Losing A Parent With Aspergers (May Be Aspie Myself)

Post Reply New Topic

I am new to participating on this forum.

About a year ago, my beloved father passed away from cancer. He quite obviously (in hindsight) had Asperger's: he was a very intellectual, loyal, and quiet man who focused on studying varying forms of mathematics and a foreign language of interest even in his final months. My mother has paranoid schizophrenia; he stayed with her his entire life. One of the hurdles we (I and her social workers) faced was figuring out how to move her out of the house and into a safe environment where she would be cared for. We were able to move her to a good place a month before my father passed away in his home, as was his preference.

I did not realize that my father had Asperger's until a few years before, after attending a professional training course on Autism.

Another flash of insight came after discovering the writings of Lynne Soraya. I am female, and strongly suspect I am at least on the borderline of having Asperger's myself, though I am not sure how much is natural wiring and how much might come from a childhood where I had to teach myself social skills, etc. My mother inspired me in a dark way. She was not a pleasant or a safe person to be around. My father was the stable one. I worked hard in school and after with the intent of being able to get away from my mother. Fantasy novels and classic Star Trek novels kept me sane and helped me learn about the human experience in ways I could actually relate to.

Learning about Asperger's and how it manifests in women has been a relief. It explains things such as being sensitive to noise (music that is "normal volume" to other people can sometimes cause me physical pain), being deeply introverted, my high ability to focus on projects that genuinely interest me, and the bone-deep exhaustion that can come from "everyday" interactions. I have learned to be gentler on myself now that I am in my 40s, to give myself the quiet and the space I need as much as possible. I have also learned to be careful with friends and family members, and to only accept the company of those who will give back as well as take, who will listen as well as talk. Too often, I found myself used as a perpetual "audience" earlier in life... always helpful but not helped, always hearing but not heard. It has felt good to draw healthy boundaries.

In any case, thank you for reading. Perhaps these experiences resonate with others here? Perhaps not. I thought I would share them in case they do.

Hi there and sorry to hear about your Dad

Ive lost both my parents and its my Mum who I now think was like me.

Too late to do anything now but going through my own Dx I wonder if that was why she was the way she was.

She wasn't a great grandparent - loved them but was totally hands off, on the rare occasion she saw them. She spectated - with 3 under 5 at one point I didn't need a spectator! I think this was ASD behaviour - helps me understand her better ... Though too late

Welcome!