Do you still doubt?

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There seems to be lots of evidence that I have some sort of ASD, but.... I still doubt. As a kid, I had severe meltdowns, social skills so bad that they put me in counseling for it, and I memorized bird field guides. As an adult, I still have meltdowns and even a couple of shutdowns before, still crazy about birds, I stim, my husband is constantly trying to get me to "put myself in other's shoes" using that terminology with little knowledge of AS, etc...

But I look people in the eyes... and little things like that. There was even an attempt to diagnose me but I still doubt. But if it is not AS what's wrong? Do you still doubt?

No, not any more.

It's weird because I used to doubt that I had aspergers quite a lot but the more progress I make in my life the less and less I doubt it.

Yes.
I always keep in mind that as a kid and teen I had some telltale signs...

But for some reason I always consider that I could have a combination of stuff that just mimicks Asperger's really well like anxiety, ADD and general inexperience and a tendency to not care about the latest conventional craze.
At the same time it's possible to have Asperger's AND other stuff on top... so, not sure.

I used to but not anymore. The more I looked within and stopped focusing on what I put out or on display, the easier it was for me to realize I had aspergers. I know there is something about my "internal wiring" that is fundamentally different then NT's, even though I cannot put it into words or put a finger on it, I know "it's" Autism....Does that make any sense?

We can´t monitor ourselves from outside - and we can´t know how it looks in other peoples heads. We still feel, that we think and act like other people, even though we know, that something is different. It´s very unclear, so we doubt, even years after dx.
I finally don´t doubt anymore because I´ve been using threads and meetings where I could compare myself to others. I´m also getting help from a psychologist at the moment.

Perhaps, OP, you could find some meetings and perhaps ask your doc for a referral.
Many autistic people can look others in the eyes, so that´s not a criteria.

For me there'll always be a shadow of doubt until they perfect an objective test (which might never happen), but the doubt is negligible for practical purposes. The fact that I don't have every single trait in spades all the time doesn't make me doubt that I'm on the spectrum.

As I needed a disability diagnosis to get the bosses off my back at work, I tend to suspect that I could have fudged my answers to diagnostic questions once I knew what AS was, to give myself an easier ride in a world where employees are normally expected to tolerate an awful lot. So once I was aware of the possibility of using a DX as a cop-out, I felt I could no longer trust my own judgement on whether or not I had AS. Luckily, I had been keeping a diary for years in which, long before I suspected myself to be autistic, I frequently reflected on my nature. Here are some of the things I wrote back then, while I was simply struggling to understand myself, with no chance of such cheating:

"an inherent angst in dealing with anything that somebody else has control over."

"Concern over procrastination."

"I always have had a problem of being physically comfortable"

"I can't remember the last time I concentrated so well on a conversation, in real life the other person is long gone by the time I've thought of a good reply"

"I seem very sensitive to changes in my routine"

"I seem to have this analytical skill, and I can never decide whether I'm using it appropriately or not."

"The idea of socialising doesn't attract me like it once did. I know I'm not very good at it, and after so many hurtful conflicts over the years, I feel as though it would just be more pain."

"I seem quite capable of doing quite complicated things, but somehow feel blind to the overview of how to do it"

"It's more the tallying job that seems cathartic somehow, I guess I long for any job that I can do pretty much perfectly"

"While I was explaining what I've been doing, he saw for himself the difficulty I have in shifting my brain from one project to another. Occasionally I won't know some crucial fact immediately, but will often work out the answer after thinking about that project for a few minutes."

"Sometimes I think I should do some memory tests, to see if there's some function not properly working in there. I often find it almost impossible to concentrate on what people are saying, or on what I'm reading, or a film. And my sense of direction is appalling, though I can find my way around my normal beaten track very well. And somehow my thinking methods are tunnelled, they seem to take me the long way round. I'd be interested in running some psychometric tests, if I could find any. I guess the Web might have something. Maybe dyslexia tests would be a good starting point."

"P. advised me not to tell D. that. Weird, it didn't occur to me not to mention it, I'd kind of assumed he'd find out. Maybe I'm honest by nature.....somehow I've got the kind of mind that can't easily take in info about a job I'm not actually doing, none of it seems real or accessible until I've made a start."

"Hypersensitive to noise."

"Sometimes I think nobody should be allowed to talk to me while I'm busy."

"I'm a private sort of person, and easily get thrown off my mark by too much input from others"

"It's as if I constantly have to fight this perfectionist attitude, which makes me fear taking on a task in case I fail to meet my own lofty expectations. Every time I take a thing on, I find myself trying to make it perfect, complete, fully comprehensive, idiot-proof, and future-proof. Then it gets daunting - I usually muddle through somehow, but it's a lonely, tedious way of life"

"Always seem too lost in the detail"

"As always, I seem to feel it's mandatory to perform perfectly, and when I see any risk that my results won't be perfect, I seem to shy away from even thinking about it. At such times, any noise seems to shatter my concentration"

"I'm not happy at work right now, I have an almost constant urge to stop working. Today I came home just after 11am - a load of people had wandered into the lab in which I work, and they had been talking loudly for some time. They seem to be demonstrating a machine. One of them was looking in my work area for something - I don't like my stuff being taken. Anyway, as I say, I left in disgust."

"Can't talk and work at the same time"

"it's that almost autistic streak I just don't seem to be able to break out of. I have great difficulty in feigning interest, in asking questions of people when there's no apparent need. It's a hard one to make any better, because it feels so obvious that feigning affection would be wrong; it gives my introversy a righteous quality, indeed it's hard to argue in favour of dishonesty"

"Don't like not knowing what C. has for me to do until I get to work."

No, it is what it is and the shoe has always fit. My life kind of speaks for itself. What else could be the reason for the way I am? Maybe I just have some baseball size brain tumor or something they've missed all these years, I dunno.

I think even if I have something different that just mimics the symptoms of autism, it's still essentially autism, because autism is diagnosed according to symptoms. It may be something else that medical science doesn't even know about or have a name for yet.

Oh yes, I do doubt my diagnosis, and it's not denial or angry hatred. I've really thought carefully over the last couple of years about myself and I've looked into Autism on so many different sites, and it always feels like I have something else, but borderline AS with it.

But then I think, I am a female with mild Asperger's, so I suppose I won't display many of the classic symptoms Aspies are typically ''meant'' to have. Usually I cannot detect another female Aspie without being told that they're an Aspie. An eccentric woman usually gets me thinking ''hmm, could she be on the spectrum?'' but then also other possibilities come into mind, like perhaps ADHD, anxiety disorder, Bipolar, depression, anything like that.

But these are what give me doubts about my AS diagnosis:-

-I don't have rigid routine, and I don't eat exactly the same food every day, I actually love a change in meals

-I have proven to myself and to others that I am very empathetic, inside and out. People often say that I'm very understanding and they feel they can share their feelings with me and trust me

-I don't have trouble with eye contact and I don't speak in an odd tone

-I naturally recognise subtle social cues like how people are feeling through body language, facial expressions, etc

-I am not literal, I can generally understand jokes and sarcasm

-I am good with telling white lies, and can instinctively separate what I'm thinking to what I'm saying, just to avoid hurting people's feelings, or to avoid an awkward situation

-I am really good with expressing my feelings and showing emotion, and also discussing things with someone

-I use social imagination, like imagining how the other person feels when they are telling me about something that happened to them, and picturing them in the moment even though I wasn't there

-I used to have obsessions but only mostly through my teen years (not as a young child), and in my early 20's

-With an interest I find it difficult to focus on the smaller details, and I find it difficult to memorize too

-I can communicate my thoughts of feelings through body language, like people can notice if I am agitated or happy or whatever, just by my facial expressions and body language and tone of voice, etc

-I have self-awareness and I desire to fit in, and am sensitive to ridicule

-I can understand NTs

-I am very verbal when angry or agitated. Being in a darkened room alone does not calm me down. Talking to somebody, or crying to somebody, always helps

-I like being touched, whatever mood I'm in. I especially liked being cuddled when deeply sad

-I cry at funerals and at other people's losses (it's like I cry for them, or can feel their sadness)

-My social status is very important to me. So if I am working somewhere where I don't feel I fit in, it has an affect on my work performance and causes major depression and dysfunction. If people talk to me and like to eat their lunch with me and I feel I can talk to them comfortably, I feel much happier and more motivated to work

-I like Facebook, and I'm interested in other people and gossip. I LOVE gossip

-I don't have sensory issues with touch, taste, smells or light


All of those outweigh the AS symptoms I DO have, which are:-

-My intelligence is average, but maybe underaverage with some things, like math-related things, or science and technology stuff. I am good with spelling and some creativity

-I can be shy around people, but still know how to act appropriately, like smiling, making eye contact, and giving short appropriate answers when spoken to directly

-I get anxious in crowds, and sometimes a bit angry too, like I display annoyance in my body language (nothing threatening to others, but I still wish I could control anxiety and anger a bit more, but find it difficult)

-Prone to depression, usually from comparing myself to others

-I have got carried away with obsessions before, when I was a teen. I nearly got myself into trouble because of my obsession at the time, and lost friends because of it

-I have sensory issues with certain sounds. I can get easily annoyed with natural sounds like coughing and sneezing. I can get upset when small children are shouting or crying. My nerves are sensitive to sudden noises like dogs barking or car horns, which causes me to jump very easily, which causes distress for me

-I had to go on antidepressants to stop angry outbursts. My outbursts used to involve crying, swearing, and hitting myself out of self-hatred (basically self-harming)

-I can't make or keep friends, despite the stuff you have read in the list of traits I do NOT have


So I seem to have less AS traits. But maybe you can still have AS with just the few that I have listed?

Yes I think the symptoms are more important than the label, because the symptoms can be fairly objectively determined and addressed, while the diagnostic pigeon-hole is often a matter of opinion which can lead to all kinds of mistakes.

I was formally diagnosed in April 2013. My first thought after being diagnosed was skepticism (generally I am a fairly skeptical person). I questioned every single step in the diagnosis process. My third WP post was, Just Diagnosed, yet somewhat Skeptical (Long) <click>.

So, I then proceeded to spend the next year (well, actually a bit more than a year) wondering if the diagnosis was correct. I even started therapy to, among other things, get a second opinion.

Fast forward to the present day and I finally realize that, ultimately, it doesn't matter. Other than it has allowed me to participate in some cool eye-tracking and EEG experiments.

I am looking forward to the day when such a test exists.

*ahem* Sonic the Hedgehog... what more evidence do you need.

Just kidding. (... not really ... Maybe ? http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21984201 )

If not ASD, then high INTJ/INFJ... maybe. I would never say there's something wrong.

Personally, i'm just in denial. When I compare myself to those who are high functioning. I'm not on their scale 100%, but I can relate a good majority of the time, so here I am on this forum, but where I fit on the spectrum is the interesting part. Still trying to map it out.

As long as the diagnosis is subjective there is a chance for error, even with a foolproof test the human reading or interpreting it may screw up. But any evidence of neurotypicality is counteracted by multiple pieces of evidence saying I am Aspie-Autistic. There are some traits I am much more milder then most here, and some traits that I present clearly in such as ToM that has fallen out of favor as Autistic traits, but the traits are there

I actually wrote one general guide and two in depth guides to the awful game Sonic 2006. I had a run where I wrote Sonic guides, but I refused to write guides for other games. i quit Sonic when I got depressed I could buy no more new games due to lack of money. I think I am also a strange one in that instead of music on my phone, I have recordings of I think it is 600 bird species that regularly occur in North America. All of the jobs I have had had something to do with birds in one way or another. But I was applying to jobs and I realize if I keep melting down I can't be successful at them. Seriously, I've melted down on the job before and it's not pretty.

And I had full awareness of the Sonic gene, lol

I think I'm finally past my doubting stage, just a little over a year after my diagnosis. One big step for me was attending a local meetup with other adults on the spectrum. I expect to still be doubted by others, but I feel confident now in my own understanding of where I lie on the spectrum and how it does and doesn't impact me.

I still frequently doubt. It's the plague of an overly analytical mind meeting a bunch of uninformed (as to ASD, anyway) outsiders failing to see anything but the superficial facade I have to put up every day.