Trouble Maintaining Connections

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When I make friends with someone there seems to be a pattern. We seem to connect pretty well for a while and then within a short amount of time they become distant and don't seem to want anything to do with me. It really confuses me because they would talk to or hang out with me regularly for a while and seem very attentive towards me. Then they just suddenly start drifting away and just seem to stop caring.

One of them was a girl who I was friends with for about a year. She was also on the spectrum and she would talk about how she was bullied and didn't have a lot of friends. We had a few conflicts, but we got along most of the time and we hung out regularly for a while. Things seemed to be going okay and then she started talking to me less and I thought that maybe she was just busy, but a few days after talking to her I texted her and found out that she deleted my number. I felt really confused because we weren't in a fight or anything around that time. She said it was because of something that happened months ago that she never seemed mad at before. Then there was this other time when I was in a LDR with a this guy about 7 months ago. When I first met him he would he would often talk to me about how his friends would ignore him and avoid him. He seemed really upset about it and would talk about how wrong it was for people to do that. Then about 6 months later he said he just be friends. Then about a week later he decided that we should just go our separate ways and we never talked again. We went from texting each other about 50-100 times a day to never hearing from him again within 2 weeks. I was kind of shocked about it because of what he said earlier about being ignored by his friends. He would also say things like we would be friends forever and that he would always be there for me.

Those were just a couple of examples, but similar things seem to happen with most of the friends that I make. It makes me think that I must be doing something that makes others uncomfortable because it happens so frequently. There's some things that I know I do that make others uncomfortable, but I usually try to fix it or apologize about it if they say something or feel like I did something wrong. I try to learn from my mistakes so that I'm careful not to do the same things with other friends that I make, but even then the same pattern still seems to keep happening. It feels like I just keep going in circles and it frustrating.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? If you did, did you ever find out why it was happening?

All my connections with people seem to be quite superficial. I'm always on the edge of things rather than fully engaged. When circumstances change, like a change of job, moving house etc., I lose my connections with almost everyone. It feels as though I'm someone who people think is OK to know, but as an acquaintance rather than as a real friend.

Some months ago I needed to discuss something with a support worker at a mental health workshop I had been attending. I spent most of the time there in the computer room working on a project, and it had been helpful to me. She started the discussion by saying "I've never understood why you come here. You're totally self-contained, and don't need anything or anyone", and it was said in a critical and judgemental way. If she had made the comment as an observation of how I come across, it would have been one of the most useful things anyone has said to me, but it wasn't. So it appears that I may be putting on a very good act to keep people away, despite actually desperately needing the opposite, and in nearly 60 years I think that's the first time anyone has told me (even if it was said in the wrong way).

So maybe there's something about the way you come across that you're unaware of, that causes the problem. It's now got me questioning everything about myself, to try to find out if I'm sending out wrong signals that I'm not aware of, and no one has told me about.

Hi, I am new to the AS community and to Wrong Planet. I sometimes wondered the same thing about not being good at friendships over the long-term. However, I realized that most people in your life will be acquaintances or friends in the short-term. Most people will move on as time passes, and for myself I can see due to changing circumstances I seem to drift apart from most of my friends over time.

It is hard to maintain a friendship if you do not see each other regularly. Most people only have one or two close friends who they see regularly into the future. There are some friends who will still treat as a friend you no matter how much time has passed. The ones that take the time to reach out to you are the ones who care and you should value. Keeping in touch is important.

For people who say things like being friends forever and whatnot, if you look at what they do rather than what they say, sometimes people say things in the moment, but their feelings change over time. Making new friends while keeping memories of old ones isn't a bad thing.

That said talking to a counselor would be a good idea if you are really concerned.

I used to get left behind by so many people, but not these days though. Seems like I'm the one who will just disappear without a word about why.

Anyways when I used to get left behind it was simply because this, I wasn't reciprocating friendship in a way they could actually observe. Sure I'd hang out with them, but I'd never have much if anything to say. They'd probably take this as me not being interested in them. Other people can feel insecure to. Just picture how another individual actually perceives your behavior. Once I really learned how to engage people this problem seemed to go away and now I have the upper hand except when I meltdown and run for the hills without a word.

I was in an LDR too. I remember we were talking about our greatest fears, and I said mine was her disappearing, that she'd ignore me and I wouldn't hear from her again. About a year in the future, irony struck; I got really busy with college, and we went from texting 50+ times a day to maybe twice a day. By the time I got out of my funk, she'd practically moved on. But I was more into her than ever. The most heartbreaking thing was, we got back together for awhile and things were good. But then she had a rough time at school, and I heard from her less and less. It hurt. Eventually we broke up.

When I was busy and didn't text her much, I'd always say that I still wanted to be with her whenever it was brought up. The trouble started happening when she stopped believing me, thinking my intentions were to break off the relationship. When she was busy and didn't text me much, the trouble started happening when I insisted I needed to hear from her more often.

My point is, some of your connections slipping away may have had less to do with you, and more to do with them. My advice? Keep trying! That's the only way you'll end up finding connections that last. It may hurt sometimes, but in the end it's worth it. Keep believing that. I do!

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You can have 100 messages a day?

My advice: Don't exchange so many messages.

Imagine writing and reading 100 messages a day with the same person. You both have to process the information and generate some of your own that fits the information presented at least sometimes... 100 times a day.
One of you WILL burn out from it eventually, no matter how well you get along (no matter if ASD/NT/whatever).

And if it's not because of the difficulty with reading and writing, you will simply get sick of each other... eventually. That's just a normal reaction to being exposed to the same person too intensely for too long. It becomes too much.
Let's call it "selective social overload".

It's better to write less. Better every other day, like 4 times a week. Something like that, the numbers are really just thrown here randomly by the way, find some that work.

What I mean is treat it like an Advent calender, one door each day and eat a small piece of chocolate (tastes much better that way, rather than eat everything at once).
Because that way there will be no overload and the friendship keeps feeling "fresh".

If you really have to write more, it's probably better to get some extra friends because of what I have just explained.

Does this make sense to you?

If you don't mind answering, what are the things you do that make people uncomfortable that you know about?

Thanks, that is very helpful to think about.