Tired of being alive

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Going through a divorce and my soon to be ex is being a jerk. He has been verbally abusive for a long time and something happened in the summer of 2012 that caused a lot of stress between us. He filed for divorce in September of last year and I moved out last November. I'm not completely without fault, I know that, but I probably would never have given up. I'm really stubborn that way (and I was scared to death of being single again). I have 3 kids, one of whom is grown, but the other two go back and forth between his place and mine. They are better off since we separated because we're not fighting every single day and he's not waking me up in the middle of the night to yell at me. He wants me to pay him alimony because I have made more money than he has for most of the marriage, *but* he's "ready to move on" and date. I do NOT want to give him money to spend on some other woman. He is capable of working. He just doesn't want to work and go to school.

He treats me like I am the scum of the earth because I don't want to pay him alimony. No, I was not perfect, but neither was he. He thinks he can do no wrong and everything is 100% my fault. This evening I texted him about something legal, and he tried to talk me into settling and giving him alimony, and I told him no way, not unless I am forced to. He has sent me multi-paragraph emails telling me how awful I am and I *should* pay him alimony because of that. I was supposedly "cold" and "denied him intimacy" for our whole marriage. I admit I don't communicate well, but I wasn't cold. I can't stand being treated this way.

He has made a bunch of friends locally and I haven't made any. I suck at making friends. I have some old friends but they're scattered all over the US. He goes out to parties and bars with them and posts pictures of this woman hanging all over him (he insists they're just friends but it hurts me to see anyway) on facebook. He knows I can't stand her. The only people I have to talk to are either online or a therapist/therapy group. I see a therapist. I take 2 antidepressants and ambien to sleep. I have migraines and they have been getting worse with the stress. He's been so mean that to be honest, I really don't want him back at this point, but I really hate not having anyone. I hate being lonely and that's all I've been since November. I've tried meetup groups but they never seem to be able to meet when I can go, or they're too far away. I joined a church, and that's nice but I haven't really made friends there either. I know a lot of people superficially but I am not good at making small talk and asking the "right questions" and "saying the right things".

Every time I hear that he's looking for someone else/dating, I get depressed and suicidal. That's what happened tonight. If I didn't have kids, I wouldn't make it. I am trying very hard to hang in there for my kids, but I really don't want to be here any more. I tried the crisis chat and they're "offline"...crap. I hate calling people on the phone when I don't know them well (aspie thing) so I tried the chat line. I have a good job, 3 great kids, 3 beautiful cats, make a decent living, but it all seems so empty. I went on a medical mission at the end of April...it's not like there's nothing for me to do. I keep telling myself that but it doesn't help. Nothing really helps. I am going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and my therapist on Wednesday--maybe they can help. I hope so. It really hurts when someone wants you to support him but doesn't want you for anything else.

Sorry for writing a book here...

~Kate

Wow, it sounds like you have a full plate... I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time, but glad to know you're reaching out, here and to your therapist. Divorce can be a difficult transition.

Take extra good care of yourself and keep writing here if it helps.

IceKitty;

Have you talked to a lawyer? You know you can't control any part of his actions, focus on keeping yourself healthy. I went through a divorce, and at one point had suicidal thoughts, but couldn't do that to my kids.

You mentioned joining a church and having gone on a Medical mission, so faith is a part of your life. My prayers are with you. You posted on another thread that your personality type was rare and that is a good thing. God has made each of us a Unique Masterpiece.

If I read your post right, you will have gone to your psychiatrist by the time you see this, please let us know how you are, even if you need to yell, scream, vent. I've seen how much this community of Wrong Planet will stay with you every step of the way.

I'm sorry you're sad.

And I think people often "shout" their ideas to try to be convincing. Can you step away from the idea because he says it and maybe even believes it, either one of you is crazy or he is wrong and just doesn't see it yet? Because I think all the demanding alimony could be an intimidation tactic to try to get it. He's probably convinced himself he deserves it by now, but you'd need to work with a lawyer to find out what is actually reasonable.

Are you still very sad?

I hope you're feeling better today

Thanks everyone for your support. I am still feeling like crap. I saw my psychiatrist and I'm going to start Abilify in addition to the Wellbutrin and Lexapro I'm already taking. I have taken Risperdal before and it has helped with my sensory overload, so I am hoping Abilify does the same thing. Everything is worse, including all the social phobia, sensory issues, obsessions, because there is so much stress. He even says I am lying about the Asperger's diagnosis and tells me I must be on drugs. He has a big sense of entitlement, and always did. I still think about suicide multiple times a day, and that always happens after I see him crowing about how ready he is to move on (when I'm still crying almost every day). My therapist tells me not to even look at his messages unless they're about the kids, but how do you open a message and not look at it? If it doesn't say in the subject line it's about the kids, how am I supposed to know? Confusing.

IK;

I guess you do have to open them and then scan for the kids stuff, but immediately delete from your head his ranting. How often does he really write stuff about the kids?

So today was the psychiatrist and tomorrow is the therapist or I'm getting confused? You've probably heard the saying before, but I am in a christian 12 step program- Live one day at a time. Its actually part of the Serenity Prayer but most people only know the first sentence.

I'm glad you took a few moments to update us here, see you tomorrow then.

I suggested at one point that we make an account on this site I found for co-parenting where the only thing that gets discussed is the kids and everything is recorded. When I suggested that, he retaliated by blocking me on Facebook. He knew it would hurt me. I don't know why he was so offended by that but I was depressed for weeks afterwards. However, that's when I decided I was going to fight this alimony thing. If he can't treat me like a human being, I sure as hell am not going to continue to support him financially.

I saw my therapist today and psychiatrist yesterday. I will start the Abilify tonight. I hope it works because I need relief. Thanks a lot for your support.

Kate

hugs

He is painting you as bad and him as the injured party. You might need proof of his nastiness as sometimes people like that can be extremely convincing. I'd probably save everything he wrote by dumping it into a separate file that you don't have to look at as well as writing down what he does like any harassment in front of the kids etc. in case you need the information. Sometimes writing that stuff down helps with focusing less on it, too, because you don't have to think about it to remember it. Just keep it in a safe place!

He may not consciously intend to make you crazy but then again he may feel he's entitled to have you, and to your positive regard.

Have you been to a lawyer?

Yes. I actually have a very good lawyer who has 30+ years of experience. He is appalled at the way my soon to be ex is unabashedly seeking money, and tells me that in my state and especially my county, judges don't like men who refuse to work if they are able to. He won't even work in the summer when he doesn't have classes. IMO, that's just being a dick. He's using his ADHD as an excuse as to why he can't work and go to school. I call bullsh*t. I have ADHD and Asperger's, as well as multiple episodes of major depression over my lifetime (I've had those since I was about 12 years old), and I worked when I was in college. Not full time, but up to 30 hours a week, and 40 hours a week in summers and vacation times. His earning potential is much more than mine was at the time, as I had no work experience other than fast food and he has worked in quite a few IT jobs in the past. He's done consulting work in the past, because that can fit around other schedules, and he's not even doing that now.

I have quite a few nasty texts and emails if I need them. He doesn't hold back in telling me what an awful person I am. He's also said things in front of my kids, but unfortunately I wasn't thinking to record him. (that's frustrating).

I'm glad you have a lawyer! I know it's unfair about him not working. It seems like his using the ADHD as an excuse makes it hard for him to crucify you as crazy and unbelievable to others, at least.

Do you ever wonder if he is trying to make you crazy? I have trouble seeing that people sometimes plan to hurt and manipulate. But sometimes, people just feel entitled to do as they want, get what they please.....

you are being used, abused and victimised by an a***hole, a sexual predator and a leach!
and a scumbag!

I say
go for his throat!

IceKitty my Mum is 74 years old and she receives phone calls and messages from a guy
she had a relationship with 40 YEARS AGO!

You can't Not take this deadly seriously!
I suggest hiring a private detective to direct all of his evidence to the police.


These guys all think they're above the law
They all think men are strong and women are weak

Very good to hear this.

I think you need to cut all involvement with this terrible man. If you care that he his dating other people, you are thinking too much about him. What you do from now on should be unaffected by him and his activities should not be something that you think about--because having thoughts of him in your head is going to be toxic. When you have been in a relationship like that, it's hard to know where you end and where the other person begins--but you really need to do that. Live well for yourself and to hell with him. Such people are like cancers--they need to be excised from your life.

It's hard to leave behind all the drama of the shared past, but there is nothing positive to be gained from going through that stuff, except what you already know: you should never let another person work you in that way again.

I wish you every happiness in your new life and I hope you can cut the ties with this parasite smoothly.

Every good thing in life that you ever known is still there, regardless of what was between you and this awful person. Embrace the good and the joys you have known. Let this nightmare go behind you. Your kids and your cats will thank you for embracing life.

i'm so sorry to hear about all of this. i only skimmed the replies, so as not to influence my own.

i think that if you can continue to focus on the fact that no matter what, you have kids. of course you want to pull it together for them. i speak from a place of not only sympathy, but empathy. i often have suicidal thoughts, i understand you. this isn't easy, and you have every right to feel the way that you do. focusing on your kids, your cats, and their happiness will help you to realize that romantic love is not the only love worth living for. not to say that this will be easy. but accept the challenge. this is life. this is it. and you can do this. take it day by day. and even though it's been said a million times, time really will help heal this wound. this person should be completely pushed out of your life and that is your choice to make. best of luck to you.

I agree that I need to stop caring about him and get the hell away from him as much as possible. I always feel better when I don't have contact with him. We have 3 kids so I will probably always have to communicate with him on a limited basis. But he is toxic and I need to limit my contact to the kids, once the divorce is final.

I wish I could just not care any more. It would make my life so much easier. I'm scared I won't find anyone else because I'm an aspie and I'm not 20 years old any more. But to be honest, being alone is much better than being with someone who does nothing but bash and belittle me. He's NT and makes friends and relationships a lot more easily than I do, even if he ends up treating people like crap. I know he'll try to rub it in my face if/when he finds someone else.