Do People Think You're Arguing With Them?

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Being an aspie, I tend to be really indecisive. Because of this, I will often go on Facebook and ask people for advice. My friends will reply with helpful suggestions, but more often than not I'll find some problem with it. See, when I ask for help I tend to list everything about the problem, including all the different pieces and/or people relating to the problem, and what I've heard from other people on the subject. I also have a tendency to analyze every single solution given to me, trying to find any flaws its logic might have, which is really irritating when my friends give me short, blunt answers. Like, how can I be sure you thought this through as thoroughly as I have? Such as, I recently told my friends I was worried that the rainy season in spring would make it hard to pay my bills since I work in lawn care and the company closes down for bad weather- should I consider finding a new job? I was told that I should try to get a second job in the afternoons so I'd still have a paycheck on rainy days. But, I said, I'm usually tired at the end of my shift and I don't think I would do very well going straight from one job to another, so would it be better to just get a new job altogether? As always, the discussion ended with, "Why are you asking for advice and then just shooting down everyone's suggestions?" Thing is, I'm not arguing with them, I'm just trying to look at the problem from every angle so that I don't end up taking someone's advice and then it end up falling flat. It really pisses people off, but for the life of me I can't figure out why! Just because I don't immediately take your advice doesn't mean I'm disagreeing with you, I'm just trying to work out the problem. Why are they so offended by that notion? Anyway, does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me?

This happens to me a lot. A lot of people try to offer me advice and I do exactly what you described. I think people just get frustrated when they can't think of anything else to offer. I would say that if people get offended, just explain what you did here. Maybe let them know that their suggestions are helping you get more perspective on the problem and that they are helpful. If they're still mad, it's their problem and not yours.

This happens to me all the time. I intend my response as an act of reciprocation--to encourage further thought. But NTs view it as an act of war.

(Also, fun fact: according to your profile, you joined on the 22nd of May, you're 22 years old, and you've made 22 posts.)

Actually I turned 23 in June! Haha, I guess NOW my number of posts is equal to my age.

I think it's because you ask so many more questions than most people do. It sounds to me like you think much more deeply about problems than most people do, so the large number of questions comes off as being argumentative.

I do think it's a good idea to thank them for their suggestions. It will help them know that you're just trying to solve the problem (and really, you and only you should decide how to!) Giving thanks is anathema to the "argumentative" tone.

Seems to happen too, too often!

I think most NTs don't really ask for advice when they ask for advice. They already know what their options are, advice usually just winds up telling them what they already know. Good advice is usually answering the question of "how do I do X?", rather than "what should I do?" For example, "how do I get started filing my taxes?" is the sort of question that people might ask a friend and they might happily answer. "I like that girl, should I ask her out?" is the sort of question that many young NT guys often ask their friends until their friends angrily tell them to ask the girl out already or quit bothering them about it.

In this case, you may have asked for advice in a way that seemed to be steering him to tell you what you wanted to hear (that you should find a new job). There are other options - get a second source of money - possibly a job in afternoons, possibly something that you can do as needed, lower your expenditures so missing work isn't a big deal, or find a different job. Those really are the main options. I imagine you already thought of them, so what were you really hoping to get out of the conversation?

Maybe you were a bit scared about the new job and just wanted someone to tell you that it's the right choice, to encourage you along the way? Are there ways you might have asked about this if this is what you were aiming for?

Maybe you just wanted help generating all the possible solutions to make sure you didn't miss any. Perhaps you already thought of the ones I just mentioned. In this case, maybe there could be ways to ask that would make it clear, you just want a few ideas just in case you missed something. It's possible that you have trouble coming up with good solutions to problems and really need some guidance, just to make sure that you're not missing some important piece of information - because that does happen to you on occasion. It's also possible that you're very anxious about making decisions and this is more of a way for you to anxiously check that you're doing the right thing. That sort of thing can be very annoying for other people to deal with. It's also possible that you honestly do need help making decisions, but the way you're asking the questions is leading people to think that you're just anxiously checking.

Lastly, it's possible that this is not the right friend for this sort of conversation. Maybe there are other people who would have more patience to go over things in detail. Certain people just don't like long conversation over serious topics and are only willing to invest a certain amount of energy into them...

What do you think is going on?

Well your first problem is facebook. Not exactly the sort of forum for intelligent conversation/answers. But I digress lest I hijack your post with my anti social media ramblings...

But I get this CONSTANTLY. My wife always gets pissed off at me for this. I try explaining that when it seems like Im arguing, Im just articulating the response my mind uttered silently when you said what you did. This is always in the form of an objection or question. Im just trying to better understand your point and trying to engage you inthe next level of analysis on the matter. She isnt usually interested...

But I tried explaining this is how I learn, and as you said, double check if you thought of every scenario like I have. But Ive found with many people, just the act of being "too analytical" is frustrating. Its almost as though it's looked better upon if you just come up with a knee jerk solution and go with it. Then complain when it gets f'd up.

And I think it's because it takes effort for most people to analyze things. Effort they may not have in them either form lack of energy or lack of ability. For someone like yourself (and me as well) analysis is so completely natural and pervasive that it cannot be quelled.

Very frustrating. But finding people, or even one, who really knows you makes that easier because you dont have to explain as many things regarding your mental. Some people are only useful for meaningless banter regarding some common interest.

When a person is weighing two options, that person might be favoring one over the other. It's common to ask friends what they think because their responses will clarify the person's opinions, helping her/im do whatever it is (s)he wanted to do in the first place.

Ex) I'm thinking of lunch. Should I go to Taco Bell or McDonald's?
The person mostly wants to go to Taco Bell, but is open to the possibility of going to McDonald's. If other people give suggestions, it will become clear whether Taco Bell is indeed the best choice, or if there was a good enough reason to go to McDonald's to sway the person in that direction.

The polite thing to do is to at least appear to be considering suggestions given by the people helping you. In this situation, let's say someone is saying, "McDonald's is in the direction of the arcade and we could go there after" and you replied "I don't have any gas money". To them, you have just shut down that option. You may be trying to further the discussion so that they could say "I could drive instead" or "Let's take our bikes" but they probably wouldn't get that. It is not usual to answer a suggestion with a negative response, so you are hurting people's feelings. That's why they are getting angry.

Instead you should find some kind of positive, thanking type response when people answer you with suggestions.

(I study symbolic interactionism, which is the breakdown of conversations and body language and what they mean)

I guess I dont understand why I should be thankful if the response I received was not at all helpful or shows certain conditions were completely omitted from the individuals thought process when presenting said suggestion, rendering it useless and giving me the impression it's not a real suggestion, but rather a "trying to be polite but either don't know or dont care" answer.

Now in your example, something that simple and with an existing preconceived leaning shouldn't be difficult to play the social correct answer game. However when someone is trying to seek advice for a moderate to serious matter where they are genuinely confused as to what the best solution would be, as in the case with the original poster, that becomes much harder. It's difficult to just play along for the sake of it when you are asking someone for insight and getting half-hearted responses or quick to emotion ones when all Im doing is adding detail and/or background to the decision making process, consequences of said choices, or limitations.

I think I communicate fairly well, but this is one I may never understand... But even though I didnt post the question, your response was actually a little insightful (see I can do it...)

Your friends are giving you short blunt answers because they think you aren't valuing their opinions.
Why work really hard on something just to be told it isn't any good, please try again?

I'm still not very great at the art of spoken sarcasm so yeah sometimes people think I'm being condescending. My mother thinks I'm way more argumentative than I actually am.

I've gotten accused of arguing with my parents alot when I was just trying to explain things. I also made LOTs of post on forums when I was depressed asking for advice & gotten accused of trying to start drama when I was really trying to analyze everything.