need help for support for when he moves out and turns 18

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My son just turned 17 years old. He has a job as a bagger at a grocery storefor almost 2 years . He is still in high school and will have 2 more years. My concern is that we need him to learn to live on his own but we know that he will need help to make sure that he sees the doctors, doesn't hurt himself, pays his bills , manages his money, and not buy cd's and games. He needs to have help to remind him to do some small daily things. I need help and direction in what to do for him to have him get help. he does not get SS now. I am looking into it. He is very smart with an IQ of 145 but won't apply it at school, he is in reg. ed classes with sp. ed. support for the last block.

Pardon my bluntness, but why does he have to move out when he is 18?

depending on his ability, there are some programs out there for people who have graduated high school but need extra supports to be independent within the community. these programs focus on life skills primarily.

Good point "Girl". Z [age 10] has already informed us that he expects to stay with us forever, even after he gets married. Maybe S will move out , sounds like we will need the room.

Seriously though our parental responcibility does not end when our children reach legal age. hockeymom, you said your son has 2 more years of high school. Does he have plans for after that? We were told Z would be a school teacher's nightmare, but a college professor's dream. With your son's IQ you may be looking at the same situation. As with all kids when he is ready to accept independence he will. You may still have to "look in" on him from time to time to encourage him to make that adjustment. Even S [also 10] realizes she may have to "watch out for" Z after Cor and I die [we are not your typical parents].

Maybe some of the adult Aspies here can offer some suggestions.

Unless it is he himself who wants to move out, I am really perplexed by this too. Most kids where I am from don't leave at 18, this is particularly so for those with disabilities.

If you need him out, then you need to contact whatever government agency is in charge of disabilities. Maybe there is a transitional program he can be put into too that will help with making sure he follows up on all this stuff.

I would suggest that for the first while, he NOT be put in charge of all his money. See if disability can pay the rent and utilities directly, then give him an allowance for the rest.

If they can't, then you will need to help him manage. You will have to teach him to make sure the roof over his head, and utilities are paid first. Have them paid the day he gets his check. Also make sure that things like bus passes or other nessisaries are bought the same day. Whatever is left, needs to be divided into weekly grocery amounts. From that, whatever is left is spending money.

Honestly though, I think you are asking A LOT of him. He is not a normal kid by the sounds of it, AS children usually have a HORRIBLE time with basic skills, and I think it is unlikely you can help him if he is out of your house. A transitional program / social worker may help. You will have a hard time as "mom" getting him to be responsible, as it sounds like you are already struggling with that with him under your roof.

If he can't get help with a support worker / program, then it is most likely he is going to fall a few times and need to be picked back up. Are you able to pick up the pieces?

I wonder if hockeymom thinks at the age of 18, the magical ON switch will finally be found and the functioning will happen? I wonder if hockeymom read some of the other forums here and ran screaming out of the building.

My 19 year old son is still at home taking college classes and working in hubby's business. He's not grown up yet. It takes us a longer time. He may be ready when he's 25 or so. Boys mature later and aspie boys very much later. That's okay as he is a kind and interesting person. We're still working on the "outside" skills that we all need to learn in order to survive.

I hope all the hockeymoms out there read this and understand developmental "delay" really means DELAY.

Corsarzs, do you have fraternal twins, 1 AS and 1 NT?

My 2 children are 2 years apart: 1 is AS and 1 is PDD-NOS (NVLD).

My AS son also has a very high IQ, although I do not think he has found the right "channel" for it. I think he'll end up as a museum curator or an art historian, even though he started out as a math prodigy. He's in exploration mode at the moment and we're in no hurry.

The PDD-NOS daughter is an artist/musician and is leaning toward photography. My son is also a musician and they jam together: she plays guitar and sings and he plays bass and writes music. Our house is full of tube amps.

Growing up aspie is not so bad...

Biologically Z and S are cousins. For the full story see "Can I call you Dad?"- Z's story.

You are of course invited to tell yours there too. Several have and it gives great insight to what is going on in their lives.

Oh yes, I remember. I have trouble remembering names. I have AS too.

I'm not sure any kids today are ready to go it on their own after high school. Have you heard of the term boomerang kids. After college, they go back and live with their parents until they settle on a job and have saved up for place to live. I think we're going to see more and more of that in the future so you won't be alone.

Most kids of middle class families in the Toronto area stay home until mid twenties just to do this.

Those of lower classes tend to stay home too so that they can help mom and dad pay the bills.

The only kids that leave home early are those that really do not get along with their parents, or need to move to another city to persue employment oppertunities.

Generally, it seems that we are becoming a society that does not grow up until at least 21, sometimes as late as 30.

It is important to recognize that your son has a neurological disability, that only complicates issues...

True, it does complicate issues but still with the right training and support, independence is possible for many aspies given the right circumstances - many here are prime examples. Don't give up hope.

Hockeymom, if your son is diagnosed and is in special ed as a result yoiu can insist that the school not just graduate him because he has met the academic requirements.

Allow me to copy what I have written in a new thread as there are some paralells between your son and mine:

Begin copy.....

Recently we got fed up with the lack of a coherent transitional plan for my son who is a HS Junior. The school has been pushing him along academically, but has done nothing to help him/us get him ready for post HS life.

After a 5 month battle to get him the accomodations he deserved for trhe SATs in which I had to take over for the school and get things done, we decided to hire an attorney to look over his situation. They were stunned at the things the school should have been offering my son and were not. We are now trying to rectify that and a large part of that is going to be NOT graduating him when he meets the academic requirements in June of '08 and having them pay for a program for him, and also job coachin this summer and some more extensive nueropsychological screening. The lawyer thinks things will go well but my stomach is in knots.

End Copy......

In my state your son would be elligible for special ed through the school system until either graduation or age 21. That means you should not let them graduate him until they have gotten him ready to transition to life after High school, and that means the life skills you are worried about.

As for my son -

I want to find my son a job this summer, but he is not ready. I am hoping that he might be ready with a job coach. Now I just have to find him a job that will accept that.

As for moving out at 18, I agree with the others - don't be in a hurry to let him leave the nest. Right now I am trying to build a new house that will have an in-law overthe garage, with it's own kitchen and entrance and stuff, so my son can live in it as long as he wants / needs and has privacy and independance (well, at least measures of them!) but we can help him and keep an eye on him. I really hope it works out for me so I can do that- if it is possible for you to do that you may wish to consider it.

Applause for Chupa-Thingie! A parent who is doing the RIGHT thing for her son...

I left at 18 and went into the dorm. I didn't pay bills because the scholarships took care of that. My high school counselor and the lady who did my mom's taxes helped me fill out all the paperwork to go on to college. In the dorm, my second roommate was a mom wannabe so she told me to go eat, go to class, etc. My parents got me a car and I hardly drove it. I did fine in my dorm, it was small and everyone hung out together so I wasn't alone in the world I couldn't read to be perfectly frank. There I met my best friend who is still my best friend 28 yers later. They tried to teach me about dating and eventually found my husband for me. An old boyfriend was the one who found him (his frat brother) and even went with us to sit there on our first three dates so I wouldn't get up and leave. (If I told you I was strange, it would be a serious understatment.) I did have a couple of school jobs. I worked in the research section of the library and later in a Business Law Dept reading text books and writing tests for the professors. I learned quite a bit about contract law there.

I married at 21 and moved to Italy for two years. I even travelled there on my own without getting lost. I did tend to wander off but survived it all. At 24 my husband told me I had a brain and I had to use it. His way of saying he was tired of me playing Emily Dickinson and I needed to go to work. Plus, his co-workers were nasty to him because I didn't work, didn't do anything with the house and I had no intentions of publishing what I wrote. I hated how they treated him. So, I went to work in a bank and three months later my boss promoted me to a Technical Writer in Conversions and Mergers. That's what I've done ever since.

What kind of problems does he have that he can't function on his own? If it's just the everyday stuff, get him a roommate who wants to parent someone.

That sounds quite lucky, I certianly have never had a roommate like that, I doubt there are many males like that.