Suggestions on Telling Son he Has Asperger's

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My son has Asperger's, he is 8 years old, in 3rd grade. He is having problems making friends and told me today that "that everyone thinks I am immature and annoying". I think he is awesome and have high praise for him regularly, but that doesn't take away or undo the reactions he gets from classmates. I haven't told him about his diagnosis yet, but I think it might be time. Last year the school psych suggested we don't tell him, she didn't think having a label would be helpful to him and thought it would make his self esteem worse. However a year has passed and he regularly talks about not fitting in, etc.

Any suggestions on whether it is a good idea or not, and also a good approach. I have read lots of online tips that seem helpful (focus on strengths and include ASD as a strength, present public figures that have it, don't overload him with info, etc). I thought I would ask this great community if they had any additional input (when did you find out, did your parent's tell you, how did you feel, what was bad/good about learning the info....)

Thank you!!

You don't say if he is getting any interventions, but that sort of suggests to me that he isn't.

If the only intervention is to tell him what his label is, that seems totally wrong!

Please say his involved in some kind of therapy?

He went to a Special Ed Preschool from age 3 - 5 which was GREAT! Now in Elementary School, he has an IEP with school, but honestly that doesn't mean much, by the end of the year last year he wasn't getting any time from anyone. This year I am happy to see that his school has just started a weekly social skills group that he participates in. Additionally, we have done 2 different Social Skills groups, Speech Therapy, and OT in the past with a private pediatric therapy center. He went to a "Special Needs" summer camp last summer that didn't really provide any therapy but was a positive environment that had great activities. He currently sees a counselor for someone to talk to, but it seems that they just play games. My son loves him but doesn't really want to open up to him. The counselor does do things to help build his self esteem through talking over his strengths and going over some of the things that bother him, but I have to initiate the topics, as my son doesn't really bring up things on his own (he is only 8, so I need to be patient I know).

I am honestly kind of lost a bit. His Pediatrician is a joke, the Neuropsychologist that diagnosed him didn't really suggest any specific therapies. I don't really know what to do. I don't really know where to turn. His school give him like 20 minutes a week last year on his IEP but they weren't doing anything specific for him. The Special Ed teacher would just go in his class and observe him.

His Pediatrician told me he wasn't autistic when I first suspected it and brought it up because "he was funny, engaging and smiled". Then when he got his diagnosis she told me to put him in Boy Scouts or something like that for group interaction. Not our families cup of tea. We have put him in lots of activities over the years, he is currently doing well in Karate and Drama.

It has been a frustrating journey because I am not even really sure what therapies are appropriate beyond what I have done. He functions well academically. The biggest challenge is just connecting socially with kids his age. He does pretty well with adults. Lately he has been be going into "fantasy" mode quite a bit more where he acts things out and talks to himself. Not sure this is a bad thing, but it sometimes is hard to get him to come into the present and it looks strange (I don't care, but will make that social gap in school wider).

Sorry for the long-windedness, would love input if anyone has it. I don't want to tell him his label just to tell him, but he knows he is different and seems sad and anxious about it. Maybe knowing would be helpful.

I'd lay off on telling him about his label for a while yet. It might be a good time to talk to him about diversity, though, and the concept of different kinds of strengths and weaknesses.

Meanwhile, why isn't Scouts your family's cup of tea? Good job, having him in Drama and Karate though. I think you may have to arrange play dates, even though he's a little old for that; try having him ask another kid over for a sleepover or offer to take him and a friend on an outing, to a movie, the water park, miniature golfing, etc.

Are there any siblings in the household?

Sounds like you are already doing a great job and are one hell of a good parent,i don't have any suggestions unfortunately.

My parents never told me mostly because it did not exist at the time and my pediatrician was a total jerk who had no idea how to relate to children, calling me in his report (a nearly mute child) a 'class clown' because I got upset getting an itchy allergy test. Even though I am not formally diagnosed I am 100% sure I meet the criteria.

However, if I were a child today I know they would still NOT tell me. I certainly do not agree with this because I spent most of my teenage years trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with me. I figured I must have some severe mental illness because I feel normal but cannot make any friends my own age. I was okay at 8 years old but it would have been nice to know why the other kids started distancing themselves from me for no apparent reason starting at age 11, especially since I got along great with younger children and adults. Maybe if I had known I had Aspergers I would not have grow up hating myself for being such a failure and that it WASN'T MY FAULT.

I think you should absolutely tell him. Just make sure you stress it's not a disability he's just different. I think all this worry about labels is misguided. We all have many labels that describe who we are and no one is defined by a just one of them.

By knowing the diagnosis it can give him better insight into his interactions with other kids. There is another thread on this site that I suggest you search for. It was about a woman concerned that her ex husband wanted to tell there son and she was worried.

Well he obviously *knows* something isn't quite right because he notices the other children don't react well to him. Also he has had the interventions you mention - the summer camp, etc, so he must wonder why?

I think many of us diagnosed as adults look back and think it would have been good to know much earlier and to have a reason and understanding for why we didn't quite 'fit in'. I don't think I am alone in saying I spent many years feeling 'weird', knowing I wasn't quite 'normal' but not being able to explain why.

I would tell him; obviously in an age appropriate way and highlighting his many strengths.

It also sounds like he should be getting a more support from the school.

I would absolutely tell him. I was miserable at school at his age because I didn't fit in and didn't know why. I was anxious all the time and thought there must be something very wrong with me. I wasn't diagnosed until age 21, but my mother suspected autism by the time I was eight, and never did anything about it. I really wish she'd had me diagnosed and told me about it when I was young; it would have saved me a lot of mental anguish. The way I would probably do it is the next time he brings up feeling different, say something to the effect of him being special or unique, then explain what Asperger's/autism is, starting with the positive traits (intelligence, focus, strong interests, etc.) then adding the challenges, and ending by re-emphasising the positives. If you know anyone else with AS, you can talk about that person too, and if you don't, just bring up some famous people who have, or are suspected to have had, autism, so he feels a little more like he belongs somewhere and isn't entirely isolated or alone. Good luck!

If you feel that your son won't understand what he has, then wait a few years until you feel that he is old enough and mature enough to understand himself.

When I was 8, I didn't know what an ASD was. In fact, I was so obsessed with fitting in, I was sent to the principal's office on many occasions. I was eventually diagnosed with AS when I was 13.

You can use books…

Some additional ideas in this old thread :
viewtopic.php?t=16114

I didn't figure out my own diagnosis until I was ~30. In many ways I think this was good because I never had a label to use an excuse why I couldn't do things, and thus tried many things I might not have. Sure, I failed at many things, too, and had some very frustrating times.. but a label alone would not have benefited me. Learning about AS has explained a lot of things for me in the last few years.

More importantly than book learning, I met an Herbalist and his Naturopathic Doctor father a few years ago which led me to figuring out how to actually successfully treat ASD symptoms via diet, natural medicine, supplements and probiotics etc. I shared my story here a couple years ago. If you're interested in reading it and learning what I've done that's gotten my brain to fire on as many cylinders as possible, which in turn has enabled me to live a second life in terms of work, social connections etc all being natural and intuitive vs. forced/learned/intellectually processed etc then I'd be more than happy to email it to you if you'd like to send me an email address.

Recent articles about ASD research have been pointing to the digestive/intestinal causes I've figured out. In due time I may be able to prove this via medical studies in collaboration with Neuropsychology students & Doctor friends etc, but for now all I have is my story which you're welcome to read. I'm about 10 miles North of the border less than a 3 hour drive away if you'd ever care to discuss any of this in person.

Knowing what I know about the cause & treatment of AS, if I had an AS kid I wouldn't waste time and resources with the same old that hasn't worked for decades worth of AS kids & would skip straight to what I've done for myself & see if it works for said kid. But that's me. You're welcome to PM me, read it, and decide for yourself. I've yet to update it but there are a few more details I've figured out over the last couple years that I plan to update when time allows.. but the bulk of what you need to know is in a text file Im more than willing to email if you'd care to read it - despite it's long and OCD AS nature lol.

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No for supporting trump. Because doing so is deplorable.

As a personal point of view i don't think its about a label as much as realizing that you are different and different in a good way! We also have to educate people in the area when reiterating the ""fact"", that, ""Someone HAS Aspergers"". In essence as far as a label goes, someone ""IS"" aspergers! A very big difference between the two! as implying someone has aspergers points to a difference in society's point of view and also to the point of view of someone being diagnosed on the spectrum... We have to educate people that there are different brain types... We in society struggle for the term ""Individuality"", but yet we are defined as to what is ""NORMAL"". This is very ambiguous and conflicting within the statements... Your son/daughter will definitely know they are different... The issues that arise being Aspergian, are not to do with Aspergers in itself, but the secondary issues that are associated with it that often causes future issues with those that are on the spectrum, ie, depression, bi-polar, OCD, ADHD, Social phobias etc.... I personally think its good to educate anybody at any level of age to the FACTS that surround said diagnosis... because If that child realizes they are different, they will often spend their time and energy wandering why they are so different, this is where the early onset of social phobia starts setting in!.. I think it is much healthier to be able to explain their differences in society so as they can come to the realization, that there differences are often a miss-understood benefit to society before the onset of secondary issues that can effect the individual long term! For myself, i am 39 and wish i had found out much younger, as i dont believe i would have certain issues today if i had only known why i was so different.. Instead focus on what makes the child happy, and allow them to flourish within what interests them, but being able to word things that are direct in their meaning so as the child again doesn't get confused with the thought of multiple interpretations... Yes we are different to NT's, but not indifferent! We need to educate people/our children/spouses etc that there isn't just men/women/different colors/cultures but also their are different brain types! Because implying someone HAS something immediately sets off alarm bells of something is wrong! When someone IS something, it implies a much more positive aspect.. But read extensively on the topic first.. because what you will also find out is that getting advise from those on the spectrum will differ greatly to those that are not, ie psychologists/psychiatrists. They tend to diagnose based on their own perceptions and comparisons and have, i think, a hard time understanding that people on the spectrum think often entirely differently... Also these are the only 2 fields on modern medicine where they don't directly study the field they are in! ie a physio will study the muscular system, a neurologist the brain and the nervous system, a chiropractor, the bones, but a psychologist, in effect by their own experiences with other clients, peoples body language and what ""WHO"" (World Health Organisation), has to say!

Since being made aware that i am on the spectrum, it has been light bulb after lightbulb going off! and because of this i feel more relaxed in understanding myself rather than spending all my mental energy in why i feel differently to most people and why i cant always fit in even though i desperately want to... maybe let him/her read some literature from those that are on the spectrum and see if he/she can relate, because once they feel they are not alone i think they will soon find it easier to accept that their brain/mind and persona can be a great benefit to society! In essence Apsians are one of the unseen progressives of this world! For if Aspergers didn't exist, i think we would still be in the stone age! As Einstein/Tesla/Bill Gates etc were all seen to ""Likely"" being on the spectrum... So without these types of mind sets, where do you think we would be today! We need NT's as much as they Need Us Aspergians, We are no better, no worse, just a little different!

I hope this helped even just a little

Again just my point of view

Thank you all so much for your time & support. I would love the opportunity to talk in more detail with some of you in the future. Aside from my son I don't know anyone who has Aspergers (that I know of, probably do but not aware). It would be great to hear first hand about the Aspergers experience and growing up with it.

On a side note - I heard that Sesame Street is adding an autistic character, that seems like a step in the right direction to me.

When my parents told me they thought I had autism they used Robin Williams, Bill Gates and Albert Einstein all as examples.

I don't have too much to contribute, but I am getting to that point myself... I have Aspergers, and I have 2 kids on the spectrum (one of which, my daughter, is almost 8 ). When I was growing up I was misdiagnosed with ADHD and an Auditory Processing disorder. I had some major self-esteem issues despite my parents' absolute BEST efforts and being in a school situation that was pretty good socially speaking, but I could tell I was different because I didn't learn things the way everyone else did and I just didn't "fit." Kids know these things! And it makes sense in a school setting because you group peers to instruct them in the same basic way in hopes for similar outcomes... Fast forward to my own children... Some things I have done like my parents did with me (a high compliment in my opinion), but there have been things that I have chosen to do differently... Probably one of the biggest differences (other than diet) is that I chose to homeschool my kids (at least for now anyways). We've seen some good things come out of it (I am not trying to sell anyone on the idea)....my daughter's self-esteem is MUCH higher than mine was....and honestly I feel like it is because she is taught in the way and order in which she learns and doesn't end up dealing with quite as much over-stimulation (it is one thing to try and keep up with the development of NT kids...it is quite a different thing to try and keep up with the development of NT kids in environments that are over-stimulating). So....I feel good about that.... But now I am not sure when/how to explain Autism/Aspergers....maybe I don't need to since 1) She's not asking or noticing a difference outside of people just being different and 2) She lives in an ASD home (at least 75%)....why would you explain to your kid that they are an American (or whatever else) outside of comparison of other cultures?!? You just are! On the other hand her 2 best friends have known since before she could talk (their parents explained it to them because they were confused why she didn't start talking). I talk about Autism in passing and sometimes in reference to the kids within their hearing, but it never seems to be something they pay attention to....maybe it's like being American (or whatever)....it's so apart of your concept of normal you just don't think about it... Sooooo.....I dunno.