends, or a relationship.



It's not that I'm unhappy being single, it's that I'm unhappy that I don't have any human attention.

The thing is I'm fine with seeking all 3, rather than just family and friends.



Maybe it just depends on your own situation, but I can't see how I can relate it to mine.



I'm not actually pursuing any girls. I'm not seeking a relationship, I don't have a crush on any girls.

It's just, I really really badly want a relationship (or like I said other human attention), I just hide it around other people.



I talk to lots of people.

A friend said they think I now approach dating 'passive-aggressively', and I agree with them; I don't just talk to females because they are also human beings who you can have a normal friendly conversation with, I mostly do it so that it could result in friendship or relationship.



But this just isn't right. I can't talk to other people just to be nice, I have hidden motives. Always in the back of my mind that I am only talking to this person for friendship/love.



It's like I'm still pursuing love and relationship, just making it look like I'm not.

Am I even technically "looking" for love?

What defines
"looking for love"? Does it mean going on dates with many different people? Does it mean having a crush or attraction to someone and pursuing them?

When have you "stopped" looking?

I haven't shown any signs to anyone that I want a relationship, except I ask (maybe even pester) female friends if they know any nice girls to introduce me to and whine to my male friends about being single or having no one to hang out with (who also hate being single).

Let's not be superstitious. There's no reason to believe that you'll find love if you avoid looking for it.
For NTs, looking for love increases the chances of finding it. On the other hand, Aspies have 0% chances of finding love, regardless if we search for it or not.
https://www.google.ro/search?q=google+p ... el6lXJM%3A

I know, I know. And agreed.

It's just I've tried everything, and have over the years become more and more likely to believe it.

But believe me, I do agree.

It's just, maybe i am just a misguided teenage boy. Maybe I am seeing things wrong. Maybe I should stop looking.

That's why I ask you and everyone else here for help, for guidance. Not just for me but for anyone really.

But anyway, thank you to everyone who HAS replied so far. It's nice to see some agreement for a change.

Basically, lots of people say this to you as advice: "Don't find love, love will come to you."

What are your thoughts on this phrase?

To everyone here who is or have been in happy relationships, how did they start?

Should we really stop looking, and why?

People who say this are deluded and believe in fairy tales. They don't know how real life works.

Well....I've found it when I was not really "looking." Real Life!

I think Outrider's question has a lot to do with the man seeking the women "not looking desperate." He is aware that he must look--but it's best not to seem to be looking in a blatant manner.

Women hate men who seem desperate. If you look desperate, you've lost the game in the first inning.

I would just go about my business, hang out with my friends. If something happens..cool. If not, it just wasn't meant to be.

What's wrong with "believing" in fairy tales, anyway?

Obviously, there's no Santa Claus--but, symbolically, there is one. It's no lie in the sense that father and mothers go through hoops sometimes in getting their kids the presents they want.

Well I gave up on life completely stoped looking for a reason to live and more or less started playing Russian roulette with heroin....

Well the last time I pulled the trigger the hammer hit a round. I ended up nearly dead on life support but something wouldn't let me check out so soon.

When I got out of the hospital my long time exgirlfriend reached out to me when she heard what happened. Now we're picking up the pieces and starting where we left off. Now ironically I have found something to hold on to and live for.

Great story!

I'm glad you're still alive.

And there's a person with you to "pick up the pieces."

If your business doesn't involve meeting new single women, and you have no friends to hang out with, you can tell in advance it's not meant to be, unless you deliberately make some meaningful change in your lifestyle. This would count as "looking for it". I'm not sure whether it would also count as "desperate"---if so, there's no solution left.

You're a teenage boy, yes, but I don't think you're misguided. Of all the periods of life, adolescence is perhaps the most mysterious, and sometimes alarming, because your and your peers' emotions are in a state of constant flux. It sounds like you're not sure exactly what you're looking for in a relationship, whether romantic or simply friendly, and it's difficult to find something if you don't know what it is. And I'd imagine that the people around you, for all their apparent self-assurance, aren't sure either. So you're all in a sort of maze.

You seem to be around people quite a lot, so there's no lack of opportunity for social interaction. From the way you describe it, you're 'looking without looking', which is a wise approach. Dare I say be patient? You'll probably tell me that you're fed up with being patient ...

Yes and no... You never know when someone may step into your life and forever change it. However if you don't let anyone in your mind of working against the forces of the universe, and will probabaly die alone. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable....

You could also be alone and on the Internet for purposes other than meeting someone. Maybe you're on a forum talking about something....and someone takes an interest in meeting you.

You weren't actively seeking. Yet you've met someone!

It happens all the time.

I think I'm going to end up like that only nobody will be there for me and I'll have to finish myself off most probably. Even among the people on this forum I am too weird for anybody to care about me. I get insult every day but nobody tries saying anything nice? Ok. Thanks for the lip service, instead of making me join a club to make friends why don't you be my friend? Same reason as the others: no time to give a s**t about broken people like me.

Last edited by specialsauce on 05 Jul 2015, 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.